When you live your life within the tracks of an eating disorder you don't leave much room for spontaneity. You trade free falls for predictability, leaving no room for error...leaving no room for the joy that comes from life outside the lines. Perfection doesn't go hand in hand with living on the edge...but neither does fullness. This weekend I got a little crazy...but for once it was crazy in a good way. After a short excursion with some friends for a day trip to get our hair cut we made a rash decision to drive all night to see a friend for a few hours...only to drive back through the following night to get back in time for real life at 8am Monday morning. Out of the 35 hour trip, about 21 were spent driving. Despite the exhaustion and painful responsibilities that hit me like bricks come Monday, for the first time in a long time I felt alive. My quote of the weekend was "don't think, just drive." We then brought back to life an old theme a friend had from college...which was, in response to any decision, "why wouldn't we?" It was one of the first times in my 20 something years that I have felt like I was living out life in the 20's. Friendship. Laughter. Good food. Exhaustion. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. So yesterday as I was running on pure momentum with 4 hours of sleep in the previous 72 hours...after working a 10 hour shift... I couldn't help but giggle as I drove home to my beautiful warm bed. I always think that the rules and predictability of life without emotions will break forth into a future of security and stability. I live without change and without heart so that I will have the guarantees of not being broken and abandoned. But I was wrong. What would I give to go back and do life differently? What would I give to have someone tell me that being thin and being beautiful wouldn't bring fulfilment. What would I give to have someone tell me that I was worth setting boundaries and saying no. What would I give to go back and choose to LIVE my life. But would I? Yes and No. I think the choices I have made and the situations I have faced have made me who I am today. I think my testimony and this journey is going to have a way of relating to certain girls that others might lack experiantial relatability and therefore speak to women who would otherwise feel isolated and alone. Which of course won't be me...but will be the Lord loving these hurting women enough to see their pain and speak to it in a tangible way. But if given the chance to make a different choice, I would. This weekend was a gift that came in a seemingly insignificant package...alot of time in a car spent driving dark highways at ungodly times of night. But the Lord reignited a fire in me that reminded me that I was created for more. I was made to live beyond the padded walls of predictability. My heart is one that screams freedom and dares to run the race that seems at times not worth the time spent...but that finds reward in the beauty of love and the courage of deep friendship. Its the times in life where we risk the most that we also risk being swallowed alive by the beauty of a God who sees beyond the needs of our eyes. He loves us enough to meet needs in us all in ways we would never expect but ways we find are beautifully perfect. As I was driving this weekend I sat thinking about a perfect God who is all powerful, all knowing, all loving. I thought about how many times I have run from Him or unintentionally spit in His face by telling Him what He created wasn't good enough...was a mistake. I thought about my lack of faith and my lack of pursuit of such a holy yet gentle Father and I was amazed that my lack never discourages His provision. My poor choices or reckless determination to be self sufficient never make Him love me any less or make Him turn away from me. He continues to stand firm as the Father of the prodigal son...never forcing me to love Him but always hoping for my return. At times He must let us go find the consequences of a life we think is best in order for us to see that there is a need only He can meet.
So as I catch up on sleep and get back to a busy schedule I am trying to see that living life is what stirs us to keep moving forward...it inspires me to reach beyond myself and to spread life to others. I'm struggling. I would lie if I was saying this was easy. But as I lay here in bed, hooked up to my awful feeding tube, I can't help but feel encouraged...because deep down inside I was reminded this weekend that living life is worth every risk that comes with it. I ate more then I am comfortable eating. I was around people far more then I think its safe to be. But I experienced a level of freedom that is deeper then I have felt in a really long time. The quote by Marianne Williamson about our deepest fear is so completely true. Its when we feel the winds of life blowing in our faces, as we ride bareback through a life filled with unknowns, that we see that when we only focus on ourselves and what we might lose, we have allowed the enemy to stop us from changing the world. It doesn't happen over night. We can't just wake up changed. It happens as we face the things in life which keep us bound. It happens when we look our past in the eye to see it doesn't have power over who we are or what we can become...and see he redemption the Lord wants to bring. Getting free happens right now as I go to my therapy sessions, medical appointments, or eating a meal ata time. You see when we submit our lives to the Lord and become clay in the hands of the master builder we become unstoppable. My greatest fear in the end actually isn't that I am inadequate...its that I really am powerful beyond my greatest imagination...that my choices do affect other people. That my bondage could potentially play a factor in inhibiting someone else's freedom. There is a tough road ahead, thats for sure. But if I roll up my sleeves and fight, depending on the Lord for everything, the life it will produce for me and hopefully for others will be more then worth it.
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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