Severe Storms

I need sleep. Today's weather was a perfect match for the way I feel my life is going right now. There were severe thunder storm's with tornado watches that turned into tornado warnings... which turned into rumors of a touchdown 1/2 mile from where I was eating lunch. Rain was flying sideways and the dark clouds that turned an eerie green only added fear to an already anxiety provoking situation. In my typical "California girl" fashion I begged if I could bring my little Bella inside and keep her in my purse until it all passed... her little 6 pound body and fluffy little head peeking out, thrilled to be out of a car in the middle of a storm.
I couldn't help but think about how often i see myself in the same situation Bella was in while outside the restaurant in my car. I feel trapped inside of my body, my mind, my past. The storms rage on outside of me and I panic. Bella's version of panicking is running from window to window searching for me...desperately trying to find the person she knows will save her. I on the other hand crawl down onto the floor so to speak and close my eyes, hoping if i can't see the storm then maybe, just maybe, it won't be real.
I started IOP tonight and felt like a total failure. Ben had text messaged me 30 minutes before, after an agreement initiated by him, not to talk for a few weeks. But he had something happen today that felt like a major blow to his face in the battle he is already fighting...so he texted me. Of course I responded. Of course it felt wonderful to have him reach out to me. Of course I felt relieved that he missed me more than I thought he did. He was hurting and I love him. I wanted to be the person he went to...I wanted him to love me. And then, after my encouragement, the conversation ended...and I felt worse than I had minutes before. I gave room to that much more hope that I am pretty sure will only hurt me more in the weeks to come. My love and empathy and desire for good in his life got ignited and So I responded the only way I could...I loved him, encouraged him, and turned him towards the Lord. My roommate told me that He is being the girl in the relationship right now and I am being the boy...an oddly typical pattern in the men I date. Then I go to renfrew and try to eat and my heart is just breaking and feelings are everywhere...and there are new people who don't know my past, my crazy inability to always stay in the present....and then the topic of men and sex comes up and I just about lose reality and fall into a flashback. The lightning and thunder roared outside and my ptsd had me on edge, jumping at every clash of thunder as it sounded. I left on the brink of tears...wondering how i let myself get back to this place. Wondering what is wrong with my heart that I feel things so deeply...what is wrong with my mind that I can't process things efficiently... that I can't be free. I am terrified that I am in over my head. I'm exhausted and longing for Ben to call me and tell me he was wrong...that his love for me is enough to make him want to stay with me...that I am enough. But i'm not enough. I know being enough would only be a disservice to him, because in all reality we both need the Lord to be enough before we can love each other well. But as the storms in life rage on I place my hand against the cold window of my car and long for someone, anyone, to run out and bring me into the safety of their arms, out of the storm...it's a dangerous place to be...especially when Jesus is the only true savior.

Father God I am desperate for you to be the calm in the storm. I am desperate to find the strength, your strength, to face this storm before me. I am afraid of the trauma left unprocessed. I am terrified of the emotions that boil beneath the surface of my skin...taunting me...saying if I let them out no one will want me. How could a God so big love such a mess like me? When I feel alone please remind me that you are there. Help me to seek you and your freedom even in the moments when I long for the safety of my cage. I need you like I need my next breath. Help me walk through each day, one day at a time.
amen.