seeking the healer...not the healing

The last few days have been a bit of a blur. Every time the wind blows I jump, thinking its the Lord moving and doing something. Which often times it might be. However there are other times when I jump at what looks like it must be from the Lord...and don't bother to ask him before I run at the chance of my miracle. I layed in bed last night thinking...a very common thing for me to do these days. Sleep is miles away and my mind races, as if thinking more about things is going to solve the mountain of questions that stand before me. It was then that I felt it. Not shame. Not anger. But the still small voice that came in the quiet of the night...sad, maybe even hurt...asking me why I was seeking the miracle instead of seeking after the one who holds the world in the palm of His hands. Conviction. At some point my desperation stopped being for the Lord and started being for what the Lord could do for me. Seeking a miracle wasn't wrong by any means...but seeking the miracle instead of seeking the Lord made my perspective get lost. The Lord knows better then to provide the miracle when that alone is what we are seeking...because when the miracle has come and gone our hearts toward the Lord aren't any different. He knows that HE is what will give me lasting freedom. Not a treatment center. Not a certain amount of money. Its Him.
He reminded me of a word He gave me a week or two ago. And in looking back I can see that He wasn't talking just about Selah House. He was wanting me to expect from Him the true character of who He is...and to believe Him for the desires He has for my life. So, I thought I would post that word as a reminder to me...to remind myself to seek after the healer instead of the healing. To remember that He is always good and is always in control. That nothing is outside of His reach....and that I am HIS beloved.
So in the midst of a hard week and the probability that this next week will bring with it inpatient treatment I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus.. Hebrews 12:2 says
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

So, I end with the word I felt like the word so clearly spoke to me a few weeks ago and change my gaze from the promise to the one who loves sinful men enough to give HIMSELF as a ransom. He alone is what will change us. He alone is what will heal us. He is faithful. He alone is our hope and our reason to live.



The Lord brought me to Exodus 14:13-16.

13"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." 15 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground."

And then this is what I feel like He said...

My provision isn't inadequate. My supply is rich, full, abundant. It is time to stretch out your hand over the sea and speak that it will part. I didn't lead the Israelites over muddy swampy ground as they crossed the sea- they walked on dry ground. Hold fast to me. I have placed Selah House on your heart for a reason...there is a way. Though it seemed impossible to Moses as He stood at the banks of the red sea I knew the way. Have faith. Know that I see where you are and have not forgotten you. You are at the edge of the sea and it seems as though you are cornered in...but its time to stretch out your hand over the water and watch the sea part before you so that you can cross on dry land. The journey won't be easy. It won't be a quick fix...it will require facing things that will break you...but I will be there weeping beside you. Holding you. You must let them in. You must open your heart and trust me, and trust the process. Tiffany will be here. She will be a part of this for a long time...so don't shut her off when you leave. She loves you...embrace that. Love her...its okay...it won't hurt her. The vulnerability required through this whole process will be painful...but they will walk with you. Be ready for the sea to part...be ready and expectant of dry land. Walk forward knowing that everything about the way you have done life until this point will be changed for the good. No more will you walk around this same mountain. No longer will you fall to this place. You will struggle but you will be equipped to fight and you will be surrounded by warriors who will fight with you...people who are willing to fight with you even until death if ever necessary. You are so loved. This isn't you running. Its following my leading to a place of healing. A places where the busyness of this world will fade away. I love you enough to give you a place of rest. I don't require this to be done in the most challenging "be strong" "barley survive" sort of way. My burden is light...I am giving you this as a chance to heal in safety because it is what is best for you...and as a protective Father I want to give you good and plentiful abundant gifts. You deserve a chance to heal. Money is no obstacle. You are worth all the money in this world. You are a gem. A princess...my daughter...who I will lavish with my care. Stretch out your hands. Pray in faith. Believe this week mountains will move. All you need to do is be still and believe."

