love

As I lay in bed tonight I wonder if the last week of my life was real...or if it was simply a beautiful dream. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I have felt light. Maybe not physically, but within my heart and my soul,there was freedom. My heart danced and sang to a song I had only heard about...the melody of being in love. If I was on the outside looking in I would think the situation was totally crazy. I would think I was insane to believe I could fall in love so quickly...that I could be this sure in only 7 days. I can't explain it with words or convince anyone of its truth...but ask anyone who witnessed moments, days, conversations... they would tell you it's undeniable. I say its only been one week but that really isn't true. My whole family told me within days that they knew He was the one. I have been talking to him for about 2 months now. Emails, messaging via text and online, phone calls...all had built the road to last Monday night. And within an hour, I knew. I just knew. Going back to Nashville on Wednesday is going to be a challenge. Him leaving the country every other week is going to be a challenge. BUT, we both know that this week of what my sister likes to call "speed dating" is just the beginning. We may "know" but we both have alot of growth to do before the wedding will ever happen. ALOT of personal pain we both have to fight through...we both agree that rushing into something isn't practical right now. So we are going to go through this dance, this process, this adventure together. And we are going to enjoy the sweetness of new love.

The thing that amazes me the most in this whole thing is how much knowing you are really going to get married and have a family one day takes the pressure off. I don't feel like I have to worry anymore about how to find this person... and when I sit and think about how much time I wasted worrying...when God knew the whole time. The WHOLE time. Its an awakening to me of how far I have to go in trusting the Lord. I like to tell myself that its not that I don't trust God...its more that I just like to be in the loop to know the timing...which is exactly the piece that makes the word faith to be faith.

These days have been humbling as well as amazing. They have brought up a past im not proud of and an addiction that I know has the power and ability to destroy this relationship if i am not careful. It has shown me places of denial in my life, places of insecurity, of lust, of pride. It has shown me that the facade I present to the world of being the perfect Christian means nothing when its filled with holes through which sin will spill out. At the very same time the last week has shown me of my ability to love deeply, to enjoy family and friends and life...the ability to be myself and to be desired because of that. To be flawed and "used" and totally human...and yet to be someones answer to prayer. It is truly amazing. I have seen the heart of a man this week that is desperate to follow Christ. I have seen us as fellow believers come to the Lord together, as sinners saved by grace, needing grace and redemption and guidance in how to walk out this relationship. I have seen a man who treats women with love, with patience, and with respect. A man who hears the word no and stops without question. He is such an amazing blessing in my life.

I know this isn't my typical blog entry. I know this isn't an update on food or eating...but I hope it's a blessing to be reminded that in a world filled with pain the Lord brings abundance where there has been famine. He brings restoration where there has been great loss. He lavishes joy and love, even when we make mistakes. God has had me so tightly in his hands and knew this week would come...I truly never had to worry about my future...because He placed the desires of my heart into my heart...and He is a God who loves to give to His children...in HIS timing...His perfect timing. In good times and bad...God is good. In trial and blessing...God is powerful. In loss and in plenty...God is in control..

I know there is always a chance I could be wrong...but regardless, I am so thankful for the goodness of the Lord. I am so thankful for a week of easy breathing, after a year of pain and hard work. I am so blessed and so undeserving...I am so thankful for the gift of life through Jesus... I am so thankful that He is everything I need...and yet He chooses to bless us with relationships of all kinds. I am so thankful that apart from Christ there is no good thing...and that in Him I have the hope of glory.