The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy...

I am not one of those people who blames every chance interference in life on the enemy. I do however believe the Bible was telling the truth when it said that he roams like a prowling lion. Today has been one of those days though where I feel like he over played his hand...even people who don't know the Lord were commenting that really weird stuff has been happening to me lately. Its just so typical because today I was feeling good. I woke up and went straight to the freezer to get a spoonful of ice cream...so you know I really was feeling good. I got enough sleep and felt well rested. The feelings of depression and hopelessness had somehow faded in the night and I felt refreshed, ready to face a new day. First thing that did frustrate me a little this morning was finding that in the middle of the night when i went to the bathroom, I had unhooked from my feeding tube, and didn't hook back up. But the best part is that i still turned the machine back on...fantastic. Praise the Lord I had put the end of the tube on the bag that attaches to the tube in my nose, into the ice pouch on the side of the bag. So through out the night instead of infusing into my body it was transferring the formula from one side of the bag to the other. So instead of getting in the 3 cans (which i know, should be 6) I only got in probably 1.5. So that was the start of my day...but I was determined to make it a good day. So after hanging out with Jade for a little bit we decided to go to Costco before I had to go to work. So I go out to my car, we had to drive separately, and see my gas tank flap is open. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time this has happened in the last month or so. The other times i just assumed that when I had exited the car the night before i had popped it open by mistake...but I am about 95% sure it wasn't open last night. I park outside behind our house and my car had gotten broken into a few months back. Am I paranoid? Of course. But I am pretty sure someone had opened that flap in the middle of the night...maybe hoping I keep a spare key inside of it like Jade does. But knowing someone had been touching my car, right outside my house, just kinda freaked me out. So then I get to Costco and I park and I stayed in my car for a minute putting on some makeup...when I noticed some guys behind me in a truck had parked blocking my car. So i halfway got out of my car to see what they wanted and they told me they had noticed the damage to the back of my car and that this one guy worked for a Honda dealership during the week and said he would look at it and cut me a deal. Men freak me out, in general, so I stayed half in my car and told him I didn't have time right now, but asked if i could get his business card. He told me this was his only day off for awhile so it had to be now or never. I was a little thrown off so i said i had someone I was meeting but thanks anyway. Annoyed, they drove away. Here is the best part. There isn't any damage on the back of my car. Sketchy to anyone else? Apparently in that very awkward interaction I, in my anxiety, had thrown my keys onto my seat. So when i quickly got out to go meet my friend, I left them in the car. Awesome. Only I didn't realize this until I was running out of the store to get to work on time...and there sat my keys on the driver's seat, in plain view for the world to see. My laptop was also in my car. So I am in the sketchy parking lot where the sketchy guys had wanted to do some sketchy work on my car...and I am locked out of my car with my laptop sitting right inside next to my keys. Its just crazy. All sorts of random crap like that has been happening. So I had to have Jade take me to work and we picked up the baby i was watching and all went to my house to get my spare key then back to Costco to unlock it. To anyone the whole thing with the guys wanting to fix my car would have been weird, but for me having men approach me when i am alone is flat out scary. So between that and my gas thingy being open I am just all anxiety. So, after work tonight I decided to combat that by stopping and picking up some Pei Wei for dinner to bring home. There aren't a whole lot of things I can control as far as the people I run into or the sketchy situations that cross my path..but I can fight to get better. I know the enemy knows how powerful I am when I am fighting and battling for freedom. When I am equipped to fight and start to bear my sword, he starts to press against me. He knows that I handle fear and stress and depression by shrinking back and not eating. I starve away the anxiety and hopelessness by numbing my heart out to the world around me. But tonight I decided to not go down without a fight.

