aimless

I don't ever feel like i have much to say and yet my mind is constantly racing, my heart pulled in a million directions at all times. I have been back in Nashville for 5 days now and I just can't seem to get back into the normalcy of life. I feel lost, like I'm wandering from moment to moment not entirely sure how i will make it to the next hour, next day. I feel like I should point myself in a direction and launch into a new life...and yet I am genuinely unsure of where to go, what i even want. I know I am fixated on ideals and wanting things to have turned out differently. And yet nothing I do today can change what happened yesterday or years before. I know that the only moment I have is really the moment I am in...and yet somehow that seems more overwhelming than simplifying. There was a memorial service yesterday for a man named Maurice Carter. He used to come to Mercy Ministries once or twice a week and lead our morning worship. He died of what they believe was a heart attack, he was in his early forties....young. I started to worry today about how much i yearn for what is in the future and yet how I am missing some of what could be the best days with my family. I started to panic at the thought of ever having to deal with losing my mom...how lost i would feel...how utterly alone I would feel...being left without any parents. And yet I choose to live thousands of miles away from her. I long for children of my own and yet i don't want time to pass...because time changes us and I want the mom i know today...not the mom who will have aged how ever many years. I live my life not appreciating the time i have with the people i love because i distance myself so far away from the those i love the most. I am a living contradiction and I am tired of it. I am tired of being sad and feeling alone because i haven't met "the" man who will suddenly throw my life back onto the track i feel like I jumped off of so long ago. It turns out I am searching for a man to be my savior, not my husband. I would never admit that. I know better than that. I know that I need someone to be my helper, not to be my Jesus. There is only one Jesus who can turn my pain into beauty and can turn the stain of sin to a color as white as snow. And yet I run from Him too. I keep trying to fix my own sin and transform my own life and I wonder why I am so burnt out and frustrated. I wonder why I feel so alone and depressed. It's because I acquired a taste for this world somewhere in the deepest darkest moments of my pain. I found comfort in something that was stealing my life...only because it distracted me from a void so raw and so deep I was left feeling as though i would be abandoned and bleeding to death. I hate facing those moments where I can't see God... i get terrified that the one who will never turn from anyone turned from me. I doubt. I have little faith. I feel like my circumstances are too big for the Lord. It's almost funny...I mean its not. It's not funny that I believe I am so big and so grand that I am beyond the Lord... it's depressing. It shows me that I live my life filtering my pain through the comprehension of a young child. I don't know the way out. I feel like I am in a maze and like the ropes that guide the path keep changing...and like me ever finding the end is hopeless. But in reality its not the end I am seeking. The fulfillment of life isn't tied in a bow waiting in that final moment i take in a breath and exhale for the last time...life is lived each and every day. We miss out on so much joy and laughter...so much purpose if we keep seeking, waiting for the day when life will be "worth" living.
My treatment team wants me to do a week of day treatment at renfrew, then 8 days of nested IOP. I don't want to. I don't think I need it. I honestly don't. I am doing better than I ever have before. I am eating all my meals and snacks and I am doing everything that is asked of me...everything except to do these three weeks of treatment. I know I am just being stubborn. I know I am not wanting to trust anyone besides myself. I really am just afraid to spend this much money and be in this much debt and months down the road be so overwhelmed that I can't function...and then go back to the eating disorder. I keep trying to convince them that they just can't see that I don't need to do this...and yet they keep reminding me that if my past is a predictor of my future I need to do these last few weeks in order to secure my recovery...to invest into my future. I think I am so afraid because this is actually requiring trust. I am allowing someone else to make a decision for me that I know is going to cost me money...and alot of self sufficiency. Making this decision I feel is going to make me more needy and dependent long term...when I know they believes this investment is going to make me more independent and happy in the long run. I guess I know what I should do...even though my gut is telling me not to. Every wall that I have built is signaling alarms right now...I am walking in to new territory ... territory that goes against all those rules that I thought once kept me safe.
So I have made the decision to live...not for tomorrow but for today. It's really all that I have. I don't know what will happen next week or next month and I want to truly use the time I have been blessed with to make a difference...and to really know the people in my life that walk beside me. I don't want to regret waiting to live until its too late. I can't remember if I used this quote a read a few weeks ago on here before...but even if i have its worth posting again. It is from the book Redeeming Love. It says,

"You're a bird who's been in a cage all your life and suddenly all the walls are gone, and you're in the wide open. You're so afraid you're looking for any way back into the cage again...Whatever you choose to think now, it's not safer there. Even if you tried to go back now, I don't think you could survive that way again."


God I desire to be thankful for each day that you give me...help me to live in the moment. Help me to make the decision to trust, even when it feels like its taking me and breaking me apart. I know you know the desires of my heart God and I give those things back to you. I want a husband, but I want Him in your timing. I want a family, but only in your timing. Help me to keep you at the center of who I am. Help me Father God to seek you every day...to seek you until I am found by you. God I am so tired of living life on my terms. I give you my life. I choose to walk by faith, believing you are who you say you are. Heal the wounds of my past. Help me to walk back through the things I need to in order to find true freedom in you...and help me to leave everything else where it belongs...in my past. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live in constant surrender...but I believe that you do. Teach me. I desire to be a vessel for you to do something great for your name...not for my glory...but for your glory alone. I simply want to extend the love that you have given me and reach a hurting and broken world. Rid me of myself and fill me with you. Transform my darkness into light. I believe you are who you say you are... and once again I turn my heart over to you. Teach me how to love and be loved. Teach me how to receive without insisting I pay for everything i get. Show me what it truly means to receive grace. Point my life in the direction where you are and lead me step by step into the promised land. I surrender to you.