self reflections

Some days I don't have the words to adequately express this journey I am on. The highs and lows seem to keep my world spinning...and I am daily in awe of how quick I am to doubt the faithfulness of the Lord. It is hard to make myself sit back and reflect on each day and yet when I turn and look back I see that the person I am no longer matches the person who was typing these pages one year ago...it doesn't even match the person I was one month ago...and for that I am so thankful. It's funny because in the moment I long to see evidence that I am changing. I feel so low most days because I feel like my heart genuinely longs for total freedom and yet my actions don't always validate those desires. I want the instantaneous change. I want to be healed overnight. I want to wake up tomorrow and be in awe that the chains are gone and freedom abounds. I guess I wonder to myself quite often what it is about the here and the now that scares me so much. Why is it so hard to accept where I am? I don't know, its a question I have been asking myself a lot these days. Why is it so hard to accept myself, as I am? Why does it seem more socially acceptable to hate my body than it does to have self esteem? What is this awful thing I have done and will I ever be able to pay a price, be punished enough, so that I can return to loving myself. I even shudder as I type those words. It's crazy. It is a cycle that keeps me from being able to really know how to love others and how to allow others to love me... and if I ever want to have more than the life I have been living I MUST come to terms with myself. It's not easy. It's not something that I have been thinking about for a few days and am suddenly now great at. I guess the only thing that has really changed is my intention to figure out how to make myself be ok with who I am right this moment...to be gentle with myself. I try to compare the price I have to pay with the penalty that has already been paid for me and I see the grace that allows me to be free...the amazing grace that saved a wretch like me.
Today in group we did a self forgiveness exercise where we had to sit and hold a mirror in front of us and look at our reflection and individually repeat a script about forgiveness. There were "blanks" in the script where you had to fill in your own details...describing what you were forgiving yourself for and other lovely details that made me want to crawl out of my skin. I guess its just funny because I have been so positive about learning to forgive myself and yet when i had to look myself in the eyes and say the words out loud I could barely stand it. I think the thing that intrigued me the most was how uncomfortable it is to look myself in the eye. I mean I think it would be awkward and uncomfortable for anyone but guess i never know what its like to look me in the eye. So to stop and really look beyond my hair and my makeup was challenging. I could see the pain. It was more tangible in the moments than it is when I live within it everyday. I guess I could see the desperation and the fear...it was as if I was just waiting to be kicked in the stomach...just waiting for that final blow to knock me off my feet once more. I think my hint of compassion scared me. I see the pain in the eyes of people around me everyday and sometimes I am brought to tears when I see the anguish they carry with them. I am moved to reach out and touch them, just to let them know that in this crazy big scary world there is someone who cares. I lack compassion for myself. It's like I think that if i were to have compassion for myself I would be swallowed in self pity and end up being this undisciplined pathetic person. I am afraid I would become so absorbed in my sad self that no one would remember to punish me...to keep me in check...to keep me from hurting others. It's as though I see myself as this wild beast that I keep tame through self punishment and destruction...I am afraid of what I am capable of doing and afraid of love being taken away because of it. It is as though love is a drug to me and I am so desperate for it that I don't care what I have to do to receive it. I will take it in any shape or form...even if it hurts.
I guess its just ironic that the very thing I have been coaching myself to do was brought to me today...demanding that I come face to face with the person I fear the most...me. And I did it. I repeated those words with as much honesty and vulnerability that i could muster up...and yet they felt empty and useless. They simply felt like words. I know this is just the beginning and those were really just the initial steps in learning to forgive myself but I know that the more I repeat those things to myself the more real they will become. I know that I need to hear affirmations over and over again in order for them to replace the lies I have believed for so long. I know that if I desire lasting change I will have to face myself...that instead of focusing my attention on the outside... my relationships, my appearance, and my job that I have to look deep into myself and learn to love and accept the child that lives inside of me. I need to forgive her. Who am I to call her shame when the creator of the universe calls her beloved.