I am learning alot these days. Weeks, well months, on end of group therapy and programing will do that for you. BUT, one of the things I have learned in this last week is that I was a very different person when I was sick. I know, these revelations are amazing, right? : )But seriously, I was so far gone that I really had no idea what I wanted or how I was going to make it through another day...I was just existing, hoping that the next minute was better than the last. The thing that breaks my heart is that I pulled other people into it with me. People loved me enough to step into my broken world and convince me that there was a way out...and they were willing to help me find it. I look back in awe of those people because there was nothing about my life in those weeks and months that made me a good friend. I was self absorbed, depressed, and daily wanting to end life as i knew it. It was God's grace and love for me that He placed amazing people in my life to walk me out of that hell...and thankful doesn't even begin to describe my heart towards them.
So, where am I going with this? I guess what I am seeing or fearing these days is that I am essentially just starting to figure out who I am separated from the things I found my identity in for so long. I would never have said I found my identity in the eating disorder, but I think that's because I could never separate myself from it long enough to see they were two separate things. I guess in some ways I feel like I just woke up from a coma and years have passed and I realized who I have been living "as" isn't me. So what? Right? I mean that's great to some degree, isn't it? Of course! The problem is that it changes the dynamics for everyone. I don't want the same things I thought I needed before I left...things I did need before I left. Before I thought I had to have everyone all around me telling me what to do...because I really was incapable of making even the most basic decisions. Now I want to be making more decisions on my own. I want to spread my wings a bit and try out this whole flying thing...which everyone is all for. But I don't think people feel like they can trust me...which is fair. I wouldn't trust me either. I have found that I had everyone taking care of me before...and now I want friends who can be my friends. I guess I just feel like I am trying to come back to my life and fit into all the same molds and I get frustrated when everything feels so wrong. I still want all those relationships just as much...I still want to be doing all the healthy things I was doing before...but no matter what I try to do I don't fit into those exact molds. Its scary...for everyone involved. I'm not going anywhere or leaving or running away...but I have a feeling people will or have felt that awkward push and pull with me...and I have a feeling its not just with one or two people...i am guessing it is with everyone. I guess I am just learning that who I was isn't who I am...and I don't know if people will like/love/want me, the real me. But the crazy thing is that I can't go back. I can't will myself to go back to the molds I made for myself...I literally don't fit anymore. And, no pun intended, I think I literally out grew them.(OK seriously that's a little bit funny...I mean I gained like 20 pounds since I left...all needed, i know, but still. funny). But for real, I don't fit anymore. I believe the change is for the better. Ok I KNOW the change is for the better. But change is weird and it takes time to figure out new roles and how to interact with people in new ways...the poor people in my life have been through alot with me already and I know I am not always doing it with the most grace and sweetness possible. But I am trying harder than anyone may believe. All the painful things in my life have been dug up and all my coping mechanisms have been taken away...and I am so raw. So my guess is that I am not the most pleasant person to be around...which I bet makes some people wish I could just go back to the way I was before. I'm not going to lie, I have days I think I want to go back...but only because it would be easier.
These are all just thoughts...thoughts that stem from doing alot of therapy and looking at why I am so frustrated that I feel so frustrated when things here don't feel "right". Not in a "I need to move" sort of way. More in a "how do all these pieces fit together" sort of way...because my puzzle changed. Its like the pictures advanced forward a few scenes and now I have no idea how to make everything fit. It involves alot of the same things and same people...and yet it all fits together and feels very different. I thought I was going to get better and come home to a happy ending and it turns out getting better was just the realization that I am not the person I thought I was. And even more so that things are going to keep changing as I walk out this wonderful process people call life. I call it learning how to walk out the freedom that has always been there...I guess I am just now discovering it is mine. Jesus paid for it a long time ago...
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