Oh the journey. The day in day out journey some days is enough to make me long for my true home...to be home with my Savior. I say that, and yet Jesus, my Lord and my God, feels as far away as the thought of a present day relationship with my earthly Father. I know He is real. I know a relationship with Christ is as real as the face staring back at me in a mirror...and yet there is a disconnect...and inability to grasp something that is now visible to the naked eye. I can make an emotional connection to the mental comprehension of who He is...who His word explains Him to be. And yet when it comes down to me and Him, sitting together in my empty car, with only the sound of the engine to fill the space between us...I find an inability to conjure up the emotions of a real relationship with someone I deeply love. And as the space bar blinks on this screen in anticipation of words yet to be written, I long for a love so deep with a God so unchanging.
I discover more and more each day that my heart yearns for connection. My heart longs to be desired and wanted and prioritized in the heart of another person. I don't just want them to like me, I want them to love me. I want them to care about my heart and promise to hold me when the storm rages on...and yet I don't allow anyone to get close enough to touch me. And then I find a willing man, a man who i do indeed love, and I expose my heart hoping He might be the one to change all my past hurts and abuse and sweep me off my feet into my fairytale ending... I set him up to fail. No one can rescue and heal the hurt of a painful past. No one can wipe away my tears enough to erase the things that have happened...no one except this God, this Jesus, who I just can't manage to conceptualize enough to maintain a real relationship.
I am not one to think too highly of myself. I am not one to think I am a gift by being a presence in the lives of those around me...and yet over the last few days, the last few weeks, I have had my heart opened to a reality that my love for another person doesn't always equal their ability to give to me in return what I need to sustain a relationship. It's hard when what they are giving seems or feels like more than what they can even really be giving and I stare back with an empty cup waiting for it to be filled enough to just get a sip. I live sip to sip and I can't help but wonder if he knows just how close he is to losing one of the best things that has ever happened to him. I know that sounds conceited or self righteous. I really do... but I know I am loving him well. And I know He is trying to do the same in return. I honestly believe this is a bump in the road. I believe this is a challenge of having a long distance military relationship. But with every let down, every time I prioritize him way more than he prioritizes me... a wall goes up and I wonder how long love can maintain or make up for the hurt. I know all I have is today...and before the last couple weeks this wasn't happening nearly as often as it is now. And so I wonder, what happens next...and can my heart handle it. I fight to not fall back into the eating disorder. I fight to care, or find the energy to desire to eat anything at all. I refuse to let myself fall back into the hell of anorexia... no matter how far I fall, no matter or hopeless I feel...nothing is worth going back to a life of sickness.I have come too far. I can't turn back now.
So I pursue the Lord. I go against what I feel, which is the lack of a connection and I force myself to rekindle the fire I know has burned deep and bright before. I make myself run to a God who feels like a stranger, even though I have been calling on Him since I was a child. He has to be my sustenance, my true love. He has to be the one I run to...because apart from Him there is no certainty. Apart from Him I cease to be. I must return to my first love, in order to the save all other relationships I am a part of. Only Christ can fill my cup...no one else will ever be enough. They will be destined to fail before they have a chance to start...when will I learn? When will I understand that I must love Him above all else? When will I understand that His love for me was so deep that I was his priority... to the point where He gave up His live to be with me in eternity. That is a love like no other.
This is Our God by Chris Tomlin
A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your
wasted years
This is our God
So call upon His Name
He is mighty to save
This is our God
A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort
in our sadness
This is our God
So call upon His Name
He is mighty to save
This is our God
This is the one we have waited for
Jesus Lord and Savior
This is our God
A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the
faithful
This is our God
