the waves of emotions

This has been one of those weeks...the ones where you look back and wish you were actually clinically crazy just so you could have a good explanation for your behavior. If you are wanting a happy story I would stop reading and reference another one of my posts. Today all I have to offer is a vulnerable acknowledgment that the choices I have made have not been ideal...and the dwellings of my heart have not been pretty. There is an expression that I have related well to this week. Its something along the lines of "The lights are on but nobody is home." That's how I feel. I am here and alive and going through out my days...and yet I feel empty, hallow.
I have done alot of thinking this week...wondering to myself why I do the things I do. Why I have such a hard time hooking up to my feeding tube at night. Why I have such a hard time putting food in my mouth and eating. Why I have such an incessant obsession with losing weight and being thin...when it long ago stopped mattering to me how much i weigh. These are the weeks that are hard because I am reminded that this all is not about the size of my jeans or the number on the scale. This isn't about getting a boyfriend or even finding a husband. Its in those moments where there is a desperation to block out these feelings that are rising up and in shame and desperation you run to your vice, your drug of choice, and breath deep the power of making yourself numb. There is guilt that follows. You look back and tell yourself to suck it up and stop being a child. You tell yourself you know better...you know truth, you know there is accountability and relationships...but your flesh and your fear of facing that which seems so powerful that it just may destroy you, takes over. You give in and for a moment you can breath...and if your honest, really honest, for a moment it was worth it. The relief is worth it. But of course we say its about food. Of course we say its just an addiction to our drug of choice. We say its an attempt to be cool, be beautiful, be alive...because to admit our desperation to be free of the deep rooted devastation would be vulnerable... would open us up to the very thing which we are running from. Its so much easier to be obsessed with a number...to root it all back to the size of your jeans and the reflection in the mirror. Because wouldn't that in theory be easier to overcome in the future? Wouldn't it be easier to minimize and rationalize just not eating to be thin because you know its nothing more then just a bad habit. That works wonderfully until the day when you stop caring about the drug...but only care about the feeling it produces. I know the truth...or should I say I logically understand the truth...but this week my heart has decided it doesn't want to listen. My heart doesn't care what is true...it only cares that it doesn't want to feel. I know each day I am only one choice away from getting back on track... and that its a choice only I can make. So my prayer right now is for the Lord to change my heart and renew my strength...my prayer is that this week is that hope would be restored and love would be courageous enough to stop resisting the provision of the Lord, and instead I would embrace it.