broken but in His hands...

Last fall I was watching the Today show one morning at work and saw a beautiful little girl's story who was battling cancer. Her name was Heather. Her smile and love for the Lord captured my heart and I started following her website so I could know how to be praying for her. We all know how good intentions fade and though I would check the site from time to time I was sadly not waging the war I should have been on her behalf. Since then I have received the name of another little girl with her own battle of cancer...her name is Kate and she has been battling brain cancer since last June at the young age of 5.
Its horrible. Nothing about a child with cancer sits right in your heart. I have spent alot of time laying her at the feet of the Father, seeking and asking for her total healing. I don't know her personally...but my heart is so connected to her...my heart breaks for the pain she has had to walk through at such a young age. I can't even imagine how the Lord's heart must break as He holds her through every step of this battle. I read her website everyday and have wished on many occasions that I could simply embrace her hurting mother and father...her sister and brother...take them in my arms and love them in this immense pain. It takes your breath away and makes your heart break. Brain cancer Lord? She was only 5...there just aren't words. Today after reading sweet Kate's latest update I decided to check Heather's site and see what progress she was making. My heart dropped as I read over the words you never expect you will see...a few weeks ago Heather went home to be with Jesus. She was 12. There aren't words to use to express these moments in life. But if you have ever lost someone close to you that jabbing feeling in your stomach returns and you remember the moment you understood that life and death were very real. Jesus is more then a story or someone to talk to in a state of emergency. He is everything...eternity is very real as is heaven and hell. What am I doing in my life to communicate that our time here on earth is but a moment. There just seems to be so much death and tragedy lately. The earthquake in Haiti. The Olympic athlete who died during practice. Kids with cancer. The sudden death of a friend of a friend from church. Its sobering...its a reality check. Sweet Kate is still fighting...fighting each day for her very life. This world has fallen so far from the garden. I am just so thankful for the redemption we have in Jesus.

So what do I do in the midst of such sadness? How do we move forward contending for freedom when such despair looms over us? We press into the Lord. We look to Him to find hope and comfort...we look to Him when there aren't answers...when life doesn't seem fair. When the weight of this world pulls me down I want to run and look inward...but what hope do I have to offer myself apart from the Lord? If I am the thing I have to hold onto when the storms of life pull me under I would be lost at sea...I would drown in the fear of the unknown...in the sorrow and pain. Broken promises. Unjust pain. Without the Lord I have nothing. The enemy comes in and pulls on the strings of my heart telling me to question the Lord...telling me to question the character of a God would allow this to happen. But the beautiful thing is that the character of the Lord doesn't change. He doesn't have bad days that lead to bad months. He is constant. He is unchanging. He has compassion for the broken. His heart breaks for the bound. He catches our every tear (psalm 56:8). Those are the things I KNOW. I also know that this world is not what we were created for...that in this world we face trials and pain but we can take heart, because He, Jesus, has overcome the world(John 16:33). There is hope.

All the while I struggle. Struggle to gain ground in this battle with food...this battle with my body. I know that I will be able to fight more aggressively once I am well nourished and I struggle to hook up to the feeding tube which will provide the nourishment. I struggle with feeling misunderstood and simultaneously feel like that is such an excuse for everything i do. I want freedom yet I am so afraid of the life i started running from so long ago. I want accountability yet I don't want anyone to push me to do anything I don't feel like doing. I am war with myself and keep hoping my desires for being free will over power the chains of this disorder. But its stronger then I give it credit for...it wants me to fight this in isolation. The enemy knows there is power in darkness...and that there is much greater power in the light. It seems these last few weeks there have been so many lives lost...people who would have given anything to have one more day...and that spurs me forward. Because for the lives the enemy or sickness or tragedy or this world have taken other must rise up and live...we must fight for those who are hurting and broken. We must be a voice of hope to the helpless...we must be the truth this fallen world will perish without. I can't sit and stay silent. I must fight while I still have life left to live...




If you want to be praying for Kate McRae here is the link to the website her mom keeps updated! Your prayers make a difference.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate