What does it mean to be empty? Why is it so appealing to stand up against something that everyone must submit to and to deify it? What is interesting is that I don't sit and question these obsessions most of the time. More often then not I take the thoughts in my head and simply agree with them, as though I'm joining into a protest, a riot, for a cause I don't even understand. I guess when I stop and think about it there is a degree of pride that comes in. I get an adrenalin release when I face what is a necessity for every human on this earth, nourishment, and over power it. I have this power struggle inside my mind. When I was reading the book redeeming love there was a part where one of the main characters is taunting a man who hates her...and yet He can't kill her because she is worth much more alive than she is dead. So in knowing that, she pushes him, hoping that he will indeed lose his cool and kill her in his rage...so she would finally be free from a life of being owned, even if it was in her death. On the inside she was terrified...but she knew he would take pleasure in any emotional evidence that he was getting to her. He wanted her to beg for mercy, and she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was destroying her. I understand it's insane, not to mention stupid. To stand against food and my body as though it were the enemy calling its bluff. In my attempt to be at the mercy of anything or anyone I have placed myself in total bondage. But every time I feel out of control. Every time this world throws more at me that feels terrifying and cruel, I stand and taunt it. I was to scream that it can take my possessions. It can take my body. It can take my dad. It can take whatever the hell it wants to throw at me...and I want to prove that it can't touch me. I don't want to show the depth to which it has destroyed my heart. I don't want it to know the degree to which is has destroyed the life that was once within me.
So there is something about feeling empty that is addicting. It's as if i can prove that I am invincible. The only problem then is when I put food into my body I feel weak. I feel used. I feel like a little kid who was refusing to eat dinner because they were mad at their parents and then gave in out of hunger. Or when I was little and refused to go to bed and out of exhaustion you give into sleep. It's like I'm giving in, knowing the bribe, knowing the consequence...and I am not strong enough to resist. The voice in my head insists that I am pathetic. That I am worthless. That I will never amount to anything. That no one will ever want me. That I invite in the shit that happens to me and then act surprised when it overtakes me. Stupid, so incredibly stupid to believe there could ever be more than this. And I know better. I really do. I know the Lord and know what He says about me...about all of his children. I just don't understand why it continues to feel so wrong to do something that is right...and it feels so empowering to do something that will kill me.
I hate putting gas in my car. HATE IT. I sit and watch the little ticker as the money I'm spending just grows and grows. I can't stand it. So I make compromises with it. A couple years ago I was telling a friend of mine about how I think that my car knows me...that I think the gas light comes on far before its on empty...that it tries to trick me. She laughed at me and told me that the gas light is supposed to come on before its empty....SO that you DON'T run out of gas. We laughed about it for a long time...she to this day still makes fun of me. However I still secretly believe I'm right. I don't believe the gas light. I think my gas light is actually a bit dramatic. It will come on one day and an hour later go off. So I wait. I see how long I can go and run it on empty with the gas light on until the very last possible minute and then will go and put in 5 gallons of gas. And then the whole game starts again. 5 gallons is normally my limit. If I just got paid and im feeling a little crazy I will put in 7. I never really thought about how that correlates to my relationship with food. I don't even really know why I feel the need to wait as long as possible to get gas...or why I think my car is just messing with my head, telling me a need gas before i really do. I mean why not just constantly go and fill up my tank instead of perpetually letting it stay on empty. But anybody can do that. That is being indulgent and needy. That is easy to do. It's almost as though i see myself being on my guard more when my gas light is on. I am more aware of the sounds my car is making and what it is doing. Similarly I feel like when I'm not eating i am more aware of my surroundings. I am on my guard... not a sitting pig getting fattened, living life being spoon fed everything. I don't want anything to take me by surprise. I don't want to be lured in with the candy only to be abducted from the life I once knew.
So maybe my gas light is really just a gas light. Maybe it is telling me when I need gas so that I don't run out. Maybe food in my body is simply nourishment. Maybe living life need free isn't beneficial...but instead, perhaps its detrimental. Because truth be told I will probably run out of gas. I will probably find that when something is created to need something, its not wise to try and go without it. Because trying to prove you don't need it to survive isn't looked upon as heroic... but in reality it is just looked upon as foolish or even immature. Why try to survive without our needs getting met to prove a point instead of thriving, relishing in the provision to live an abundant life. I long to live a life of abundance. I long to be free of the chains of my past. I can do alot more to glorify God and spread His love if I am alive then if I am proving a point unto my death.
So last night my gas tank was once again on empty. I had driven most of the day with my light on and after going grocery shopping I made the decision that it was time to fill up my gas tank. No more trying to play games. No more trying to have a power struggle with a simple indicator that is there to help me. So I listened. I filled my tank up until it stopped and accepted that it's time to start living giving ultimate power to my creator. I have tried living life on my terms...and I have been living with my indicator light on for far too long. Because in all reality controlling my food won't help stop bad things from happening. It won't make my life easier to handle or less stressful. It only numbs the pain and turns off the only indicator I have that actually warns me when I am in danger. I have to trust the light is there for my benefit.
