When I was in treatment for my eating disorder last summer we were expected to complete an assignment before we could "graduate" from the program. The assignment was to write a letter to ourselves from the stand point of recovery, that we could read if we started to relapse, reminding ourselves that freedom is worth the fight and that the eating disorder will do nothing except destroy you. I was looking through my journal tonight, getting ready to write out the thoughts in my head...and I found this assignment tucked inside the middle. Even though I am not in a place of relapse right now I found it to be such an encouraging reminder of the trade off I make when I choose to go back to restricting. So, I thought I would type it out...have it saved in a place I won't lose it or forget it...a place where it could possibly bring hope to someone else spiraling out of control, giving in to the monster we call an eating disorder.
Dear Bethany,
Take a deep breath and relax for a minute. Even though the world is feeling out of control right now remember that the eating disorder will only make things feel worse in the long run. You have worked so hard for recovery. It took you weeks for your stomach to even adjust to having food inside of it. Before treatment, while you were so deep in your eating disorder, you were miserable. You daily wanted to end your life. You were constantly depressed and exhausted. I know you must feel helpless right now. You probably feel alone and like there is no one in the world you can trust. It's ok that you feel this way, but hear me say that it's not true. You have to turn things around and you don't have to do it alone. Think back to the days before treatment. Do you remember how hopeless you felt? You didn't have enough energy to have friendships or relationships. You were constantly annoyed with everyone around you. No one trusted you with anything important...not even their friendship. Do you remember the feeling of a feeding tube being shoved through your nose, down your throat and into your stomach? Do you remember the stares of the people everywhere you went. Do you remember how children were afraid of you and parents didn't trust leaving their children with you? Do you remember the constant whispering and the embarrassed grown ups apologising for their children asking blunt and "improper" questions. You were too tired and depressed to think about pouring out the love of Christ into the lives of others. You couldn't manage thinking about finishing your degree or mentoring younger girls...you didn't think you would live that long. Pain filled every single day and you really thought the eating disorder was making it bearable...it was the only thing keeping you safe. That was a lie. The eating disorder surrounded you with emptiness. It kept you alone. It made you drown daily in fear. You thought anorexia was your mask which made you desirable...made you lovable. But it never gave you love. It never gave you hope. It never gave you worth. It stole everything from you...your pride, your self worth, your confidence...it told you that you would die without it...and in all reality you were dying by staying inside of it. No number was low enough. Every number reminded you that you were fat, disgusting, and lazy. Ed promised that you would feel beautiful...but the thinner you got the more worthless you felt. If you start restricting it won't take long to fall back into it. All Ed needs is one grasp on your ankle, and you are pulled under before you can change your mind. You will stop going out with people and stop returning phone calls. When people hold you accountable you will get defensive and before long you will want to move away...find a place where everyone will just leave you alone. But that will kill you. Hear me say it will destroy your life. Nothing is worth going back. Nothing is worth the shame and pain and hatred the eating disorder brings. I know the eating disorder numbs you from the searing pain of the abuse, the pain of loss. I know you desperately want your past to fade away, for life to be lived as if it didn't happen. But it did happen. But you have already survived it. Face it so that one day you can be set free from it. You want to get married one day. You want to have kids...and you know you will be an amazing mom. You know you have dreams buried inside of you...and they are within your reach...much closer than you can see. There is joy. Life is worth living. You know you want to touch the world and you know that it's possible. You know the eating disorder is selfish and is simply a way to stop feeling the emotion that is deep inside of you.
You made so much progress in treatment. You worked so hard to get your life back. God has so much more for you than an eating disorder. You have so much to offer this world. Satan has been pulling the strings of your mind to lure you away from the safety of Gods grace...His acceptance...His love. Spit in his face. He only wants you alone and helpless...he only wants you dead. Run to the Lord...even if you don't feel like it. Tell Him your heart and ask Him to help you. Stop restricting. Stop exercising outside of your agreed contract. Think about all the people before treatment who looked you in the eyes and cried to you in fear of the nearness of your funeral. Going back isn't an option. The flashbacks and the abuse are hard to face...but they are unto freedom. Cling to the Lord. Hold on to the people He has surrounded you with. Hold onto HIS truth..the only real truth...that in Him ALONE you have been set free. Fight for your life. You deserve it.
Learning to love you,
Bethany
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