falling...

It doesn't take long to fall...sure the process leading up to the fall might take some time to build, but the fall itself is relatively fast. You convince yourself that your feet aren't slipping. I convince myself the edge is far further out and I have miles to spare before i get too close. I could stop myself, right? People know when they are falling and they just choose to allow the steps to cycle through, right? Its not until the moment that i feel the air underneath my feet and get the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know I have gone too far. Its a free fall. In that moment I am willing to do anything to stop myself from falling. In that moment I am sorry for all the meals I missed and the weight I have lost. I long to take it back and I plead with reality to give my just one moment to go back in time and fix my careless decisions. But the sand keeps falling through the hour glass and the only way out is to move forward...standing still has never helped me move back into my past and fix things for my future. I am exhausted, afraid, and wondering if this battle will ever end. I was driving in my car today after work to meet with a mentor and my mind was racing. Frustration with my lack of boundaries. Exhaustion from my lack of food. Depression from my lack of forward movement. For a moment I sat in the free fall of the bridge I had once again jumped off of and realized flying upward or stopping mid fall wasn't going to happen...for a moment I had perfect perspective of the weeks leading up to this moment...and my heart felt like it was shattered in a million pieces. There was no emotion, no tears...just an exponentially grieved state of seeing first hand the reality my friends had been seeing for weeks...have been seeing for most of my life. The enemy isn't all that creative. He uses the same lies he has been using for thousands of years. Sure they may be twisted towards your particular struggles...but its the same lies manifested in different temptations. We want to be self sufficient and in control. We want to meet our own needs in our own ways and do what feels good to our deceitfully convincing flesh. The enemy loves to bring us closer and closer to the edge only to watching us fall head first to the ground rendering us ineffective and silent in the advancement of the kingdom of God.

So here is the tricky part. I'm laying broken on the ground, having taken a great fall. My pride and my confidence have been shaken. Fear has come in and blinded my eyes to a new reality. I'm tired and hurt and all I want to do is to make a bed and stay down. I want to relish in the "perks" of my weight being low which means nothing except to try and get lower. Its a trap. My dietitian is telling me that my body is starting to eat at my muscles instead of my fat because my weight is dropping faster...which means my organs and tissue are being used as fuel instead of being used to keep my body alive. Its not a game anymore. The kids I so long to have one day might lose their mother early in their lives because I have destroyed the body I was given. As someone who lost a parent as a child you would think I would be more careful because I know first hand how that destroys your childhood. I have gone too far...oh Lord how I need you to help me stand back up.

Maybe the hardest part of the fall is seeing just how weak I am in my own strength. Every time I fall its because I have taken my eyes off the Lord and fixed my eyes on numbing out my pain...on finding a shorter less need based way. I am Peter stepping out of the boat and I take my eyes off the one who is walking on water and I start to sink. We were not made to be self dependent. We were not made to solve the problems of the world without the perspective of the one who created the blue prints. There is only one true and lasting way out of the pain I am in...and its through an intimate relationship with my creator...but its going to reuire alot of trust and alot less self navigation.

Lord, I have nothing left to offer. I have nothing left to use to fight. Lord but you do. Forgive me Lord because I have walked away from you so that I could control and direct my own life and I have fallen back to my knees...and am reminded once more of my desperate need for a Savior. Help me Lord to hold on to you with everything I am...and to never let go. I pray Lord that the lies of the enemy would be silenced and that YOUR truth would flood my life. You alone are my hope. You alone can restore to me the life you created in me before I ever took my first breath. Carry me Jesus in your arms and strengthen my feet to follow you and train my ears to know your voice. I long for your freedom. I long for the day when I can run free of the chains of this world...I long for rest in you.


Cry Out To Jesus
by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight"