keep walking

There are so many unknowns right now. Every way I look I see mountains...every path seems to bend in a way that limits how far down it I can see. So many decisions feel out of my control...and the ones that do feel like are in my control are actually the ones that are controlling me. Everything is spinning. I hit a wall...the edge of a cliff...the bottom of the well. My resources and my plans have failed me and like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden...i find myself hiding from the only one who can save me. He is all I have. He is my only hope of freedom. He is the only one who moves mountains. He is my Father, my provider...He is the one who gave me life. So I'm terrified but in that there is some sort of peace because i have nothing left in me to try and figure it out. I have no more doors to pry open. I have nothing left to trade or barter. I am out of control...out of energy and out of the parameters of my plans. I had a hard conversation today...many hard conversations today. But one of them in particular left me feeling the weight of the situation more than any others have in the week or so. When everyone has stated their opinions. When everyone has picked their side. When everyone has gone back to living their own lives I sit face to face with my maker...so clearly in need of a savior. No one understands me the way He does. No one knows my heart the way He does. No one knows the plans of my life like He does. No one is always with me like He is. I don't want to be in charge any more. I don't want to be the one making the big decisions. I want to be the child for once in my life and allow someone else to keep me safe. That doesn't negate my responsibilities. That doesn't negate my choices. But it allows me to hand over the map I created for myself and start following the map He has made for me. I'm not one to learn lessons quickly. My stubborn pride and determination can be my biggest enemy. So it has taken me coming to a point where I no longer have any idea of what to do. I feel like the Lord has said to go to Selah House. I really thought that is what I was or am hearing. But I am taking a step back and handing that back to the Lord. 50,000 is a 50% discount. Oh my goodness. Thats alot of money. You see people think going into inpatient treatment is an easy option. Putting your life on hold is never easy. Swallowing your pride and admitting you are out of control is never easy. Having someone watch every move you make is never easy. People going through your things and telling you what to eat and what to do...not easy. Its humiliating. Its embarrassing. It is at times unbearable. But it would at least be safe. I know there I will be taken care of. I know there I can heal. So maybe I made that out to be my savior. I honestly don't know. But the only way to know for sure is to hand it back to the Lord and trust He will give it to me if its His will and in His timing. I have nothing left to do but trust the Lord. I have no other options other than to walk where HE leads...because standing still is sure death and I have no resources to carry out my own plans. My strength has failed...so I have to walk in His. Its a painful blessing to receive...you never want to hit rock bottom...but there is a hope in knowing you are no longer the one calling all the shots. I was never created to be self sufficient. So I have to keep walking. Eyes closed listening for the voice of the Lord to lead me...I take each step...believing this must be the path to freedom.