Standing still. In the middle of a field of flowers. Wind blowing, hair flying. My back to the rest of the world looking at God knows what... staring past the reality of the moment. Staring past the sunshine and the white daisy's. Past the trees and the birds chirping. Eyes empty. Heart broken. No where to be, no where to go. No need to smile...no need to pretend. Its not much of a safe place but that's where I live most days at this point. My body, going through the motions of everyday life, but never present...never really fully alive. I don't know where I go, only knowing I want to be anywhere but here...at any point in my life other than where I am at this very moment. I fixate on my dreams...feeling the longing to be married so deep within me that it hurts to breath some days. I listen to old voice messages from Benjamin, knowing full well how pathetic I feel... but wanting to remember for a moment how happy I was when that call was received. If only to taste it for a minute...maybe then I would remember that it is possible to feel happy. To feel light. To feel loved.
It sounds so dark. I sounds so depressing. But I honestly don't think those are the words I would use. Tired?...yes. Tired sounds fitting. Lonely...that one works too. Sad. Desperate for life to be different. Desperate for the hope to be hopeful and the joy to be joyful. I'm done with empty words and broken promises. I want to know how to get to the other side...anywhere but here.
I met with Tiffany today...which was good. I find the tears come easily in her office. I covet a place where I can cry and my walls aren't drastically higher than the oceans of uncried tears within my heart. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would treasure a place where I can cry I would have told you that you were crazy... and yet its so true that we long for the safety to be real. To be genuine. To be ourselves. To not be judged, but instead to simply be loved. Accepted. Understood. We talked alot about facing today and not trying to figure out the places I want to be...the choices down the road, the decisions to make based upon how things go in the next few weeks. I have such a hard time being still. I make so much movement trying to fix things one step down the road and never quite fix the step right in front of me. So in all reality i can never move forward. I am always too afraid to let things drop...let the plates stop spinning, let the walls fall down. I am too afraid to be Bethany...because what if the world finds out that who I am can't compare to who I want to be.
There is a little girl who's blog I follow. She has cancer and her mom writes a couple times a week about their battle...their devastation's and their victories. I was reading an update today and something she said totally blew me away. She said that alot of people don't like it when she writes about the depths of pain and hurt and despair...that they want the "but Jesus is the answer so I will be positive" attitude. I was just amazed. To think someone would ask her not to be so depressing... to not be so raw and exposed and open with her deep pain as they walk through reoccurring childhood cancer with heir 7 year old daughter!!! Are you kidding me???? I wanted to go grab this mom and hold her and thank her for her honestly...tell her how incredible it is for her to be real about the pain...the frustration, the loss. To tell her she doesn't have to encourage the world and uplift them right now... She is walking one of the darkest roads right now...let the body lift YOU up. Let your heart be renewed by the strength of the people around your family. We, or maybe I should say I, don't find relation in the happy answers. I can't relate to the "But Jesus is good so everything will be ok." I can relate to wondering how I will wake up and face another day in spite of the darkness that surrounds me. I can relate and understand and pray for her daughter and their family when she is brave enough to not have all the answers...to not have to fix it and tie it together with a shiny bow. I honestly would be worried if she did.
I guess I say all that because it hit me how much I do what I would be appalled to ask another person to do. To be the encourager within the trial. To say the right Christian things and act as if its glorifying to God. I don't believe God is glorified in my right answers. I think He is glorified in my brokenness. In my sadness. In my lack of having it together. Its there that I am brought back to His feet, you know? It takes the pressure off me and reminds me that I am not the one in control. But that He is. There is something within pain that connects us. It takes us to the root of our humanity, the moment we ate the fruit of the tree, and it brings us closer to each other.
So, that said.... I am broken. I am scared. I am tired of feeling like a failure in my struggle to be the woman I want to be. I feel like a failure as a friend, as a daughter, and as a sister...and more than anything i want to scream and cast blame. I feel like I have suffered enough for what happened to be...why does it still get to destroy my life today? Its not fair. That's all i want to say and yet I know nothing will change in those words. Those words feel so borderline. They feel so immature, as if i am not taking responsibility for my own life. All I want is for someone to take me in their arms and tell me that its NOT fair and that its safe to heal now...and that they won't make me do it alone.
I am ready to face it. The plates have fallen. The pieces are on the floor and all I have to show for myself is desperation, a raw heart, and a love for a Savior who I believe deep down within...is faithful.
You are Faithful by Michael Boggs
Oh the mountains haven't always moved
when I prayed that they would
And the waters didn't always part
when I believed that they should
But you have promised you'd never leave us
to face this life on our own
so whatever you choose
however you move
i know im not alone
in the healing in the breaking
you are faithful, you are faithful
in the saving, in the suffering
you are faithful, you are faithful
through the pieces of a broken life
your love has helped me see
that i may never understand your ways
but you'll always be good to me
your love is deep enough to drown my fears Lord
the plans you have for me are worth waiting for
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