the perfect package

I did it. I didn't want to and I didn't try to...but somehow I did it. Here I was trying so hard to make it through each day staying totally oblivious to what was really going on deep inside my heart...and today it was shattered. Somehow a mirror appeared in front of my half hearted smiling face and in the reflection I saw reality. It's not happy or smiling at all...in fact its in pretty sad shape. I know you are thinking, well, reality is a good thing bethany. I know, I know...it just sucks to feel the weight of everything.

Getting better is freaking hard. I would like to sound inspiring and confident and detail my life in perfect analogies for the world to learn from my daily breakthroughs...but today is just not one of those days. It actually makes me wonder if I am always full of "it" (possibly lacking a "sh" in front of it). Because today it really feels that way. I started this blog months ago as a way to encourage myself as I encouraged others by walking my journey to freedom out loud...and I'm sorry to announce that i think I am finally starting to reach the "angry phase"... and I just don't see my anger ever being motivational for anyone around me. Again, this is making some of you smile, but try and at least pretend to be as frustrated for me as I feel. So here is my warning. What follows from here might not be happy. It might not be inspiring. It may be flat out annoying or depressing...but I can promise you that its real...and apparently that's all I have to offer at this point.

Like some of you know, I'm not such a fantastic liar. Deep breath, here we go.
I think one of the hardest parts of recovery that I have to make peace with is that its messy. I want the pretty sun dress, perfect hair and makeup, and glowing eyes that match the genuine smile. I want to laugh at the right times and cry when things are sad...I want life to be beautiful. I want to fit in a perfect little package that someone will admire with awe, pick up, and want to keep forever. I want the shiny bow and the glittery wrapping paper. I want the corners to be folded symmetrically and the tape to be transparent. Instead I feel like the package under the tree that no one really wants simply because of the way it has been wrapped. Its the one with the print that doesn't have anything to do with the nature of the occasion. Its the one that has tape everywhere leading you to wonder how there is even a way to somehow get what is inside out. There is no pretty bow. The paper is crumpled and probably screams of a "re-use" of a former present's covering...it has "hand-me-down" written all over it. I have been living my life trying so hard to change the paper on the outside and it seems the harder I try the more crumpled and tattered I become. I am so tired of being a mess. I am so tired of having hand-me-down written all over me. I am tired of my past defining who I am and becoming a selling point, or lack there of, for relationships to come. It hurts. It hurts more than sand on the beach or stars in the sky. My past is no longer the stories I have repeated for years and years...those stories have come to life and have developed a heart beat...the heart beat that I guess was always there but that was silenced in a vault deep within me.

It hurts to come alive...way more than it hurts to stay silent. However staying silent literally robs you of the ability to connect or form relationships with others...so you may be numb or void of emotional pain, but in its place you feel detached and alone...like no one can really love you for who you are. It's an oddly difficult choice at times...stay numb and alone with an appealingly simple put together package...knowing you can never let anyone get close enough to open it or else they would find the used disgusting particle inside. Or, face the disgrace and shame of the content of your package. Face the disgrace and shame of your mismatched print and crumpled edges. Acknowledge the tape that is everywhere and yet is still barley holding you in tack. AND with all of that risk that no one will ever want to get any closer than the paper your present yourself with to the world. I try and tell myself that at least with the second option, if someone ever does want to chance their luck, they will know what they are getting...so they don't expect perfection and find a tornado. They will see a hot mess, and Lord knows why, want it anyway...and find that its exactly what they expected it to be.

