life's change

As the wind blows my hair and the sun shines on my face, I sit here contemplating the lack of predictability that comes with being on this earth, being in the flesh. In an instant life can change and turn you in a direction you never imagined would be a part of your future. I have known moms who have gone to the doctor with their children expecting the diagnosis of a virus and driving home facing childhood cancer. I have known the reality of a single hour taking a life without any warning, only leaving behind the wake of grief and disbelief. My own control issues and fear stem from this very thing... never knowing what a day will hold and how drastically it will change my future. I am a classic example of how tragedy can forever scar a child, leaving them not understanding how to function in a world that often times seems cruel, cold, and harsh.

It's honestly not that i expect a life of perfection. I don't expect our days to be free of pain and loss...we live in a world where sin is the driving force of so many and truth and love are long forgotten in an attempt to satisfy the desires of the flesh... we all ache for something to fill the void that dwells so deep within us. A void that can be filled by Christ alone and yet can be temporarily met with lust, power, and money. And so it goes. Life speeds by like a hurricane never stopping to take caution to the destruction it might cause. It doesn't seem fair. It would seem as though equal distribution of pain would be the solution to overwhelming events repetitively happening to the same people. However it just doesn't work that way. Thee is no doubt that our choices effect our pain. I have most certainly made choices which went against warnings from those around me and the path led to misery. I think that's part of being human. Our past affects our future choices and our future choices often times repeat the pain of our past...all in a desperate race to break free. But there is hope... He is Jesus. Our healer. Our Savior...and one day we will be with Him. Until that day we push forward, seeking to live a life to glorify Him and share His love with others.

As a Christian I know that Christ is the solution. He alone is the healer and the one who brings change. I was in church the other day and the pastor was talking about the price that was paid on the cross. It was a perfect offering. A complete offering that took away the cost of our sin, of what we deserve, which is eternal hell, and gave us the greatest gift that could ever be given, reconciliation with God. But in that perfect gift was the assurance that God has more love than we have anger. He has more hope then we have despair. He has more healing than we have pain. He alone is the one who will judge us and we are told that if we confess with our mouth that he is Lord and believe that God raised Jesus from the grave we are saved.(Romans 10:9). The beauty and freedom in life comes from walking in a daily relationship with Him, allowing Him to lead us from glory to glory... but salvation is found in confessing and believing. It's beautiful. It's amazing. And it's that kindness that leads us to daily repentance. THAT is the truth we have to offer those who don't know the Lord. That's the truth that we can bring to a hurting world. The world doesn't need our judgment. The world doesn't need one more person to threaten their eternity with hell. The world needs Jesus to reach them...to be His hands and His feet and its in that relationship and outpouring that they are drawn to the Lord...and desire to change the sin that does bind them to hell without the redemption of Christ.

Jesus didn't live among the righteous. He didn't seek out the ones who went through all the right motions and said all the right things. He didn't come to promote Pharisees, he came to heal the broken. He came to love the unlovable and be among the worst of the worst so that they may KNOW the love that will set them free. "For God SO LOVED the world that He gave his on and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)" Who am I, a sinner redeemed by grace, to get to judge the authenticity of the heart of any other towards the Lord. I can love them. I can encourage them. I can walk beside them and explain the tools that local churches have to help them walk out of the pain they are in...the "sin" that they battle in order to fill the hurt and pain that comes with this life. Paul writes in 1 Timothy 1:15 that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -and I am the worst of them all." He didn't stand in a place of righteousness only to condemn...He remembered what he was saved from and stood as a witness that God could save a sinner like him, explaining that if Christ could save him, he could save anyone.

This week has been devastating. It has made me press into the Lord and remember that my security is in HIM alone. That when I repent of past mistakes, of sin, that he REMEMBERS THEM NO MORE. (Isaiah 43:25). Never before have I felt so judged and so condemned...and I am so thankful that I am secure in my relationship with Christ or I would want nothing to do with Christianity. In Romans 2:1-3 it talks about how we are not to judge others. My sin is not any more beautiful to the Lord than yours. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Every one of us.

It has been a very emotional week. I have been asked to leave the home I have lived in for the last 2 years because my past mistakes and current struggles are causing "spiritual warfare" to increase in the house. My other two roommates were just as surprised to learn this as I was...anniversaries, break ups, past trauma being stirred up and now this have shaken my heart and threatened to prove the degree to which I find my hope in the Lord and not in my circumstances. I am far from perfect and I'm sure I am not the easiest of all people to live with. I am in a battle for recovery from a life plagued by an eating disorder. I am processing years of un-dealt with sexual abuse. I am learning how to trust the Lord in new ways that go against all my self taught rules of attachment and self protection. I am a broken child of God searching for healing and restoration from my maker... I am a sinner saved by grace. I know I have two options...lay down and die or stand up and fight. And the fight isn't against against flesh and blood. The fight isn't done in harsh words of disagreement and accusations of holier than thou judgment...what gain is there in that? My fight is against the lies of darkness. I fight to know truth despite the confusion and despair around me. I choose to stand on what the Lord says about me in His word...not on the interpretations of people's claims of what the Lord tells them. There is no absolute truth apart from the word of God. I can seek the Lord for direction, for clarity, and for how to walk out day in day out decisions... but the responses I hear will always be swayed by personal emotions and experiences. I am human. I can't claim direct knowledge imparted from God as absolute truth unless it is written in His word. When we claim the Lord's absolute guidance for every decision we make we take out all personal responsibility which therefore opens the door to a lack of accountability.

I don't have all the answers. I am far from perfect. I have such a long journey ahead of me to get to being more and more like Christ. So I keep walking. I don't know which steps to take next. I don't know where these closed doors will lead to... I just know that one part of a journey is ending and another will soon begin. So I hold tight to those who are walking beside me, and lock eyes with the one who is leading me. I am such a long way from my true home...but just like "much-afraid" walking on her journey to the high places, I know the Shepard is never far and will always be there when I call.