Not my will...

Life doesn't always go the way we plan for it to go. I set high ambitions and lofty goals about pulling myself out of the trapings of an eating disorder. I believed that a mixture of pure will and good intentions would be enough...I believed that addiction was little more then a word that weighed other people down...but that I was stronger. I have been at Magnolia Creek for 31 days now. I thought for sure after 30 days here I would be healed, or at least able to maintain the new found eating patterns I would have surely developed. But there is so much more rooted in this pain than putting food into my mouth. Its been a journey. A humbling experience that has reminded me that in and of myself I have nothing. Trying harder alone won't make lasting changes...because I don't have the power to change anything by mustering up the energy and desire and longing...unless all of that is in submission to the Lord and to a team of people around me who can walk with me into freedom. The staff here at Magnolia Creek have blown me away. Never before have I seen a "non Christian" program be so full of people who love the Lord...people who really understand what it means to love fully and embrace deeply. I don't believe a programin and of itself really changes a person. I believe that the Lord can use a program to transform your heart and prepare you for the journey ahead...one that I believe He alone can take you on.
As of right now I will be here for another 2 weeks....with a possibility of stepping down to their partial program after that...or discharging and doing the day treatment program in nashville through Renfrew. The flashbacks have still been pretty bad...happening 1-2 times a day. But they say they are getting better...and that I am coming out of them faster...all of which is good news. But I am commited to this process. I am committed to seeing the life on the other side of this disorder...I am desperate for freedom. There is so much more to this life than bondage. There is a whole spectrum of emotions that allow you to see the beauty, and yes the pain as well, that makes life worth living. A life void of emotion is a life spent missing all the things that make this journey worth living. I haven't been the perfect patient...by far. I haven't been the one to change the fastest or take the most risks...but I have been here. For 31 days. Fully commited to facing a past that has already taken too much time. So I so uncomfortably sit here, daily surrendering too living life. Daily surrendering to the Lord of all creation who has the ability to heal the brokenness and restore the years the locusts have taken. He alone is my hope. And so I wait on Him....knowing that at times the over night healing isn't the one that leads me closest to Him...and knowing that overnight healing isn't the path that most often helps others relate and see the hope that is Jesus. One day at a time I take each step not knowing what tomorrow will hold....but knowing the one who holds tomorrow. I believe there is freedom. He is my freedom...so I hold onto hope when it feels like there is nothing else to cling to.