desperate prayer

Lord God I keep running. I know I am hurrying from one email to the next...asking everyone for advice...everyone except you. I know this stuff with my roommate is her opinion and her issues. I know that I have sinned and I know that I have confessed that to you... but Lord for some reason it makes me frustrated with well, not you...but with misused Christianity. Its an excuse on my part...because nothing should hinder me seeking you. I know I need to look to you regardless of how crazy things get or how hurt I feel...but in this madness and confusion and pain i find it so hard Lord to seek and find you. I know you aren't hiding. I know you are waiting, desiring me to come to you. So why does it feel so empty Lord? Why does it feel like my words to you are nothing more than the right things to say? I desire you. I long for you. I know I have perhaps too much of a fixation on touching and feeling how real you are. Its like I am a sponge and I just soak up love and affection and touch and protectiveness and use it all up constantly. I keep returning to the well that wont quench my thirst...and yet i can't understand how to figuratively take you and allow you to meet the physical need. God I can't figure out what is wrong with me that I can't just understand like everyone else. I do think that's the biggest hindrance. I mean i know its trust and everything as well... but i think i feel like I have this huge physical tangible need. I need to be held and loved and cared for and protected and for my hand to be held and i feel like those needs are very real...and i want to deny that they are real. I want to believe I can meet them all myself but Lord I can't. I have everyone telling me that you are really the only one who can do those things, meet those needs, but since I cant see you or feel you or touch you i can't comprehend how to allow you to meet them in a tangible way... to the extent that you are the only thing that can meet those needs. It is like I am thirsty...really thirsty...and so i keep eating food to quench that thirst...and even though it helps, its not the water i need. But the thing is everyone is telling me the only water that will meet this thirst is this invisible water. So I keep pretending to drink this invisible water and yet i feel like we all know we are not drinking anything. Trust me, i want this invisible water to work. I really do. I just don't understand how to make the connection with this water i can't see or feel or touch and yet drink it to quench this thirst. I want to understand. I want to not thirst again. But I need help. So I keep trying to eat food even though i know its not going to make me less thirsty.. but at least i have something in my stomach. So im confused. Hurt. Broken. Lonely. Afraid. Desperate to try and make a plan of action so i don't have to feel like I am in this all alone. But its hard to not feel hopeless. I feel like I should get this by now. I should know better. And i try Lord. I try so hard to trust you. I try so hard to believe you are your word. I read your word and i go to church and i worship you and still something is missing. There is something i am not grasping... something it often times feels like I never will get. It actually reminds me of people who are just happy. The see the world and feel hope and joy. I don't know whats wrong with me that I can't grasp that. I want to believe that and feel that way deep inside my heart...but i can't figure out how.

Lord please open my eyes to you. Please help me see you as clearly as I see the reflection in the mirror. Help me to trust that you have me in the palm of your hand. God open the doors you want me to walk through and shut the doors you don't. Help me to listen to the people you have placed in my life...people who know you and love you...people who know me and love me. I want to do your will. I desire at the core of who I am to do your will. So I open my heart to you and your desires for me. I will do what you set before me and trust that you are bigger than a treatment program. You are bigger than finances. You are greater than sickness and disease. You are God and the world is in the palm of your hand. At your word creation bows before you... I can't do this in my own strength. I place my hope in you. Only you can heal me... so speak to me in a way that I can hear your...give me the chance to yield to your guidance. Set the choice clearly before me, make the path clear and help me to follow you with boldness.

Thank you Lord for a mom who is willing to do anything for me... go into debt for me. Thank you for the healing and restoration you have done in that relationship. Father God keep working your will into that relationship. Help me to let go of her into your hands so that I can be free to walk without the weight of trying to carry her. God I love her so much. Help me to love her well by also loving and taking care of myself. Bless her God. Give her joy despite all the pain she has walked through...she deserves for life to not be so hard. Shower her with your love. God I thank you for a therapist who knows you and who seeks you. Thank you for placing her in my life and allowing me to learn to trust, to be parented, to be cared for... thank you for allowing me to let someone be the adult, the parent...someone to take care of me... thank you for using her to show me what it feels like to be loved. Thank you for letting me be a part of her life. She is am amazing woman who loves you and I am so thankful for her. Continue to work through that relationship Lord.

God I need you. I need everything about you...your peace, your joy. I need your hope and your power. I need your love to be real...to be tangible. I need your forgiveness
Lord... I need you. I submit my will to yours. Work miracles in the situations I am facing. I pray for the resources for treatment...whether through scholarships or payment plans or just an understanding that treatment isn't how you are going to work... I know you aren't constrained by the limitations of our situations or finances. So I ask for your power to be made know...and let it bring you all the glory.

I thank you Lord for your grace. I thank you for never leaving me or abandoning me. I thank you for your love and that every time I fall and come back you will take me in...I worship and praise you God. You are mighty to save.