Partial Surrender

My mind works in extremes. All or nothing. Healthy or sick. Perfect or a mess. I have trouble grasping the more often then not reality...which is the day in day out beautiful imperfection. The struggle over the last few weeks has increased. I cling to exercise as if it can in and of itself sort out the insanity of my heart and mind. I have found myself apathetic and unsure of what it is I want or need or believe or understand. I reached this point, this place, of not being able to figure it out. Any of it. There are so many dreams and desires and things I hope for and long for and they all seem so out of my reach. I reached this point where simply and calmly I explained to God, in the stillness of my car, that He has to figure it out...because I can't. And it felt good. It wasn't all godly and heroic as if to humble myself and confidently remind God to be, well, God. It was a small prayer...a desperate whisper...a sad realization that I have no ability to make my desires come to pass in a way that would actually bring me joy. And if i was going to be totally honest, it was a take a relief. I'm tired. So tired of trying to make it all work and make myself look perfect and held together. But I couldn't let my heart rest in this partial surrender. Because that is what it was. It was surrender of my love life. Surrender of my dream to be a mom and a wife. Surrender of my career and occupational dreams. Which is alot. I can't discount that....because those things seem to hold so much of my self worth in them. But tonight as i was listening to the sermon in church I felt that guilty reminder that I haven't surrendered the eating disorder or the exercise at this point. I want to be free. But im terrified. And I am so frustrated with myself. I became so hard on myself because i decided that partial surrender is worthless. That unless its total and all consuming its as good as nothing at all. But my heart was reminded of grace....not grace to continue sinning but grace to take steps towards total surrender. If I wait until all of me lines up and I stand before God with nothing left to hold onto but Him I am afraid it will take me far too long and far too much fixing of myself to get to a place of humility...of freedom. So for tonight I stand...desiring to surrender fully....but only able to surrender as big of a piece that I can let go of....and i believe, I really believe, that as I truly soak in that surrender I will desire and long to surrender more and more unto Him. Because He brings freedom. His control isn't harsh and unloving...its gentle and purposeful. We are able to more easily move to the rhythms of his grace into the destination he had planned all along...its just getting there was a little easier than the long twisted road i would have chosen on my own. I long to hand over my will more and more...but for tonight I offer all I can...and for tonight I believe it is enough.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Eph 3:20