The question of the day at church was who do you proclaim yourself to be...who do you see yourself as? The reality is that I am not who I see myself, I am who Christ says I am. Mike Glenn talks about the courtroom in his mind where he sat and was his own biggest prosecutor. He asked us who we would make claim to be. I sat and thought of the long list that came to mind. Failure. Addict. Never enough. Always too much. Bound with chains to anorexia and feeling like I will never be strong enough to be free. Hopeless. Selfish. And the list went on and on. And there is truth in every one of those statements. The enemy could present a case before God Almighty and be accurate with each one of those words. But I am so incredibly thankful that it doesn't end there. Jesus stepped in front of me, in front of God, and took the blame for each on of those things. And now, being bought with HIS blood, He gets to tell me who I am. I am no longer my past. I am no longer my failures. I am no longer the person I see when I look in the mirror. The full truth really is that I don't know who I am...other than knowing I am a child of God.
You see this fresh start in front of my should be looked at with great excitement. I know I have the chance to live the life I have longed to step into for so long. So I guess I don't know why I am so afraid and so skeptical. I guess part of me knows that if I consistently fail here, where I have an amazing treatment team and group of friends...then what chance do I have of succeeding without those things.
God used to speak to me with pictures all the time. I used to have these "visions" of sorts and for a long time I feel like they have disappeared. Today, in the stillness of the prayer time, I saw a picture. It started as me being face to face with Jesus. I was sweating and crying and freaking out, thinking I was going to die. I couldn't help but look around me but it was dark. Jesus kept putting his hand on my face and turning me back to him and would simply say, keep your eyes on me. Don't look down or to the side, watch my eyes and I will lead you. The fear didn't diminish. The sweat didn't stop pouring down my cheeks. But in desperation I willed myself to focus on Him. As I did the scene started getting small and a greater perceptive of where I was became more clear. I was up high walking on a thin stretch on land between two mountain tops. There was enough room for my feet to stand with maybe an inch on either side. The wind swayed me and in fear I wanted to lay down and inch along on my belly. I was holding onto Jesus who was walking backwards guiding me. He didn't sway or lose his balance. He was a rock...I was the one who kept tipping from side to side. And if I just held onto him and stayed close, He would shield the wind from hitting me.
Mike Glenn often talks about how it is silly for us to be frustrated that Jesus provides the only way out. To compare it to being in burning building and being trapped in a room huddled on the floor... and then to hear the voice of a fire fighter extending his hand and saying i know the way out. We wouldn't get angry at him and ask who he thought he was to tell me there was only one way out. We wouldn't thank him for his offer but wait and see if we can find an alternate route. No, we would desperately hold onto his hand and let him lead us out. Yet I get frustrated. I want there to be a way for my way to work and I get so angry at the thought of "needing" a savior. You see I don't want to need anyone... because with need comes power and there has been quite a few people who have used that power to strip me and beat me... and leave me cold and broken. I am so angry at the brokenness of this life that I allow my pride to keep me from embracing and enjoying any part of it. There has to be life beyond this. This can't possibly be as good as it gets. But I have to ask myself how desperate I am to find it and take hold of it and risk losing everything for it.
I know this wasn't all too cohesive. I know there was little clarity or hope offered from these words. But as long as they stay trapped within my mind I am held captive to their echoes. I will end with two songs, both of which are totally random... but have struck my heart in unique ways this week. The first is called Learning to Live Again by Garth Brook... this was the only actual Garth Brooks recording I could find
The second is by Martine McBride called Anyway
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