I have alot to write tonight but I think I will have to save everything else for another blog. I will end with this. My new therapist, Tiffany, has been such a blessing and such an encouragement to me in this last month. I had had a rough day a few days back and had emailed her just in total defeat. I had tried to follow my meal plan that day and had failed miserably. I was overwhelmed with the mountain in front of me and tired of feeling like all I did was sink further down instead of climb towards the top. And though her words were simple and though anyone could have said them...it helped to know that the person who knew the depth of my struggle in the day to day right now, more then anyone else, would believe that there was more. She said, "You can do this. Just take it meal by meal and not big picture. You can do this. You will get better. My clients get better. You will." Some days we just need someone who is down in the trenches with us to see us where we are (not the optimistic version of where we are that we feed those around us)...and believe in us. Its such a representation of Jesus to me. Because Jesus isn't just a helpful opinion...He is our creator. He is the beginning and the end He see me right where I am and STILL promises me that through Him all things are possible. My struggle doesn't scare Him. It breaks His heart but it doesn't penetrate His hope and sure belief that there is freedom through Him. Does He always heal every sickness or disease in our lifetime? No...but is He able? Of course. I believe the Lord has healing for me. I believe that if i seek Him I will find Him...because He has never left my side. The enemy is alive and well...but I stand in faith knowing that Jesus has overcome this world, the enemy, and the power of death. Nothing is too great for Him...my life included.

Psalm 23:4 says
"Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me."

driving all night

When you live your life within the tracks of an eating disorder you don't leave much room for spontaneity. You trade free falls for predictability, leaving no room for error...leaving no room for the joy that comes from life outside the lines. Perfection doesn't go hand in hand with living on the edge...but neither does fullness. This weekend I got a little crazy...but for once it was crazy in a good way. After a short excursion with some friends for a day trip to get our hair cut we made a rash decision to drive all night to see a friend for a few hours...only to drive back through the following night to get back in time for real life at 8am Monday morning. Out of the 35 hour trip, about 21 were spent driving. Despite the exhaustion and painful responsibilities that hit me like bricks come Monday, for the first time in a long time I felt alive. My quote of the weekend was "don't think, just drive." We then brought back to life an old theme a friend had from college...which was, in response to any decision, "why wouldn't we?" It was one of the first times in my 20 something years that I have felt like I was living out life in the 20's. Friendship. Laughter. Good food. Exhaustion. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. So yesterday as I was running on pure momentum with 4 hours of sleep in the previous 72 hours...after working a 10 hour shift... I couldn't help but giggle as I drove home to my beautiful warm bed. I always think that the rules and predictability of life without emotions will break forth into a future of security and stability. I live without change and without heart so that I will have the guarantees of not being broken and abandoned. But I was wrong. What would I give to go back and do life differently? What would I give to have someone tell me that being thin and being beautiful wouldn't bring fulfilment. What would I give to have someone tell me that I was worth setting boundaries and saying no. What would I give to go back and choose to LIVE my life. But would I? Yes and No. I think the choices I have made and the situations I have faced have made me who I am today. I think my testimony and this journey is going to have a way of relating to certain girls that others might lack experiantial relatability and therefore speak to women who would otherwise feel isolated and alone. Which of course won't be me...but will be the Lord loving these hurting women enough to see their pain and speak to it in a tangible way. But if given the chance to make a different choice, I would. This weekend was a gift that came in a seemingly insignificant package...alot of time in a car spent driving dark highways at ungodly times of night. But the Lord reignited a fire in me that reminded me that I was created for more. I was made to live beyond the padded walls of predictability. My heart is one that screams freedom and dares to run the race that seems at times not worth the time spent...but that finds reward in the beauty of love and the courage of deep friendship. Its the times in life where we risk the most that we also risk being swallowed alive by the beauty of a God who sees beyond the needs of our eyes. He loves us enough to meet needs in us all in ways we would never expect but ways we find are beautifully perfect. As I was driving this weekend I sat thinking about a perfect God who is all powerful, all knowing, all loving. I thought about how many times I have run from Him or unintentionally spit in His face by telling Him what He created wasn't good enough...was a mistake. I thought about my lack of faith and my lack of pursuit of such a holy yet gentle Father and I was amazed that my lack never discourages His provision. My poor choices or reckless determination to be self sufficient never make Him love me any less or make Him turn away from me. He continues to stand firm as the Father of the prodigal son...never forcing me to love Him but always hoping for my return. At times He must let us go find the consequences of a life we think is best in order for us to see that there is a need only He can meet.

So as I catch up on sleep and get back to a busy schedule I am trying to see that living life is what stirs us to keep moving forward...it inspires me to reach beyond myself and to spread life to others. I'm struggling. I would lie if I was saying this was easy. But as I lay here in bed, hooked up to my awful feeding tube, I can't help but feel encouraged...because deep down inside I was reminded this weekend that living life is worth every risk that comes with it. I ate more then I am comfortable eating. I was around people far more then I think its safe to be. But I experienced a level of freedom that is deeper then I have felt in a really long time. The quote by Marianne Williamson about our deepest fear is so completely true. Its when we feel the winds of life blowing in our faces, as we ride bareback through a life filled with unknowns, that we see that when we only focus on ourselves and what we might lose, we have allowed the enemy to stop us from changing the world. It doesn't happen over night. We can't just wake up changed. It happens as we face the things in life which keep us bound. It happens when we look our past in the eye to see it doesn't have power over who we are or what we can become...and see he redemption the Lord wants to bring. Getting free happens right now as I go to my therapy sessions, medical appointments, or eating a meal ata time. You see when we submit our lives to the Lord and become clay in the hands of the master builder we become unstoppable. My greatest fear in the end actually isn't that I am inadequate...its that I really am powerful beyond my greatest imagination...that my choices do affect other people. That my bondage could potentially play a factor in inhibiting someone else's freedom. There is a tough road ahead, thats for sure. But if I roll up my sleeves and fight, depending on the Lord for everything, the life it will produce for me and hopefully for others will be more then worth it.




Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

broken but in His hands...

Last fall I was watching the Today show one morning at work and saw a beautiful little girl's story who was battling cancer. Her name was Heather. Her smile and love for the Lord captured my heart and I started following her website so I could know how to be praying for her. We all know how good intentions fade and though I would check the site from time to time I was sadly not waging the war I should have been on her behalf. Since then I have received the name of another little girl with her own battle of cancer...her name is Kate and she has been battling brain cancer since last June at the young age of 5.
Its horrible. Nothing about a child with cancer sits right in your heart. I have spent alot of time laying her at the feet of the Father, seeking and asking for her total healing. I don't know her personally...but my heart is so connected to her...my heart breaks for the pain she has had to walk through at such a young age. I can't even imagine how the Lord's heart must break as He holds her through every step of this battle. I read her website everyday and have wished on many occasions that I could simply embrace her hurting mother and father...her sister and brother...take them in my arms and love them in this immense pain. It takes your breath away and makes your heart break. Brain cancer Lord? She was only 5...there just aren't words. Today after reading sweet Kate's latest update I decided to check Heather's site and see what progress she was making. My heart dropped as I read over the words you never expect you will see...a few weeks ago Heather went home to be with Jesus. She was 12. There aren't words to use to express these moments in life. But if you have ever lost someone close to you that jabbing feeling in your stomach returns and you remember the moment you understood that life and death were very real. Jesus is more then a story or someone to talk to in a state of emergency. He is everything...eternity is very real as is heaven and hell. What am I doing in my life to communicate that our time here on earth is but a moment. There just seems to be so much death and tragedy lately. The earthquake in Haiti. The Olympic athlete who died during practice. Kids with cancer. The sudden death of a friend of a friend from church. Its sobering...its a reality check. Sweet Kate is still fighting...fighting each day for her very life. This world has fallen so far from the garden. I am just so thankful for the redemption we have in Jesus.

So what do I do in the midst of such sadness? How do we move forward contending for freedom when such despair looms over us? We press into the Lord. We look to Him to find hope and comfort...we look to Him when there aren't answers...when life doesn't seem fair. When the weight of this world pulls me down I want to run and look inward...but what hope do I have to offer myself apart from the Lord? If I am the thing I have to hold onto when the storms of life pull me under I would be lost at sea...I would drown in the fear of the unknown...in the sorrow and pain. Broken promises. Unjust pain. Without the Lord I have nothing. The enemy comes in and pulls on the strings of my heart telling me to question the Lord...telling me to question the character of a God would allow this to happen. But the beautiful thing is that the character of the Lord doesn't change. He doesn't have bad days that lead to bad months. He is constant. He is unchanging. He has compassion for the broken. His heart breaks for the bound. He catches our every tear (psalm 56:8). Those are the things I KNOW. I also know that this world is not what we were created for...that in this world we face trials and pain but we can take heart, because He, Jesus, has overcome the world(John 16:33). There is hope.

All the while I struggle. Struggle to gain ground in this battle with food...this battle with my body. I know that I will be able to fight more aggressively once I am well nourished and I struggle to hook up to the feeding tube which will provide the nourishment. I struggle with feeling misunderstood and simultaneously feel like that is such an excuse for everything i do. I want freedom yet I am so afraid of the life i started running from so long ago. I want accountability yet I don't want anyone to push me to do anything I don't feel like doing. I am war with myself and keep hoping my desires for being free will over power the chains of this disorder. But its stronger then I give it credit for...it wants me to fight this in isolation. The enemy knows there is power in darkness...and that there is much greater power in the light. It seems these last few weeks there have been so many lives lost...people who would have given anything to have one more day...and that spurs me forward. Because for the lives the enemy or sickness or tragedy or this world have taken other must rise up and live...we must fight for those who are hurting and broken. We must be a voice of hope to the helpless...we must be the truth this fallen world will perish without. I can't sit and stay silent. I must fight while I still have life left to live...




If you want to be praying for Kate McRae here is the link to the website her mom keeps updated! Your prayers make a difference.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

falling...

It doesn't take long to fall...sure the process leading up to the fall might take some time to build, but the fall itself is relatively fast. You convince yourself that your feet aren't slipping. I convince myself the edge is far further out and I have miles to spare before i get too close. I could stop myself, right? People know when they are falling and they just choose to allow the steps to cycle through, right? Its not until the moment that i feel the air underneath my feet and get the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know I have gone too far. Its a free fall. In that moment I am willing to do anything to stop myself from falling. In that moment I am sorry for all the meals I missed and the weight I have lost. I long to take it back and I plead with reality to give my just one moment to go back in time and fix my careless decisions. But the sand keeps falling through the hour glass and the only way out is to move forward...standing still has never helped me move back into my past and fix things for my future. I am exhausted, afraid, and wondering if this battle will ever end. I was driving in my car today after work to meet with a mentor and my mind was racing. Frustration with my lack of boundaries. Exhaustion from my lack of food. Depression from my lack of forward movement. For a moment I sat in the free fall of the bridge I had once again jumped off of and realized flying upward or stopping mid fall wasn't going to happen...for a moment I had perfect perspective of the weeks leading up to this moment...and my heart felt like it was shattered in a million pieces. There was no emotion, no tears...just an exponentially grieved state of seeing first hand the reality my friends had been seeing for weeks...have been seeing for most of my life. The enemy isn't all that creative. He uses the same lies he has been using for thousands of years. Sure they may be twisted towards your particular struggles...but its the same lies manifested in different temptations. We want to be self sufficient and in control. We want to meet our own needs in our own ways and do what feels good to our deceitfully convincing flesh. The enemy loves to bring us closer and closer to the edge only to watching us fall head first to the ground rendering us ineffective and silent in the advancement of the kingdom of God.

So here is the tricky part. I'm laying broken on the ground, having taken a great fall. My pride and my confidence have been shaken. Fear has come in and blinded my eyes to a new reality. I'm tired and hurt and all I want to do is to make a bed and stay down. I want to relish in the "perks" of my weight being low which means nothing except to try and get lower. Its a trap. My dietitian is telling me that my body is starting to eat at my muscles instead of my fat because my weight is dropping faster...which means my organs and tissue are being used as fuel instead of being used to keep my body alive. Its not a game anymore. The kids I so long to have one day might lose their mother early in their lives because I have destroyed the body I was given. As someone who lost a parent as a child you would think I would be more careful because I know first hand how that destroys your childhood. I have gone too far...oh Lord how I need you to help me stand back up.

Maybe the hardest part of the fall is seeing just how weak I am in my own strength. Every time I fall its because I have taken my eyes off the Lord and fixed my eyes on numbing out my pain...on finding a shorter less need based way. I am Peter stepping out of the boat and I take my eyes off the one who is walking on water and I start to sink. We were not made to be self dependent. We were not made to solve the problems of the world without the perspective of the one who created the blue prints. There is only one true and lasting way out of the pain I am in...and its through an intimate relationship with my creator...but its going to reuire alot of trust and alot less self navigation.

Lord, I have nothing left to offer. I have nothing left to use to fight. Lord but you do. Forgive me Lord because I have walked away from you so that I could control and direct my own life and I have fallen back to my knees...and am reminded once more of my desperate need for a Savior. Help me Lord to hold on to you with everything I am...and to never let go. I pray Lord that the lies of the enemy would be silenced and that YOUR truth would flood my life. You alone are my hope. You alone can restore to me the life you created in me before I ever took my first breath. Carry me Jesus in your arms and strengthen my feet to follow you and train my ears to know your voice. I long for your freedom. I long for the day when I can run free of the chains of this world...I long for rest in you.


Cry Out To Jesus
by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight"

red sky

I keep staring at this blank screen thinking something positive will come into my mind...knowing I must have some encouraging words to spur one on towards freedom. I guess part of the reason I started writing this blog was so that when I was struggling I could speak out the truth...knowing that I could give insight to another person more then I can give insight to myself. Sigh... I'm confused and I have no one blame but myself. The truth? The gut level honest truth? I want something that I can't have. It's not like seeing a purse in a window and you want it but its 300 dollars so you can't have it...its more then that. I want love. I want it so deeply and so urgently that it steals my breath away from me. Its not love that can be absorbed through positive self sufficiency...its this feeling of a hunger, a thirst that can't be met. Its this little girl that lives inside of my mind who grips onto her stuffed animal while she longs to grip onto the stability of safety and cries at night longing to be rescued. Years and year and years passed living in a state of constant anxiety...feeling like the world around me was going to break and collapse with one misstep. The weight of responsibility rested on my shoulders and i believed I was in control. Because if i wasn't, if there was no rhyme or reason that bad things happened...if life was as truly unpredictable as it seemed...then the fear and instability of standing on the edge of devastation at all times was too much. Insanity...it was like constant torture. So the only way out was to make everything rest on my actions and my self control. The illusion of control is at times even better then if there really was control to be had. I didn't care if everyone thought me not eating would keep my world from falling apart. As long as i could convince my mind of that to relieve some of the constant pressure and fear then the goal and the need was being met. So life becomes about small predictable actions so that all reactions would be known before anything ever happened. Surprises are only fun if you know about them long before they take place.
So I only allow myself to really want something if i can have it...it goes along with the whole predictability thing. So here is the problem. There are all these people in my life who are offering me support. They love me and they want to help me... and that's been challenging...because you feel like a little kid in a candy store and your desire to eat everything in sight takes over your ability to reason and your ability to know that isn't a great idea. You don't care that it will make you sick. You don't care that its impossible to eat it all at one time. Your uncontrolled desire for it takes over. I do everything in such a thought out and premeditated way that to feel that desire is to feel totally out of control. All I want right now is to be loved and protected and held...and wanting those from other people is what makes it so bad...especially when i get an hour with this person and an hour with that person...what would someone think of you if you were to tell them you wanted to talk to them everyday just so you wouldn't feel so alone in this crazy world. And don't get me wrong. I have people I talk to everyday. I have lots of people I talk to everyday...but its those people who see beyond the surface and behind your eyes...those people who have that motherly gentle love to them and it sets that very controlled very poised little girl off into a candy store. I am an adult...I can't have uncontrolled desires for such silly things anymore...but I do and its throwing everything off balanced. And all the lies and truth blend together and make this cloudy gray and the sky is no longer the red I have convinced myself it has always been. They say its blue...and it makes you would if you even know how to label a color correctly. What if you learned to call the color blue red? What if your whole life someone told you that everything blue was red...then one day you walk out into the world and comment on the beautiful red sky only to your total surprise everyone looks at you with tilted heads and simply state, blue. The sky is blue. The thing is that the sky is blue...and sooner or later you will have to learn that red is a tomato or a crab in the ocean. The sky isn't any more red just because you have always called it that. I know its time to relearn life. I know its time to feel like my world has been thrown off tilt and that everything is in fact very unpredictable...and its learning how to live life in that reality instead of creating a new one. I can't love myself into the love I need from other people...just like i can't teach myself the things I haven taught correctly. So I'm learning. I don't want to go get a feeding tube put back in or to eat a normal amount of food because its there that colors start to change...but it isn't until the colors start to change that I can see life with true perspective. So i write out truth...that needing others is how i was created...and that needing the Lord is how to meet that overwhelming feeling of being a kid in a candy store. Because he is the only one with the unlimited resources to give.
Lord God teach me how to not run away. Teach me how to take risks with letting other people into my life. Teach me Lord above all else how to allow you to be real and tangible in my life. Lord I am ashamed of this uncontrolled desire for love and for protection but I know you created me to need those thing...i just ask you for balance. You are the one who made the sky. You are the one who created the depths of the sea. You created me and know my needs far better then I know them myself. Walk with me...lead me. I give myself to you.

stand back up

Its been a rough week. I worked for 4 days straight taking care of two kids while being snowed in. Isolation from other adults quickly turned my thoughts inward and the world began to blur into a haze of colors and shapes. Situation after situation, conversation after conversation, things started to pile up. I felt overwhelmed with emotions i didn't know how to handle. I felt attacked and felt like i was becoming the thing i feared most. I was feeling...and I gave in. It seems so tempting in the moment. The eating disorder calls so sweetly reminding me of the instant gratification. His voice promises to never leave me and that he will give me the gift of self sufficiency...no one can abandon what you don't entrust them with. So I took that small step forward...then another. The first few steps seem so innocent. I will just skip lunch, but i will make up for it with an extra snack. I will have ice cream tonight instead of a boost...and then before you know it you have stepped onto quick sand and its too late to just step out...you are being pulled under. The next tactic of the enemy and the eat disorder is to guilt you into staying silent and fixing it yourself. "You are weak and pathetic, everyone know you would fail." "Same as usual, needing people and then failing the minute they aren't there to hold you up." "You are so needy. Strength comes from being able to fight your own battles alone." And the lies keep you stuck. I have been humbled beyond belief today by the range of support and love I have in my life right now. There are people who don't understand...and those people want to protect me from the judgments of man...which I understand to a degree is their way of loving me. But the majority of people in my life have no reason to love me the way they do...or support me the way that they do...or believe in me the way that they do. But they do it anyway. I fall on my face and start throwing punches as i stand back up...on the defense from myself...and yet swing at all the people who love me the most. But they stand. The Lord, my God, stands firm. Just as the Israelites doubted God around every corner He still stood strong in His love for them and continued to prove Himself faithful. He never changed. His plan for them never changed. They just had such a limited vantage point and could only see as far as their next crisis...so their faith was constantly shaking depending on their circumstances. But the Lord never changed. The Lord knew that He had given them the promised land. But the journey required full dependence on the Lord. They couldn't keep extra food for the next day. They had to believe the Lord for it. They couldn't predict how long the journey was going to last. They had to depend on God. And it was in the moments that they lost sight of the Lord and focused on the giant in front of them that they fell into doubt and despair. But God never moved. He never took of because of their faithlessness. He never peaced out and told them to work it out on their own. He loved them. He loved them and was faithful to His promises. He didn't HAVE to, that's just who He is. So I am only seeing the pain in front of me. I am seeing the emotions I have to face. The pride of self sufficiency and perfection being shattered...and I want to run from the Lord and tell Him how He has abandoned me...but its just not true. He is still there. he hasn't moved. He never has. Sometimes I think that's the most challenging past. I want Him to have left and during those times the bad things happen. I don't understand the idea of a good God sitting and watching the pain of His children...but until I can trust that He sees the whole picture and I see the tiny trial in front of me then I will never move forward. So I fell down. Hard. My pride is bruised. I'm disappointed in myself. But my option is to make my bed in the pain or to stand back up and fight. So I stand back up. Its a choice. A day, an hour, a meal, a minute at a time...I stand back up. I love the verse I was reading in exodus yesterday. It was Moses talking to the Israelites. They had just been set free from Pharaoh's slavery and they were being chased. They came to the red sea and turned to Moses and asked why the Lord has brought them there just to die. Why would the Lord set us free just to have us be killed? And this is what Moses said:
Exodus 14:13-14
"Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

We have to stand back up and stand on the promises of the Lord. He isn't going anywhere. We fix our eyes on Him alone.