Traffic

There are days when my predictability even surprises me. I was driving to work a week or two ago and I hit 5 o’clock traffic in my normal Bethany fashion, I start trying to find a shortcut. The thing is that I have been in that same exact spot on Hillsboro Road so many times and every single time I do the same thing. I exit 440 onto Hillsboro and I get into the left lane, because the right lane is always backed with merging traffic. I then proceed to the first light where the traffic begins. I hate traffic. I hate sitting still when I know I could be moving. I hate thinking about being late and thinking about not being able to get to where I need to be in the right amount of time. I start to feel trapped, stuck. SO, every time, I think it’s a good idea to turn left. EVERY TIME. But here is the problem. I don’t know my way around those back roads on the left. If I were to turn right at the light, I would have no problem. I know my way around those roads easily. So why do I do it? Because in all reality, in the end it will take me more time to try to navigate my way through the back roads then it would to stay in the traffic. But I hate holding still. I know by exploring I am bound to make a wrong turn and end up lost. I know it. I also know I will in the end find my way back to Hillsboro not all that much further than I was when I start the whole adventure.

So as I was once again doing this on my way to work today I started to think about how this parallels so much in my life. You see every single time I take that left turn I really think that this will be the time that it IS shorter and I WILL figure out a new short cut. I really do. And yet, as evidenced by today, I end up back on Hillsboro 10 minutes later having progressed maybe a half a mile. It’s crazy.

The first thing I feel like this shows me is my inability to withstand feeling trapped and out of control. I am always amazed by the people who just sit still, NOT trying to find an alternate route. If I could communicate with them I would probably encourage them to follow me! ANYTHING has to be better than just chancing your luck and ridding out the path in front of you. But is that really true? Perhaps there are times in the world of driving and directions that we find a short cut. But in real life situations the outcome is actually quite similar to my experience today. I am distracted by my MOVEMENT and therefore I am mistaking movement for progression. I get uncomfortable by the discomfort in life. Let’s be serious, life hands out a lot of cards that are awful. Kid’s get cancer. Family members die. Jobs are lost. Natural disasters destroy years of memories in a moment. Bodies are abused. Life hurts and so often I think my answer is finding my own way out…instead of going through the painful event and getting to the other side. I am a “flight risk” as my friend Nikki would say. I get stressed out and take off. I don’t ask for directions or think through my decisions…I want out and I want out now. I can’t tell you how many additional years I have spent in this eating disorder all because I couldn’t withstand facing the pain of my past and my current situation. When faced with traffic most people turn on the radio, listen to their ipod, talk on their phone etc. Distress tolerance skills at their best…man I have been in way too much therapy. : ). I run. It doesn’t even occur to me that I don’t know my way through the side streets of my life. I actually don’t think through much at all in that moment. I see traffic, I know I want out, and I make my first possible turn. Now I am off the direct known path and I am all by myself…recipe for disaster.

The second thing that I found interesting today as I was lost on side streets was that it never occurs to me to get into the right lane and turn right. Isn’t that weird? I think so. I am sure Tiffany would love to psychoanalyze that…but I just find that so interesting. I don’t know what it is that stops me from waiting long enough to switch lanes and turn right. I know those roads only because I have driven them with other people so many times, and they have shown me the way. What is it about independence and self sufficiency that is so captivating, so alluring? I don’t know if it’s the stress of trying to change lanes when people are already trying to merge into that lane or if it’s the impulsivity of the moment…but it’s over and decided upon so quickly that I don’t even have time to think it through. How often do I turn away from the pathway that is being shown to me in order to do what feels like a quick fix?

It’s the “what if” questions that over take all rational thought and overwhelm me. “What if I get stuck in the pain and it lasts forever?” (What if I get stuck in the traffic and never make it to my destination?) “What if I look through things and find more pain and more loss?” (What if the traffic only gets worse ahead?) “What if everyone else see’s the real me and they run away and leave me totally alone.” (What if I am late to work and lose my job and have no way to provide for myself and no one wants me.) “What if…..” It’s crazy. I can rationally see and know that…and yet in the moment, I panic. SO, what do I do with all this wonderful insight? I don’t really know what to do…except to try something different. I face the “traffic” in front of me and consciously make myself do something different. It is the definition of insanity at its finest. I do the same thing over and over again expecting different results…and get frustrated when I am lost and then found only to find I am no further than when I started. It’s amazing how we play out big situations in our lives in smaller scales that reflect the core of what we struggle with. It’s not about the food. It’s not about the size of my jeans. It’s about feeling out of control and being blocked from what I feel is vital to “live.” Interesting…