Statue

I was at Kairos tonight and during worship one of the leaders read a verse from 2 Corinthians. It was a verse I have heard many times before but this time it was read from a different translation that I was used to. It said,
"It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us." (2 Corinthians 4:6-7 MSG)
I wasn't sure what it was exactly that stirred me so much about that. I mean other than the fact that its a beautiful thing really. The idea that we are so ordinary and God is so amazing and He chooses to reside within each one of us. But there was something about the analogy of a clay pot that brought tears to my eyes. If you think about a clay pot that was in perfect form it would be difficult to really see light that was inside of it. But take one with cracks and holes missing and the light floods out. Ok, so stay with me. At the end of the message tonight Mike Glenn, the pastor, was talking about eternity... living forever. I have always had issues with the thought of living forever. There is something so final and so exhausting about there never being an end. And tonight as He was talking about God's deep love for us and how He has the heart of a Father for us, my heart felt like it was breaking. I had this picture in my head of a statue, made of clay. Me, in a mold with a smile on my face, appearing to be happy and beautiful... and yet there was blood pooling at my feet. Bleeding from within. It's a disturbing picture, I know. But there is something so frustrating about life in that I can't figure out the magic secret that bring joy to life and makes it real. I have moments where I feel it. I have glimpses of hope, of running free with abandon...and then the darkness always settles back in and in a moment, its gone. I am back to being frozen, a statue. Trapped in a moment of time...alive but cold, as good as dead. I just can't help but feel like I am going through the motions of life praying that the bleeding will stop before its too late. I know that no one had ever died of a broken heart...and my heart isn't broken from a failed relationship. I feel like there is something from inside of me that has shattered and I have spent all these years trying to make it appear that I am the person I portray to this world while I am silently trying to piece together something that has been shattered beyond repair. I guess my fear is that this brokenness could be a blessing...it could be what allows the light of Christ to shine out of me and be used to point others to my Savior...but that I am so determined to make myself appear flawless that I am covering up what makes me unique. I just am not sure I believe I can be free from this pain...this sickness. I want so desperately to walk away from the voice of the eating disorder, from the voice of Satan, and stop believing the lies of darkness. I want so much to heal, to live, to love. I guess my heart's desire is that I can stop covering the brokenness in order to be the person I want to be...and instead live as the person I am, believing that one day being real will lead me to the path of the person I long to be. I want to become alive before I turn to stone...I don't want to be eternally frozen as the person I pretended to be while never experiencing the joy I believe the Lord wants to give me. I don't understand the path He has taken me...one which I am sure I have made many wrong turns independent of His leading. I don't know why I am the way I am or why it is that my heart is so perpetually heavy. I don't know why it is so hard for me to be real, be flawed. All I know is that if I live as I am now, though I have come a long way from where I was, I will still end up far from the place my heart desires...because I am still so stuck on presenting who I want to be instead of who I am.



Lord bring my heart to life. Help me to be so enmeshed with you that I lose myself and when others see me, they see you. God I long to be free. Set me free of the statue I present to the world and help me become the person who you have created me to be. Lord God I long to know your joy in a deeper way. I am so thankful that I am not who I was...and that you will use the brokenness in my life to show your glory. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.