So Tired

Have you ever had that feeling in your stomach...the one where you feel a little short for oxygen and your heart is beating real fast? That me, right now. I am laying in bed and for some reason I just realized that going back into treatment isn't just a thing im considering or a fleeting thought out in the future...its most likely a reality that is coming sooner than later. I remember that day when I got on the plane to fly to remuda ranch, scared to death, regretting the decision to board that plane at all. I cried for days. I remember getting to make a phone call to let my mom know I was there safely and just sobbing telling her I changed my mind and I wanted her to come get me. I thought I had just entered hell. So as the reality of the situation and the location of treatment gets settled and figured out...narrowing it down one by one...i get a little short for breath. The reality of the situation laying heavy on my chest...knowing that choosing to give up all control is the hardest decision I have to make...and to me, control is everything. So I sit thinking all this through...Im going to pay some people ALOT of money to hold me ransom, make me gain some weight, and take away the thing I have used as my life vest all my life. Its scary. And the craziest part, to me at least, is that I have convinced myself that I am totally ok. I convinced myself that everyone around me was making a bigger deal out of things then necessary because i somehow gave them that impression, which is my fault of course. But now everyone is concerned and worried and desperate for me...and I realize that I have been basing everything on the wrong picture the whole time. Its scary what the mind is capable of when the reality of what is is too much to contain...so I guess you create a way to make it more manageable.
People think treatment is the easy way out. People think that it is an easier choice...and in theory it is in the moment...because it is a delay...something off in the distance that makes me now crawl out of my skin right now. But then there comes this day when you think to yourself, "crap, what have I done?" I always taught when i got to this spot I would be able to reason with myself and say ok, now lets just eat and go on with life." So I get to this spot where I am like oh, yeah, treatment is expensive. Its scary. I have to leave all the people I know and love and who support me and go live with strangers who want to get me nice and yes, the "H" word. Healthy. In the mind of an anorexic its the code term for fat...its like we think they trick us into being what sounds like a good desirable thing and then the moment someone compliments you on how healthy you look you get tears in your eyes and you are reminded that you have lost your life long companion. Its a loss like any other...its painful, its scary, its lonely...but it does get better. Or so I have been told. An abusive relationship is replaced by health friendships and life becomes green and beautiful. But still, its unknown...so its hard to let go of what is when its all you have ever known...and to reach for something that you have to believe in faith is better than the life I have now. I can hear my words and vows I made with myself years ago...promising I would never need anything from anyone so that when those people left or died...nothing would change in my life. I was my stability...and all these years later I regret that more then I can express. Because now I stand before major life decisions, wondering when I will walk into a treatment center and give up my life to find healing unto a new one. I guess that feeling in the pit of my stomach is good...because it means the winds are changing...just like you feel moisture in the air before it even starts to rain...this feeling eludes to a great life shift at hand. Its scary...I'm not sure I am brave enough to keep walking...so I have faith for what will be as if it is already here. I believe the Lord when He says we will reach the other side of the sea... and I learn how to take off the heavy burdens I have carried for so long and walk in the strength and mercy that is new each morning. If only my heart could feel the truth instead of having a death grip on what it feels. My mind never has been good at convincing my heart of much up until now...but I guess there is always a first time for everything.

Hold on, Help is coming.

