something about dancing...

Contrary to popular belief I was never a dancer. I played competitive sports from the time I was old enough to follow rules and continued to do that through high school...I even played some hard core intermurals in college : ). So I tell you all this because Jesus these days enjoys speaking to me through pictures...or to be more specific...through dancing. I know, I know. Trust me, I know. But after thinking about it for quite some time I have decided that its actually pretty smart for God to communicate with me this way. Here is why...I don't know if any of you are like this but I tend to like to explain away things I think I have heard or seen because they don't fit in my normal category of what is acceptable to hear or see. I convince myself I had jut been thinking about this or that and God wasn't really speaking to me...it was just my thoughts or my feelings or whatever...which I am sure some of the time it is. BUT, I don't think in terms of dance ever really and so its pretty hard to explain that one away to me coming up with it on my own. So, i just had to preface this way because if you have read my other post about the backpack you might wonder what my deal is with dancing with Jesus and start to think I am a little on the crazy side...which again, could be accurate.

Anyway, so the other night I was at frontline ( the young adults group at my church) and they had some time where they felt like we all needed to just go and get still before the Lord. So often we are so busy filling all out alone time with the Lord with words and songs and requests that we don't give the Lord any room to just BE with us...speak to us...share His heart for us. So I would be lying if i told you I had had big expectations going into the night. I was a little on the sleepy and annoyed side and didn't think I could hear from the Lord even if i tried. But as soon as I got still before the Lord and closed my eyes the dance started. If Jesus wasn't being so stinking sweet I would have rolled my eyes and asked Him what the deal was with people dancing in night gowns. But, considering this was my time to be still, I simply watched. The first scene, if you will, was a little girl in a beautiful night gown going to bed in a beautiful 4 post bed...which was in the middle of the stage. As she closed her eyes and went to sleep. When her eyes closed this man appeared looking as if He was watching the room, protecting her from the scary things of he night. He danced all around her and yes, he even had those twirler flagish looking things...and He just danced with great joy all around her as she slept. He was protecting her, keeping her safe. Well in the next "scene" something had changed. The little girl was a few years older and there was fear written all over her. The child like joy had disappeared and a heavy anxiety had replaced it. She was constantly looking all around as she got into bed. She looked around to make sure no one could see where she hid it, but she pulls this horrible big knife/saw/sharp defensive object and held onto it for dear life. She sat up in her bed constantly looking all around...trying to protect herself from anything that might hurt her. There were times the only way she could fall asleep was by comforting herself knowing she had this knife to protect herself. But the problem was that she would fall asleep from pure exhaustion and inevitable she would awake to find that the knife had cut her as she slept. As time went on the damage done was worse and worse and it became clear that the knife was doing way more damage then even the false sense of protection it brought her. The whole time, when she slept, the man still came out to try and dance over her but all He could do was sit beside her...and he wept. He couldn't protect her from the harm she was doing to herself...which was the greatest of all true threats that she faced. She was clinging so tightly to the knife that night by night she was causing herself to bleed to death. Jesus was showing me that the man was clearly Him and that through all the years He hadn't left my side...He just couldn't protect me from what it was I was inflicting on myself. The eating disorder by nature has consequences to my physical body, to my emotional well being, and to my relationships...my relationship with Him included. He wanted to protect me. He wanted to dance over me...but He couldn't dance over me as I was self destructing...He wouldn't dare be that far away. He showed me that as I have been set on protecting myself, I have in some ways tied His hands Him protecting me...because I am the one doing damage to myself. And He has protected me in so many ways...giving me relationships and family and support...therapists and dietitians...He is good. I don't always feel it. I don't always see it...but I KNOW it.

I want to know this side of the Lord. I want to know the protector...the one who weeps as I am broken...the one who never ceases to stay by my side. So if the Lord communicates to me right now through dancing...I am so thankful. I am thankful for any way the Lord chooses to reveal Himself. Because the way to freedom is not to just strive towards alleviation from an eating disorder...the way to freedom is through seeking and finding the true heart of Jesus.