Sometimes I wonder if the feeling I am experiencing has a word to describe it. It has to...yet there is nothing I know of to explain accurately the way I feel. Its the feeling when you are searching for a word and you know that you know the word...you just can't place it. So often I feel like my heart knows the word but has no capacity to expound on it. Its familiar. Its like a blanket that covers me when its 98 degrees outside. It makes it hard to breath, hard to concentrate, hard to experience life. I am awake and I am feeling and I want it to stop.
Acceptance. It sounds simple enough. I mean if something is true there really is no point in pretending its not. Something is or it is not. End of story. Or so I thought. I have actually found that I am the queen of denial...however I am often times even in denial about being in denial. My heart and my mind are so separated. I can know something as truth in my logistical structured thoughts...and yet deeply believe at the core of who I am that it is completely false in my heart. It doesn't seem possible...it really doesn't. I wish I could explain it to you but that in and of itself would make me uncomfortable because I would have to logically make a decision...which will pull at my emotions which convince my brain that whatever it has decided is a really bad suggestion to rely upon because my heart can't fathom life that way. So my heart tells my mind that what happened didn't happen and for a moment there is peace. For a moment I am content to know that all is well and nothing bad happened...it only happened in a world that seems disconnected and out of reach...a mere figment of my imagination. Its quite confusing. The worlds start to collide and you don't know truth from imagination...you can't tell your heart how to feel because you don't know what to believe. You can drive yourself crazy.
I have been challenged by those walking beside me to listen to the truth my body is communicating, even in moments when its unaware of what we are trying to "figure out." Especially when its unaware of the logistical battle going on in my head. Something happens and my body responds. Loud noise. Over bearing man. People screaming... it all sparks something within me that I am suddenly unable to silence. My eyes see past the present moment and stare into a picture of the past...unaware that the past is actually not the present. It feels quite similar to the war of my mind and heart. Two contradicting situations, reality and past, stand before me and I am challenged to pick which on is truth...and they both are equally real to me. I feel crazy. I feel like I am losing my mind and am dabbling in pain that should always be left where it currently stands...in the past. When you are 3 years old how do you know what is real and what is a dream...how do you know if you are 27? When you see two pictures before you how do you decide which on is right? Everything sounds and seems obvious until the tide has pulled you under and you don't know which way is up. They say when you are pulled under by the waves you shouldn't panic and frantically choose a direction. You should allow it to take you to the bottom so that you can get out of it and then swim back to the top. Ride it out and let the ground be your base of reality. It sounds easy enough, but when you are sucked under out of your control the natural response is to panic and fight...the problem is that fighting will rob you of the strength you need to swim back to the top.
So I know I have to stop fighting the never ending war between my heart and my mind. The best vantage point is never in the middle of the fight. There comes a point when evidence determines a verdict. The heart no longer has a say in what it wants to be truth...because truth remains, unwavering. To fight it is to place yourself in the midst of the undertow where you must wait it out, then hit the bottom, which is the truth you knew in the first place.
I guess I never expected the truth to arise such a brokenness within me. How could I have spoken the "truth" as a possibility for so long and feel so little...and then I see it as reality and it wrecks havoc on my heart. Nothing has changed...except my heart. I feel like I am standing in rags in front of a huge broken mirror...looking into a reflection with so many pieces missing. I see an eye here and an arm there and I see enough to know its me. Maybe not the me I am used to seeing...but when I look into that little girls eyes I see the memories only I could remember. I touch my hand to my face and she does the same. Believe me she pleads. Please don't make me stay here alone any longer.
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