I am not one of those people who blames every chance interference in life on the enemy. I do however believe the Bible was telling the truth when it said that he roams like a prowling lion. Today has been one of those days though where I feel like he over played his hand...even people who don't know the Lord were commenting that really weird stuff has been happening to me lately. Its just so typical because today I was feeling good. I woke up and went straight to the freezer to get a spoonful of ice cream...so you know I really was feeling good. I got enough sleep and felt well rested. The feelings of depression and hopelessness had somehow faded in the night and I felt refreshed, ready to face a new day. First thing that did frustrate me a little this morning was finding that in the middle of the night when i went to the bathroom, I had unhooked from my feeding tube, and didn't hook back up. But the best part is that i still turned the machine back on...fantastic. Praise the Lord I had put the end of the tube on the bag that attaches to the tube in my nose, into the ice pouch on the side of the bag. So through out the night instead of infusing into my body it was transferring the formula from one side of the bag to the other. So instead of getting in the 3 cans (which i know, should be 6) I only got in probably 1.5. So that was the start of my day...but I was determined to make it a good day. So after hanging out with Jade for a little bit we decided to go to Costco before I had to go to work. So I go out to my car, we had to drive separately, and see my gas tank flap is open. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time this has happened in the last month or so. The other times i just assumed that when I had exited the car the night before i had popped it open by mistake...but I am about 95% sure it wasn't open last night. I park outside behind our house and my car had gotten broken into a few months back. Am I paranoid? Of course. But I am pretty sure someone had opened that flap in the middle of the night...maybe hoping I keep a spare key inside of it like Jade does. But knowing someone had been touching my car, right outside my house, just kinda freaked me out. So then I get to Costco and I park and I stayed in my car for a minute putting on some makeup...when I noticed some guys behind me in a truck had parked blocking my car. So i halfway got out of my car to see what they wanted and they told me they had noticed the damage to the back of my car and that this one guy worked for a Honda dealership during the week and said he would look at it and cut me a deal. Men freak me out, in general, so I stayed half in my car and told him I didn't have time right now, but asked if i could get his business card. He told me this was his only day off for awhile so it had to be now or never. I was a little thrown off so i said i had someone I was meeting but thanks anyway. Annoyed, they drove away. Here is the best part. There isn't any damage on the back of my car. Sketchy to anyone else? Apparently in that very awkward interaction I, in my anxiety, had thrown my keys onto my seat. So when i quickly got out to go meet my friend, I left them in the car. Awesome. Only I didn't realize this until I was running out of the store to get to work on time...and there sat my keys on the driver's seat, in plain view for the world to see. My laptop was also in my car. So I am in the sketchy parking lot where the sketchy guys had wanted to do some sketchy work on my car...and I am locked out of my car with my laptop sitting right inside next to my keys. Its just crazy. All sorts of random crap like that has been happening. So I had to have Jade take me to work and we picked up the baby i was watching and all went to my house to get my spare key then back to Costco to unlock it. To anyone the whole thing with the guys wanting to fix my car would have been weird, but for me having men approach me when i am alone is flat out scary. So between that and my gas thingy being open I am just all anxiety. So, after work tonight I decided to combat that by stopping and picking up some Pei Wei for dinner to bring home. There aren't a whole lot of things I can control as far as the people I run into or the sketchy situations that cross my path..but I can fight to get better. I know the enemy knows how powerful I am when I am fighting and battling for freedom. When I am equipped to fight and start to bear my sword, he starts to press against me. He knows that I handle fear and stress and depression by shrinking back and not eating. I starve away the anxiety and hopelessness by numbing my heart out to the world around me. But tonight I decided to not go down without a fight.
I have alot to write tonight but I think I will have to save everything else for another blog. I will end with this. My new therapist, Tiffany, has been such a blessing and such an encouragement to me in this last month. I had had a rough day a few days back and had emailed her just in total defeat. I had tried to follow my meal plan that day and had failed miserably. I was overwhelmed with the mountain in front of me and tired of feeling like all I did was sink further down instead of climb towards the top. And though her words were simple and though anyone could have said them...it helped to know that the person who knew the depth of my struggle in the day to day right now, more then anyone else, would believe that there was more. She said, "You can do this. Just take it meal by meal and not big picture. You can do this. You will get better. My clients get better. You will." Some days we just need someone who is down in the trenches with us to see us where we are (not the optimistic version of where we are that we feed those around us)...and believe in us. Its such a representation of Jesus to me. Because Jesus isn't just a helpful opinion...He is our creator. He is the beginning and the end He see me right where I am and STILL promises me that through Him all things are possible. My struggle doesn't scare Him. It breaks His heart but it doesn't penetrate His hope and sure belief that there is freedom through Him. Does He always heal every sickness or disease in our lifetime? No...but is He able? Of course. I believe the Lord has healing for me. I believe that if i seek Him I will find Him...because He has never left my side. The enemy is alive and well...but I stand in faith knowing that Jesus has overcome this world, the enemy, and the power of death. Nothing is too great for Him...my life included.
Psalm 23:4 says
"Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me."
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