the choice

Everything is a choice. Everything. There have been moments in the last week that have broken me...literally bringing me to my knees. I am afraid. I am discharing from Margolia Creek next tuesday...after 90+ days in their program I am transitioning to the renfrew day treatment program in Brentwood. I thought after 3 months in a program I would be feeling solid and secure in my recovery. I thought after all this time, all this work and sweat and tears I would have more to show for it than a broken and humbled heart. I have found myself staring in the mirror crying out to the Lord asking Him where I went so wrong...and to help me find my way out of this trap. Its exhausting. Fighting this hard for this long and seeing the progress be so slow, so gradual. I have heard many people tell me over this time that it didn't take me a month to get into my eating disorder and it won't take me a month to get out...but many of us tend to have higher expectations for ourselves...believing we should be super human...that we should be above the statistics. I scoff at the thought of average. Average, I ask myself? Who wants or lovesd or accepts someone that is average? I have to be amazing. I have to be brillant, stunning and strong...meeting the expectations other don't even know that they have of me. I feel abandoned and alone. I feel like I have failed and as punishment Magnolia Creek is sending me away...once again I feel like the problem no one really wants to deal with. So I have a choice. I can crumble to the ground...overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings...but honestly where will that get me? Or, I can stand beneath the weight of a heart that feels too heavy to bear. I can keep moving forward, even when im not sure if the effort is worth what is on the other side. I am exhausted. But if I don't choose to fight for me who will? So what I want to do is react to the circumstances before me. I want to say its not fair and its too hard and that I hate life...I want to say screw it all. I really do. I am so tired of the shit that life brings with it. Am I allowed to say shit in this? Hmmmmmmm. But I am. There are times i just don't see how its possible to keep going. But still I choose to. I don't have any other choice. I wish something would just come easily. I wish something would just fall into my hands...but what would i learn from that? I know that the testing of my faith bring with it lessons that help me grow closer in my walk with God....its just hard to be thankful for the pouring down rain in the midst of the storm.
Jesus, hold me. Walk with me....I need you more then I ever have before.