I know the right answer is that God has the ability to transform any package and take the pain and devastation and shame and guilt and abuse and sickness and whatever else the world can thrown at a person, and touch it and make it breathtaking. I KNOW that. I even BELIEVE that. But some days, like today, my heart grows weary at how desperate I am to see Him love me enough, ME, to make this yuck into something beautiful. Because it hurts alot. I keep searching for that next thing to fix the gaping hole in my raw heart and I know its HIM. I really do. I just wish I could find a way for that information, that piece of truth, to penetrate my soul. I want that to be tangible so desperately. I want to feel the arms of Jesus all around me as I come out of a flashback...I want to be able to feel His love as I weep in brokenness as the memories of yesterday disappear into the walls of Tiffany's office. I find myself picturing that little girl...since its me I see her dressed in a pretty pink nightgown holding flowers, presenting herself as the only package she knew how to at the time. And the wrong person picked her. They unwrapped her package and tore its contents to pieces...and when they were finished left everything that was inside and all of its wrappings in a pile...and walked away.

Some days aren't stand up and cheer kind of days. Some day I feel pretty successful to still be here to type out my heart in words. I think what is most important though is to make it to the end of the day determined that facing what is inside is the only way to genuinely change what is on the outside. I'm struggling - yes. I'm frustrated and angry and annoyed by the way my life looks right now - yes. I still HATE food- yes. But regardless, I keep fighting. I eat the stupid meals and listen to the stupid treatment team and follow the stupid exercise plan. : )...because I believe there is hope. I believe in the God who is hope. I walk by faith, knowing that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Paul said it way better then I ever could...and His chains and bondage were way more literal than mine...

Phillipians 1: 3-10

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

Dangerously Unpredictable

I don't do well with being in the moment. I'm curious. Restless. Easily distracted. I like to run hard through life, always chasing the next moment...always believing what is to come will make up for what is right now...and its easy to do. Trust me. Its one of those times in my life right now...i don't like how it feels to be in the moment. I don't like the decisions I have to make. I don't like the constraints I feel in direct correlation to "self care". I feel weak and pathetic...and maybe a little on the whiny side : ). I'm exhausted. I left Magnolia Creek late Monday afternoon and started at Renfrew today (Tuesday morning). Here is a little not so secret this about me...I hate change. I know, I'm a basket(my Vessels and Flowers plug!), I'm supposed to love change. But I don't. I thrive in routine. I like to sit in the same place everyday, eat the same food and be around the same people. I find so much comfort in consistency and predictability. Which is awesome considering life is pretty much only predictable in the fact that it always changes.
Today was a hard day. Meeting new people and starting a new program is always anxiety provoking. Calculate in the added bonus of a depleted bank account and a doctors order not to work and you pretty much have a panic attacks waiting to happen. Kidding...kinda. That said, I did ok. Don't get me wrong. I didn't enjoy doing any of it. I hate following a meal plan. I hate asking for help. I hate having to make new connections with new people and I hate missing people I really love. So it sucked, but I did it. The biggest dilemma I am running into right now is trying to figure out how the meal plan from the creek and the meal plan at renfrew match up...figuring out what I need to add (or who knows maybe subtract!) to make everything balance out. They don't have a morning snack at Renfrew so upon leaving today the dietitian told me just to add an extra snack to this afternoon....I looked at her like she must be talking to someone else in the room who didn't just discharge from residential the day before. Getting in a snack and dinner on my own was already my challenge...trying to fit in another one was just too much. So, I did the best I could. I ate my dinner. I ate my snack...and even though I feel like I eat way more than anyone else I know, I am still pressing forward.
I was looking at sweet pictures of my precious nieces today...taken back by just how beautiful they really are and it reminded me oh just how much I want to be a mom. My dietitian here in nashville told me once that doing the right thing isn't going to feel good for a long time...and in fact hating what you are doing might actually be a sign you are on the right track. I understood that today. I hated eating my meals. I hated cooking dinner. I REALLY hate having to do dishes after you eat ( I mean seriously is there any perks to making a mess, eating it, and then having to clean it up. Grrrrrrr.). But I have to believe I am on a pathway that will bring the ability to enjoy life in the moment. And I know that starts now. I know I have to start appreciating the things in the here and the now that I am thankful for...so that I am not constantly living my life for the next thing...and never having anything to show for where I am today. And there are so many things I am thankful for. I have amazing roommates. Amazing friends...and an amazing church family standing around me. I am so thankful...more thankful then words can express.

