stand back up

Its been a rough week. I worked for 4 days straight taking care of two kids while being snowed in. Isolation from other adults quickly turned my thoughts inward and the world began to blur into a haze of colors and shapes. Situation after situation, conversation after conversation, things started to pile up. I felt overwhelmed with emotions i didn't know how to handle. I felt attacked and felt like i was becoming the thing i feared most. I was feeling...and I gave in. It seems so tempting in the moment. The eating disorder calls so sweetly reminding me of the instant gratification. His voice promises to never leave me and that he will give me the gift of self sufficiency...no one can abandon what you don't entrust them with. So I took that small step forward...then another. The first few steps seem so innocent. I will just skip lunch, but i will make up for it with an extra snack. I will have ice cream tonight instead of a boost...and then before you know it you have stepped onto quick sand and its too late to just step out...you are being pulled under. The next tactic of the enemy and the eat disorder is to guilt you into staying silent and fixing it yourself. "You are weak and pathetic, everyone know you would fail." "Same as usual, needing people and then failing the minute they aren't there to hold you up." "You are so needy. Strength comes from being able to fight your own battles alone." And the lies keep you stuck. I have been humbled beyond belief today by the range of support and love I have in my life right now. There are people who don't understand...and those people want to protect me from the judgments of man...which I understand to a degree is their way of loving me. But the majority of people in my life have no reason to love me the way they do...or support me the way that they do...or believe in me the way that they do. But they do it anyway. I fall on my face and start throwing punches as i stand back up...on the defense from myself...and yet swing at all the people who love me the most. But they stand. The Lord, my God, stands firm. Just as the Israelites doubted God around every corner He still stood strong in His love for them and continued to prove Himself faithful. He never changed. His plan for them never changed. They just had such a limited vantage point and could only see as far as their next crisis...so their faith was constantly shaking depending on their circumstances. But the Lord never changed. The Lord knew that He had given them the promised land. But the journey required full dependence on the Lord. They couldn't keep extra food for the next day. They had to believe the Lord for it. They couldn't predict how long the journey was going to last. They had to depend on God. And it was in the moments that they lost sight of the Lord and focused on the giant in front of them that they fell into doubt and despair. But God never moved. He never took of because of their faithlessness. He never peaced out and told them to work it out on their own. He loved them. He loved them and was faithful to His promises. He didn't HAVE to, that's just who He is. So I am only seeing the pain in front of me. I am seeing the emotions I have to face. The pride of self sufficiency and perfection being shattered...and I want to run from the Lord and tell Him how He has abandoned me...but its just not true. He is still there. he hasn't moved. He never has. Sometimes I think that's the most challenging past. I want Him to have left and during those times the bad things happen. I don't understand the idea of a good God sitting and watching the pain of His children...but until I can trust that He sees the whole picture and I see the tiny trial in front of me then I will never move forward. So I fell down. Hard. My pride is bruised. I'm disappointed in myself. But my option is to make my bed in the pain or to stand back up and fight. So I stand back up. Its a choice. A day, an hour, a meal, a minute at a time...I stand back up. I love the verse I was reading in exodus yesterday. It was Moses talking to the Israelites. They had just been set free from Pharaoh's slavery and they were being chased. They came to the red sea and turned to Moses and asked why the Lord has brought them there just to die. Why would the Lord set us free just to have us be killed? And this is what Moses said:
Exodus 14:13-14
"Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

We have to stand back up and stand on the promises of the Lord. He isn't going anywhere. We fix our eyes on Him alone.