I haven't been blogging much these days...probably because i run from the idea of getting any more introspective than i already am. I am constantly thinking about the daunting decisions I have that stand before me as a intersection in my path. So many choices, different paths to take...with only one common thread...staying on the one I am currently on isn't an option. I don't do well with too many options. I will sit and think about each one forever and before i know it some have passed me by while I have been laying out the pros and cons of each. Life is exhausting...that I know for certain. But that's not where we end. Life isn't a streamline of days crawling along just so we can get to the next one. There is more...of this I have to be certain. I feel like I may have written this before but a mentor of mine the other day jokingly told me I just have a higher capacity to hit rock bottom then most. The good news is that the quality or lack there of that allows me to get that low is the same determined stubborn quality that can get me out. There have been numerous days when giving up was far more attractive then pushing forward. After all who wants to face a past that seems to have buried burdens hiding all over it? But isn't that such the tactic of the enemy? Isn't it so him to make us think that out past is going to be our future and by facing what was we are only going to relive it in what is right now. I'm scared. Don't get me wrong. Im not a sudden enthusiast for diving into trauma and pain...but what I am seeing more and more these days is that love wins. Hopelessness didn't win those thousands of years ago. Jesus wasn't just nailed to a cross to die and stay buried in the ground. Love won. Love wins everyday. And when we start to feel like there is no reason to keep pushing forward the Lord will, if we are willing, wrap us in his arms and surround us with His love through His people. I have never felt more loved then I have in the last week...which is odd because I have also never felt as overwhelmed and broken as I have in the past week. Interesting, isn't it? That in the time when I am the most broken and the most bound and helpless and hurting...its then that the Lord brings in more love and care then I have experienced in my entire life. He meets our needs...just not in the way we expect it. We expect so often for Him to remove the pain or prevent the painful situation...the illness, the death, the abuse, the heartbreak. But so often those things come as a result of our freewill. People's sin doesn't just touch them...it spreads and bleeds out entangling all of humanity and sickness and disease and abuse and heartbreak runs like streams through all of our lives.
This last Friday Rachel was talking about suffering at frontline. Not my favorite topic, I won't lie. But she was talking about those moments when we sit totally broken before the Lord and in total anguish look to Him and beg Him to save us. Beg Him to heal us or our dying loved one. We say God, you can totally do this and we believe it...and He with tears in His loving eyes says no. What then? I wished i couldn't relate to that. I wished more then anything I was wondering what that must feel like or how one would respond to that sort of seemingly apparent abandonment...but I understood. The answer is that God's provision doesn't always come in the form of stopping the pain from hitting us...often times it comes in the form of comforting us within it. I have a therapist who is truly amazing...such nurturing and gentle acceptance from the Lord. I have roommates who would walk to the moon with me if i asked them to...who never give up and always take every opportunity to serve me. I have friends who war with me and believe in me...never for a minute wavering and wondering I am worth the challenges and pain of walking through this. I have mentors who LOVE me with everything in them. They hold me when I cry and push me when I am wanting to stop. I have moms who check in on me and coach me when I have no idea how I will take the next step. I am surrounded...and the most amazing part is that all of it turns me back to the Lord is awe. This week I was driving in my car talking to the Lord in tears asking Him if He loved me this much to surround me with everything He has...when I have done nothing but screw up and fail and fall and walk away from Him. The thing that I don't even have capacity to believe is that He loves me more.
So its been an awful week. I lost my job. I have no money and need like 30,000 dollars to get life saving treatment. My dad's dad, who i can't stand, is dying...which just stirs up so many feelings from my past...and raises the question of why He is still alive and not my Father. I have been passing out and they think that's going to keep happening...its just alot.. I am at capacity. I really am. BUT, the Lord is good. I say that and actually mean it. Its not just words of encouragement because its the right thing to say...its the truth. I have spent more time at the feet of Jesus then I have in the last year combined. And not only do I believe He is going to provide...I believe He is providing. I see No way but I know He is the way. I know He knows I need treatment and I know the responsibility in some ways now rests on Him. He is my Father. I am just the child. I am in His hands...
All those years ago Love won. So, this is the worst its ever going to get. Life on earth is as bad as it gets...its not our home. But He created us to live this life with joy, and with abundance of His grace and His mercy. He made us with plans to reach the lost...so that more may come to know Him. So I keep walking. I walk and live each day only with the strength He gives me, because in my flesh I am exhausted. At the end of the day I have to step back and even when tears are rolling down my cheeks, say to myself, Love WON. He will never leave or abandon me. He will never walk away or tell me I am too much. He says He came to save the least of these...the worst of all sinners...the outcast and the forgotten. So I know He has me. I qualify.
I am surrounded. The mountains He moved this week were primarily the mountains I had blocking my perspective. I was afraid of that. But nevertheless, I now see love. All around me. The word I felt like He gave me this week was this..."Hold on. Help is coming." Think of the impact of that. I just think of those times when people are holding on for dear life and they lose hope and think no one will find them or see them or save them...and they give up...right before they are found. If someone would have told them to just hold on, that help was coming, wouldn't that have given them the courage to fight through another day. Its a total change in perspective. This battle isn't going to stay like this forever. It was as though He was that voice in the wilderness shouting out to just hold on...that He was help and He was on His way.
He sees the pain I am in. He sees my heart and my dreams and my desires and he hasn't forgotten me. He hasn't stopped looking or fighting. He simply says to me,
"Bethany, hold on. Help is coming."