Right now I continue to choose to walk by faith. I am scared and tired and wanting to just have something familiar to hold onto...some form of addiction or dependency to ease the discomfort. But I have to believe that its only through clinging to Christ...and the people He has surrounded me with...and the truth that He has given to me...that I will experience the freedom I long for. I must run with full abandon onto the pathway that is marked dangerously unpredictable. I guess if things get predictable that is a pretty good indicator that I have stepped off the pathway into the great unknown...that I have fearfully cowered to the ease of destruction. Radical change will only come through giant steps of faith...if it was easy, faith wouldn't be required. So, with sleepy eyes I finish writing this, determined to make tomorrow a better day. I am sad, missing the staff and the girls that have been my family for the last 4 months. I am trying to figure out how to be sad and be just that...sad. Not trying to cover it with behaviors and temporary fixations...maybe even letting a few tears fall down my face...because I will no longer live my life trying to make the right now as comfortable as possible. Running from pain has only led me down a pretty colored road straight to a life of bondage and shame. No more. Its time for radical change. Its time to take the road marked dangerously unpredictable... and who knows, in the end, it might be the path that leads me straight to my dreams.

the choice

Everything is a choice. Everything. There have been moments in the last week that have broken me...literally bringing me to my knees. I am afraid. I am discharing from Margolia Creek next tuesday...after 90+ days in their program I am transitioning to the renfrew day treatment program in Brentwood. I thought after 3 months in a program I would be feeling solid and secure in my recovery. I thought after all this time, all this work and sweat and tears I would have more to show for it than a broken and humbled heart. I have found myself staring in the mirror crying out to the Lord asking Him where I went so wrong...and to help me find my way out of this trap. Its exhausting. Fighting this hard for this long and seeing the progress be so slow, so gradual. I have heard many people tell me over this time that it didn't take me a month to get into my eating disorder and it won't take me a month to get out...but many of us tend to have higher expectations for ourselves...believing we should be super human...that we should be above the statistics. I scoff at the thought of average. Average, I ask myself? Who wants or lovesd or accepts someone that is average? I have to be amazing. I have to be brillant, stunning and strong...meeting the expectations other don't even know that they have of me. I feel abandoned and alone. I feel like I have failed and as punishment Magnolia Creek is sending me away...once again I feel like the problem no one really wants to deal with. So I have a choice. I can crumble to the ground...overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings...but honestly where will that get me? Or, I can stand beneath the weight of a heart that feels too heavy to bear. I can keep moving forward, even when im not sure if the effort is worth what is on the other side. I am exhausted. But if I don't choose to fight for me who will? So what I want to do is react to the circumstances before me. I want to say its not fair and its too hard and that I hate life...I want to say screw it all. I really do. I am so tired of the shit that life brings with it. Am I allowed to say shit in this? Hmmmmmmm. But I am. There are times i just don't see how its possible to keep going. But still I choose to. I don't have any other choice. I wish something would just come easily. I wish something would just fall into my hands...but what would i learn from that? I know that the testing of my faith bring with it lessons that help me grow closer in my walk with God....its just hard to be thankful for the pouring down rain in the midst of the storm.
Jesus, hold me. Walk with me....I need you more then I ever have before.

Not my will...

