It's the unexpected blow that cripple me. The surprise and the shock inevitably transform me into a paralyzed child, begging for feeling to return. I start speaking without thinking. I start trying to fix what just happened as if getting more and more words out will make everything that happened disappear.
The problem I find in relationships is that it takes two people to make them work. I have never exactly been the best at working in groups for school projects or in situations where there is a distribution of responsibility. I can't be in everyone's head making sure everyone is doing what needs to happen...knowing that the efficiency of their actions will contribute to a grade or a perception of me. I like to carry the load of responsibility so that I can make sure nothing takes me by surprise. If I fail, I know I am failing in the process. If I am executing the details to make sure they are perfect, I will know that nothing else, or nobody else for that matter, can take that away from me. Relationships make things messy. I like to be able to know what someone else is thinking or feeling about the status of the relationship, how we are communicating, what improvements need to be made...in order to prevent a falling out, and a heartbreak. The silly girl that I am forgot that nothing ever goes according to plan. Nothing ever turns out just like its supposed. And often times its the bumps in the road, the diversion from the known path, that turn something that could be normal in to something extravagant. However, there is always the chance that the turns and bumps could lead you to a dead end...where heartbreak is inevitable.
For the moment I consider Ben and I to be broken up...which was his decision, not mine. See that wasn't in my plan. The road I was looking down didn't include this sudden turn that is heading straight into the middle of nowhere. My plan was step by step, leading to a future that one day included marriage, children, growing old together. How do you hear the words "This is the end" from someone who promised you forever. How do you let go and be angry when all you can find is a love so deep that you can't stand to wish any more hurt or pain into their life. How do you stand in the strength of the Lord when you feel like those words are an expression, not a reality.
I am trying not to fall apart. I am trying so hard to not go back to the comfort that takes the pain away...I am trying to accept the support of friends and family and am trying with everything in me not to call him and beg for him to love me once more. I feel pathetic even uttering those words out loud. My heart is so tired of the pain...it's hard not to long for heaven.
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