There are times when I feel like there is nothing tangible left to the memory of the day my dad died. I feel like it was a life time ago. I feel so disconnected and emotionally separated that when the loss, the grief, the searing pain hits me, I feel as though my world, yet again, has been shaken. It all comes back in a wave and washes over me so forcefully that I shrink to the ground in fear, anticipating the unexpected blow of another wave. One loss bleeds into another and like undertow I am pulled under, not knowing which direction is up. I wish I could make you understand just how much I believe I am making up the flashbacks and the trauma. I wish I could help you see how genuinely I search my mind for explanations of why I would "act out" in this sort of way. I try to find a way for it to make sense that I loose time in reality and somehow travel back to a time when life should have been simpler...and yet it was a nightmare. I try and piece together the segments of information that I do have and analyze it over and over again allowing myself to potentially set up a timeline all while agonizing over the truth of its reality. The way I see it I am screwed either way. Option one is that I am totally insane and have made up memories in my head...to the point where I am so traumatized by them that I have flashbacks of events that never actually were/are real. OR these awful things did happen and I am implicating something was done by a man that could legally give him time in prison. I am making an accusation that could forever impact the lives of his family, of my family, and the world in between the two. How do you make such a bold statement that it could have the power to destroy someone in an instant... and yet I can't help but taste the bitterness in me that recalls the impact of another person's decision made on me. However I guess that is all the more reason that I am fearful to make a statement if there is any chance that it could be wrong. I think of my longing to write a book one day to help reach other men and women who have walked this very same path and I can't breath at the thought that he would know that I know. I can't adequately explain the terror that almost takes my breath away at the very thought.
Nothing makes sense. I don't even really know that it was possible...I was so rarely left with others and how could I forget? And still I feel too normal to be crazy enough to make it all up. It seems so silly to want so desperately to be loved... and to feel so abandoned at the though of not being wanted...and to feel so hurt that God wouldn't give me the desire of my heart...to be wanted, loved, cherished...to be a wife, a mother. You would think the innocence of the desire would have to mean you are good at the core. Right? It sounds silly but I feel so deeply that at the very center of who I am I have this longing, this burning desire to just love other people. I hurt when others hurt and I cry when they are in need. I don't want anyone to feel abandoned or rejected...in fact I want to do whatever I can to protect them from it. I feel like all I desire is good...and all that comes out just isn't. I keep thinking i can think my way out of this...when all along i have needed to feel. It seems so cruel...this whole world seems so big and so lonely. How desperate I am for Jesus...because even though I can't grasp hold of how real He is to me...it doesn't change that He is as real as He has even been. It's HIS grace that carries me through each day. I guess for now I will stop trying to figure out a past that broke me apart...and start focusing on the one who can put my heart back together.
Lord God, help me to desire you above all else. Help me to grab hold of you and your promises. Help me to believe who you say I am. Help me believe that you love me and that you will never let me go. Be my truth when my mind and logic fails me. Help my heart to heal. I long for you. Hold me Jesus while I sleep. Never let me go.
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