Life doesn't always go the way we plan for it to go. I set high ambitions and lofty goals about pulling myself out of the trapings of an eating disorder. I believed that a mixture of pure will and good intentions would be enough...I believed that addiction was little more then a word that weighed other people down...but that I was stronger. I have been at Magnolia Creek for 31 days now. I thought for sure after 30 days here I would be healed, or at least able to maintain the new found eating patterns I would have surely developed. But there is so much more rooted in this pain than putting food into my mouth. Its been a journey. A humbling experience that has reminded me that in and of myself I have nothing. Trying harder alone won't make lasting changes...because I don't have the power to change anything by mustering up the energy and desire and longing...unless all of that is in submission to the Lord and to a team of people around me who can walk with me into freedom. The staff here at Magnolia Creek have blown me away. Never before have I seen a "non Christian" program be so full of people who love the Lord...people who really understand what it means to love fully and embrace deeply. I don't believe a programin and of itself really changes a person. I believe that the Lord can use a program to transform your heart and prepare you for the journey ahead...one that I believe He alone can take you on.
As of right now I will be here for another 2 weeks....with a possibility of stepping down to their partial program after that...or discharging and doing the day treatment program in nashville through Renfrew. The flashbacks have still been pretty bad...happening 1-2 times a day. But they say they are getting better...and that I am coming out of them faster...all of which is good news. But I am commited to this process. I am committed to seeing the life on the other side of this disorder...I am desperate for freedom. There is so much more to this life than bondage. There is a whole spectrum of emotions that allow you to see the beauty, and yes the pain as well, that makes life worth living. A life void of emotion is a life spent missing all the things that make this journey worth living. I haven't been the perfect patient...by far. I haven't been the one to change the fastest or take the most risks...but I have been here. For 31 days. Fully commited to facing a past that has already taken too much time. So I so uncomfortably sit here, daily surrendering too living life. Daily surrendering to the Lord of all creation who has the ability to heal the brokenness and restore the years the locusts have taken. He alone is my hope. And so I wait on Him....knowing that at times the over night healing isn't the one that leads me closest to Him...and knowing that overnight healing isn't the path that most often helps others relate and see the hope that is Jesus. One day at a time I take each step not knowing what tomorrow will hold....but knowing the one who holds tomorrow. I believe there is freedom. He is my freedom...so I hold onto hope when it feels like there is nothing else to cling to.

stepping out on dry land...

I don't have words to describe the way I am feeling. I feel so much so intensely and yet have no ability to communicate those feelings in connection to life around me. I feel totally detached and yet so overwhelmed that i can think, can't breath...can't stand waiting another moment for some relief. Its that feeling you get when there is 3 seconds left on the clock and you are down by one and have the ball...when the result of a medical test determines if someone you love is going to make it...when you know everything around you is about to change...and yet for the rest of the world things just keep passing right by. Its those moments where you wish more than anything you could rewind it and go back in time and choose a different path...you relive those small decisions over and over again and will yourself to have made different decisions. Its the moments where you sit and stare at two options before you...and you wonder if there is a third one which will let you sleep forever. I was on the phone to a lady from Magnolia Creek today trying to get her the medical release from my doctor that she needs in order to admit me on thursday...and it as been such a process to try and get this paperwork faxed over. So finally I got most of the stuff to her and she said to me, wow, you must feel like you have weights on your shoulders. Yeah, I told her. I really do.
I have never felt this afraid of what I am walking into. I have never felt so alone, yet so totally surrounded. I have never felt so guilty and ashamed of where I am at...and of the decisions, my decisions, that have led me to this point. What people don't understand is that this is my greatest fear...to me this is the great unknown. Letting go of all control, all privacy, all respect, and all dignity. I am walking away from the greatest support I have ever known...from attachments I thought I would never want to have. I am forcing myself to trust people that I don't even know...that don't know me at all. I am hurting and so incredibly afraid and I have to go into this next part alone. I know I have the Lord but I am not going to lie...that feels so scary. I am seeing I know Him more now...but being alone, just me and Him is a whole different story. I have spent so much of my life depending on myself...and now that I have finally found a safe place I am walking into hell...into the fire...through the fire. There is a song by JJ Heller called Only Love Remains. It says,

"You burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth. The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth. I begin to see reality for the first time in my life. I know that I'm a shadow but Im dancing, in your light."

I know that the things being burned off of me are things that really are only holding me down...I am just so afraid. I am so afraid of losing the family that is all around me. I am afraid of losing it all. I am afraid of losing the bethany I have hidden behind for so long...so afraid that what will be left won't be desirable at all...and that all my walls will be gone. I will be exposed for what I am...and that I will be alone.


