No words

The wave of the last few weeks crashed over me and took away all my words...sometimes life is so deep and so painful that its hard to breath, let alone speak. It's interesting really...how words disappear and only silent prayers manage to constantly be on the tip of my tongue. In the silence, in the stillness...in the noise and chaos of the day in day out existence that we call life, there quietly waiting is the fear, the what ifs...the realization that we have much less control than we would like to believe and yet more than we give ourselves credit for.
Cancer is an awful word. Its a poison that seeps into the lives of those actually battling its ramifications, but also into the hearts of the loved once standing beside them. Helplessly trying to support and love and hold up while inside we too are dying...yet knowing its not about us...and yet hurting with every step along the road.
Its funny because life after cancer is different. Much like life after losing a parent, after abuse, after an eating disorder is different. While you appreciate the health of those you love and treasure each moment you still feel jaded, scarred from the wounds that aren't necessarily always yours to claim...but the scars run deep and run wide. As I waited in the waiting room for 5 hours today I felt oddly numb. I no longer had any control of the situation. All I could do was to trust God above all else, and trust the man who went through years and years of schooling to specialize in removing cancer. Everything else seems somehow less important. I want to put aside the "trauma work". I want to put aside the elusive search for a husband. All I want to do is not be so afraid...and to have my mom healthy. And in the height of the moment all else fades away. And i struggle to believe with everything in myself that those things will stay in the background and i can move on as though nothing at all has broken me. I just don't know how I will ever feel again. When you make the decision that this journey isn't about your fear or pain or brokenness and allow the one who is sick to have the right to what they need taking precedence over everything else...its a decision to be numb...because how else will you survive?
The words still won't come easily. My mind still in fight or flight...not on me or my journey. Only wanting to hold tight to my mom and never let go. After losing one parent you become desperate to do anything to not lose another. I pray that somehow in this lack or words or feelings i can find a way to still love deeply and do what I need to do to be available to be of use to others. I try to be thankful...because I am so very thankful. I am so thankful for God's goodness and faithfulness to stand beside His promises... I am so thankful He hears us and it moves him to action...to compassion...to remind us His love is always far greater than our own love for our loved ones. He gets all the credit...to Him be all glory..forever and ever amen.