red sky

I keep staring at this blank screen thinking something positive will come into my mind...knowing I must have some encouraging words to spur one on towards freedom. I guess part of the reason I started writing this blog was so that when I was struggling I could speak out the truth...knowing that I could give insight to another person more then I can give insight to myself. Sigh... I'm confused and I have no one blame but myself. The truth? The gut level honest truth? I want something that I can't have. It's not like seeing a purse in a window and you want it but its 300 dollars so you can't have it...its more then that. I want love. I want it so deeply and so urgently that it steals my breath away from me. Its not love that can be absorbed through positive self sufficiency...its this feeling of a hunger, a thirst that can't be met. Its this little girl that lives inside of my mind who grips onto her stuffed animal while she longs to grip onto the stability of safety and cries at night longing to be rescued. Years and year and years passed living in a state of constant anxiety...feeling like the world around me was going to break and collapse with one misstep. The weight of responsibility rested on my shoulders and i believed I was in control. Because if i wasn't, if there was no rhyme or reason that bad things happened...if life was as truly unpredictable as it seemed...then the fear and instability of standing on the edge of devastation at all times was too much. Insanity...it was like constant torture. So the only way out was to make everything rest on my actions and my self control. The illusion of control is at times even better then if there really was control to be had. I didn't care if everyone thought me not eating would keep my world from falling apart. As long as i could convince my mind of that to relieve some of the constant pressure and fear then the goal and the need was being met. So life becomes about small predictable actions so that all reactions would be known before anything ever happened. Surprises are only fun if you know about them long before they take place.
So I only allow myself to really want something if i can have it...it goes along with the whole predictability thing. So here is the problem. There are all these people in my life who are offering me support. They love me and they want to help me... and that's been challenging...because you feel like a little kid in a candy store and your desire to eat everything in sight takes over your ability to reason and your ability to know that isn't a great idea. You don't care that it will make you sick. You don't care that its impossible to eat it all at one time. Your uncontrolled desire for it takes over. I do everything in such a thought out and premeditated way that to feel that desire is to feel totally out of control. All I want right now is to be loved and protected and held...and wanting those from other people is what makes it so bad...especially when i get an hour with this person and an hour with that person...what would someone think of you if you were to tell them you wanted to talk to them everyday just so you wouldn't feel so alone in this crazy world. And don't get me wrong. I have people I talk to everyday. I have lots of people I talk to everyday...but its those people who see beyond the surface and behind your eyes...those people who have that motherly gentle love to them and it sets that very controlled very poised little girl off into a candy store. I am an adult...I can't have uncontrolled desires for such silly things anymore...but I do and its throwing everything off balanced. And all the lies and truth blend together and make this cloudy gray and the sky is no longer the red I have convinced myself it has always been. They say its blue...and it makes you would if you even know how to label a color correctly. What if you learned to call the color blue red? What if your whole life someone told you that everything blue was red...then one day you walk out into the world and comment on the beautiful red sky only to your total surprise everyone looks at you with tilted heads and simply state, blue. The sky is blue. The thing is that the sky is blue...and sooner or later you will have to learn that red is a tomato or a crab in the ocean. The sky isn't any more red just because you have always called it that. I know its time to relearn life. I know its time to feel like my world has been thrown off tilt and that everything is in fact very unpredictable...and its learning how to live life in that reality instead of creating a new one. I can't love myself into the love I need from other people...just like i can't teach myself the things I haven taught correctly. So I'm learning. I don't want to go get a feeding tube put back in or to eat a normal amount of food because its there that colors start to change...but it isn't until the colors start to change that I can see life with true perspective. So i write out truth...that needing others is how i was created...and that needing the Lord is how to meet that overwhelming feeling of being a kid in a candy store. Because he is the only one with the unlimited resources to give.
Lord God teach me how to not run away. Teach me how to take risks with letting other people into my life. Teach me Lord above all else how to allow you to be real and tangible in my life. Lord I am ashamed of this uncontrolled desire for love and for protection but I know you created me to need those thing...i just ask you for balance. You are the one who made the sky. You are the one who created the depths of the sea. You created me and know my needs far better then I know them myself. Walk with me...lead me. I give myself to you.