Lord God, I give you this time. I give you this journey I am about to take. Lord you have led me this far and I pray Lord that your hand and your voice alone would guide me along these steps. Lord be my provision. Be the comfort in the darkness. Be the hope that brings me through the pain. Be in the therapist, the staff, and the women I meet...remind me each day that you are there...and that I am not going alone. I want to walk beside you instead of pulling you behind me Lord. I don't want to run ahead of you or be dragged behind you. I want to take each step with you. Be my strength when I have none. Be my courage when I can't take another step. Give me hope when it feels like all is lost. I pray Lord that as I go into this cocoon you would take who I was before and transform me into the new creation you desire for me to be. When it feels like I am dying Lord remind me that you offer new life...and new mercy everyday. Help me walk through the pain and face it...teach me how to walk arm and arm with you. You are more than enough. My heart doesn't know that but truth remains...you are MORE than enough. Heal me Lord. Heal me for your glory.

seeking the healer...not the healing

The last few days have been a bit of a blur. Every time the wind blows I jump, thinking its the Lord moving and doing something. Which often times it might be. However there are other times when I jump at what looks like it must be from the Lord...and don't bother to ask him before I run at the chance of my miracle. I layed in bed last night thinking...a very common thing for me to do these days. Sleep is miles away and my mind races, as if thinking more about things is going to solve the mountain of questions that stand before me. It was then that I felt it. Not shame. Not anger. But the still small voice that came in the quiet of the night...sad, maybe even hurt...asking me why I was seeking the miracle instead of seeking after the one who holds the world in the palm of His hands. Conviction. At some point my desperation stopped being for the Lord and started being for what the Lord could do for me. Seeking a miracle wasn't wrong by any means...but seeking the miracle instead of seeking the Lord made my perspective get lost. The Lord knows better then to provide the miracle when that alone is what we are seeking...because when the miracle has come and gone our hearts toward the Lord aren't any different. He knows that HE is what will give me lasting freedom. Not a treatment center. Not a certain amount of money. Its Him.
He reminded me of a word He gave me a week or two ago. And in looking back I can see that He wasn't talking just about Selah House. He was wanting me to expect from Him the true character of who He is...and to believe Him for the desires He has for my life. So, I thought I would post that word as a reminder to me...to remind myself to seek after the healer instead of the healing. To remember that He is always good and is always in control. That nothing is outside of His reach....and that I am HIS beloved.
So in the midst of a hard week and the probability that this next week will bring with it inpatient treatment I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus.. Hebrews 12:2 says
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

So, I end with the word I felt like the word so clearly spoke to me a few weeks ago and change my gaze from the promise to the one who loves sinful men enough to give HIMSELF as a ransom. He alone is what will change us. He alone is what will heal us. He is faithful. He alone is our hope and our reason to live.



The Lord brought me to Exodus 14:13-16.

13"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." 15 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground."

And then this is what I feel like He said...

My provision isn't inadequate. My supply is rich, full, abundant. It is time to stretch out your hand over the sea and speak that it will part. I didn't lead the Israelites over muddy swampy ground as they crossed the sea- they walked on dry ground. Hold fast to me. I have placed Selah House on your heart for a reason...there is a way. Though it seemed impossible to Moses as He stood at the banks of the red sea I knew the way. Have faith. Know that I see where you are and have not forgotten you. You are at the edge of the sea and it seems as though you are cornered in...but its time to stretch out your hand over the water and watch the sea part before you so that you can cross on dry land. The journey won't be easy. It won't be a quick fix...it will require facing things that will break you...but I will be there weeping beside you. Holding you. You must let them in. You must open your heart and trust me, and trust the process. Tiffany will be here. She will be a part of this for a long time...so don't shut her off when you leave. She loves you...embrace that. Love her...its okay...it won't hurt her. The vulnerability required through this whole process will be painful...but they will walk with you. Be ready for the sea to part...be ready and expectant of dry land. Walk forward knowing that everything about the way you have done life until this point will be changed for the good. No more will you walk around this same mountain. No longer will you fall to this place. You will struggle but you will be equipped to fight and you will be surrounded by warriors who will fight with you...people who are willing to fight with you even until death if ever necessary. You are so loved. This isn't you running. Its following my leading to a place of healing. A places where the busyness of this world will fade away. I love you enough to give you a place of rest. I don't require this to be done in the most challenging "be strong" "barley survive" sort of way. My burden is light...I am giving you this as a chance to heal in safety because it is what is best for you...and as a protective Father I want to give you good and plentiful abundant gifts. You deserve a chance to heal. Money is no obstacle. You are worth all the money in this world. You are a gem. A princess...my daughter...who I will lavish with my care. Stretch out your hands. Pray in faith. Believe this week mountains will move. All you need to do is be still and believe."

So Tired

Have you ever had that feeling in your stomach...the one where you feel a little short for oxygen and your heart is beating real fast? That me, right now. I am laying in bed and for some reason I just realized that going back into treatment isn't just a thing im considering or a fleeting thought out in the future...its most likely a reality that is coming sooner than later. I remember that day when I got on the plane to fly to remuda ranch, scared to death, regretting the decision to board that plane at all. I cried for days. I remember getting to make a phone call to let my mom know I was there safely and just sobbing telling her I changed my mind and I wanted her to come get me. I thought I had just entered hell. So as the reality of the situation and the location of treatment gets settled and figured out...narrowing it down one by one...i get a little short for breath. The reality of the situation laying heavy on my chest...knowing that choosing to give up all control is the hardest decision I have to make...and to me, control is everything. So I sit thinking all this through...Im going to pay some people ALOT of money to hold me ransom, make me gain some weight, and take away the thing I have used as my life vest all my life. Its scary. And the craziest part, to me at least, is that I have convinced myself that I am totally ok. I convinced myself that everyone around me was making a bigger deal out of things then necessary because i somehow gave them that impression, which is my fault of course. But now everyone is concerned and worried and desperate for me...and I realize that I have been basing everything on the wrong picture the whole time. Its scary what the mind is capable of when the reality of what is is too much to contain...so I guess you create a way to make it more manageable.
People think treatment is the easy way out. People think that it is an easier choice...and in theory it is in the moment...because it is a delay...something off in the distance that makes me now crawl out of my skin right now. But then there comes this day when you think to yourself, "crap, what have I done?" I always taught when i got to this spot I would be able to reason with myself and say ok, now lets just eat and go on with life." So I get to this spot where I am like oh, yeah, treatment is expensive. Its scary. I have to leave all the people I know and love and who support me and go live with strangers who want to get me nice and yes, the "H" word. Healthy. In the mind of an anorexic its the code term for fat...its like we think they trick us into being what sounds like a good desirable thing and then the moment someone compliments you on how healthy you look you get tears in your eyes and you are reminded that you have lost your life long companion. Its a loss like any other...its painful, its scary, its lonely...but it does get better. Or so I have been told. An abusive relationship is replaced by health friendships and life becomes green and beautiful. But still, its unknown...so its hard to let go of what is when its all you have ever known...and to reach for something that you have to believe in faith is better than the life I have now. I can hear my words and vows I made with myself years ago...promising I would never need anything from anyone so that when those people left or died...nothing would change in my life. I was my stability...and all these years later I regret that more then I can express. Because now I stand before major life decisions, wondering when I will walk into a treatment center and give up my life to find healing unto a new one. I guess that feeling in the pit of my stomach is good...because it means the winds are changing...just like you feel moisture in the air before it even starts to rain...this feeling eludes to a great life shift at hand. Its scary...I'm not sure I am brave enough to keep walking...so I have faith for what will be as if it is already here. I believe the Lord when He says we will reach the other side of the sea... and I learn how to take off the heavy burdens I have carried for so long and walk in the strength and mercy that is new each morning. If only my heart could feel the truth instead of having a death grip on what it feels. My mind never has been good at convincing my heart of much up until now...but I guess there is always a first time for everything.