let it drop

Standing still. In the middle of a field of flowers. Wind blowing, hair flying. My back to the rest of the world looking at God knows what... staring past the reality of the moment. Staring past the sunshine and the white daisy's. Past the trees and the birds chirping. Eyes empty. Heart broken. No where to be, no where to go. No need to smile...no need to pretend. Its not much of a safe place but that's where I live most days at this point. My body, going through the motions of everyday life, but never present...never really fully alive. I don't know where I go, only knowing I want to be anywhere but here...at any point in my life other than where I am at this very moment. I fixate on my dreams...feeling the longing to be married so deep within me that it hurts to breath some days. I listen to old voice messages from Benjamin, knowing full well how pathetic I feel... but wanting to remember for a moment how happy I was when that call was received. If only to taste it for a minute...maybe then I would remember that it is possible to feel happy. To feel light. To feel loved.
It sounds so dark. I sounds so depressing. But I honestly don't think those are the words I would use. Tired?...yes. Tired sounds fitting. Lonely...that one works too. Sad. Desperate for life to be different. Desperate for the hope to be hopeful and the joy to be joyful. I'm done with empty words and broken promises. I want to know how to get to the other side...anywhere but here.
I met with Tiffany today...which was good. I find the tears come easily in her office. I covet a place where I can cry and my walls aren't drastically higher than the oceans of uncried tears within my heart. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would treasure a place where I can cry I would have told you that you were crazy... and yet its so true that we long for the safety to be real. To be genuine. To be ourselves. To not be judged, but instead to simply be loved. Accepted. Understood. We talked alot about facing today and not trying to figure out the places I want to be...the choices down the road, the decisions to make based upon how things go in the next few weeks. I have such a hard time being still. I make so much movement trying to fix things one step down the road and never quite fix the step right in front of me. So in all reality i can never move forward. I am always too afraid to let things drop...let the plates stop spinning, let the walls fall down. I am too afraid to be Bethany...because what if the world finds out that who I am can't compare to who I want to be.
There is a little girl who's blog I follow. She has cancer and her mom writes a couple times a week about their battle...their devastation's and their victories. I was reading an update today and something she said totally blew me away. She said that alot of people don't like it when she writes about the depths of pain and hurt and despair...that they want the "but Jesus is the answer so I will be positive" attitude. I was just amazed. To think someone would ask her not to be so depressing... to not be so raw and exposed and open with her deep pain as they walk through reoccurring childhood cancer with heir 7 year old daughter!!! Are you kidding me???? I wanted to go grab this mom and hold her and thank her for her honestly...tell her how incredible it is for her to be real about the pain...the frustration, the loss. To tell her she doesn't have to encourage the world and uplift them right now... She is walking one of the darkest roads right now...let the body lift YOU up. Let your heart be renewed by the strength of the people around your family. We, or maybe I should say I, don't find relation in the happy answers. I can't relate to the "But Jesus is good so everything will be ok." I can relate to wondering how I will wake up and face another day in spite of the darkness that surrounds me. I can relate and understand and pray for her daughter and their family when she is brave enough to not have all the answers...to not have to fix it and tie it together with a shiny bow. I honestly would be worried if she did.
I guess I say all that because it hit me how much I do what I would be appalled to ask another person to do. To be the encourager within the trial. To say the right Christian things and act as if its glorifying to God. I don't believe God is glorified in my right answers. I think He is glorified in my brokenness. In my sadness. In my lack of having it together. Its there that I am brought back to His feet, you know? It takes the pressure off me and reminds me that I am not the one in control. But that He is. There is something within pain that connects us. It takes us to the root of our humanity, the moment we ate the fruit of the tree, and it brings us closer to each other.
So, that said.... I am broken. I am scared. I am tired of feeling like a failure in my struggle to be the woman I want to be. I feel like a failure as a friend, as a daughter, and as a sister...and more than anything i want to scream and cast blame. I feel like I have suffered enough for what happened to be...why does it still get to destroy my life today? Its not fair. That's all i want to say and yet I know nothing will change in those words. Those words feel so borderline. They feel so immature, as if i am not taking responsibility for my own life. All I want is for someone to take me in their arms and tell me that its NOT fair and that its safe to heal now...and that they won't make me do it alone.
I am ready to face it. The plates have fallen. The pieces are on the floor and all I have to show for myself is desperation, a raw heart, and a love for a Savior who I believe deep down within...is faithful.



You are Faithful by Michael Boggs

Oh the mountains haven't always moved
when I prayed that they would
And the waters didn't always part
when I believed that they should



But you have promised you'd never leave us
to face this life on our own
so whatever you choose
however you move
i know im not alone



in the healing in the breaking
you are faithful, you are faithful
in the saving, in the suffering
you are faithful, you are faithful


through the pieces of a broken life
your love has helped me see
that i may never understand your ways
but you'll always be good to me


your love is deep enough to drown my fears Lord
the plans you have for me are worth waiting for

one more time

When I think of the last month of my life i think of leaves on a windy fall day. I think about watching them get blown everywhere, getting caught up at times in bunches and never touching the ground for more than seconds at a time. There is a whirl wind of commotion, a hurried noise, displacement. Nothing settles for long. Sometimes the movement is simply back and forth within a front yard...sometimes you lose sight of where you began and close your eyes and wake to find yourself somewhere you never would have dreamed.
I am often times surprised when i feel myself caught up in the emotion of these past weeks. It doesn't happen often. After all I did survive much of my life by letting the wind blow and never slowing enough to feel the chill it brought with it. And its strange now how it feels to curiously observe what it feels like to remain, to be still, and to feel. I'm not good at it. I don't like it one bit actually. And i normally don't remain there for long. I was coming home last Sunday night after getting drinks with a guy...i say that like that's a normal casual thing for me to do... BUT I got home after a kinda sorta date and i just felt the pain of losing Ben. I missed him for that moment and it surprised me. I mean I am sure i miss him much more often than i realize. I am sure in the days that followed us breaking up I felt the weight of things but it seems to me that its in the looking back that i have trouble. I can get through the moment. I can distract and over work and be super busy and get through the moment. The problem remains that it never goes away. It's still waiting in the shadows for a moment when things are still...and then its there. It's thick. It's heavy. It's heart wrenching.
I have been thinking quite a bit the last few weeks about desperation and surrender. I have found that its only when i am desperate that I come to terms with my lack of willingness to live life outside my parameters. I think as humans we have trouble with the idea that we have to trust something that we can't see, abide in someone we can't touch, and entrust our lives to a sovereignty that at times can feel as real as a fairytale. It goes against everything this world tells us is truth and asks us to rely on something totally outside of our control. And when you have had a life filled with loss and pain its hard to do...its hard to do when you haven't. I have had to ask myself a lot of hard questions this last month. I have had to look at faults and weaknesses...to see where I have to take responsibility for things being in the state they are right now. But something is different this time than it has been, in that I have also stopped and taken responsibility for things I have done well.
I have been able to be reminded of my own lack of perfection which helps me to be more understanding at the same lack in other people. I can offer forgiveness because I have seen my own need of it and have once again come face to face with the cost it took to offer it. Who am I to withhold the very thing that was offered to me when Christ paid the price for everyone. That doesn't mean its easy. That for sure doesn't mean there isn't healing to be done. It for sure doesn't mean I trust those same people. It simply means I release them from my judgment..and give it back to only one who it really belongs to.
If there has been something I have learned these last few weeks its that life really is so much bigger than our current circumstances. Life is cumulative. Our experiences shape the way our heart responds to everyday situations. A date with a man will be far different for me than it would be for someone without a history of abuse. My past, my fears, my expectations shape the way I experience life. And yes, our ultimate goal is for our life not to be filtered by our past but to be re-filtered by Christ...allowing him to come in as change the way out heart experienced those things back in those moments. But its not in my striving for perfection that I turn people to the Lord. It's not in my perfect pure innocent life that others will relate to me and see the hope that Jesus has to offer. It's in being real. Its in our struggle with sin. It's in them seeing that we are all needing redemption. That's not to say we go and sin more abundantly so that the Lord may be more glorified...I believe it talks about that in Romans... but its that we are real and we strive toward walking without sin knowing that its in our nature... and that it will be a life long battle... and not judging people when their sin looks different than our own. My life is about me but its so much more about God and bringing Him glory... and its His MERCY and GRACE that makes Him want to lavish His love and blessings on His children. It's a hard pill to swallow...life not being about us...about me. It's hard to see outside my own pain long enough to be thankful...instead of feeling abandoned.
I really don't want to go back to magnolia creek next week. I really don't. I feel so much shame and guilt and failure in returning...in causing my mom to pay more money, in admitting that I wasn't strong enough to walk this out well. I honestly feel sick about returning. I get so frustrated because i haven't fallen apart. I haven't given up and stopped fighting. I haven't returned to choosing the eating disorder and playing the mind games and trying to lose weight. I haven't. I haven't engaged in self harm or let myself drift towards thinking about death. I have been real and open and honest and willing to do whatever i need to do... or almost at least. Dang it. I barely even caught that. I have been willing to do almost anything. Shoot. Totally just turned myself in on that one. BUT thankfully I have people in my life who love me enough to not let things get so bad that I fall apart. Thankfully people care more about me being free than about petting my flesh for the things i did do well. Sigh, I don't want to be associated with the girls with eating disorders who just love treatment or just choose to live complacent in their eating disorder. I am not willing to live my life in and out of treatment. I want more than that...and I think that is why I am so devastated to be returning. Its not about a number to me. Its not about a size or even about calories. All I want is freedom. I want to be able to face my fears and not be so scared...I want to look the man in the eye, metaphorically of course : ), and tell him i am taking my life back. That He doesn't get to be in charge of me anymore. The things these different men have taken from me are things i can't ever get back...but what I can get back is my voice. I can learn to say no. I can learn to call what happened "wrong" and be able to place blame where it needs to be placed... and own it when it needs to be owned. The most beautiful thing I can do at this point is heal. There would be nothing more infuriating to the enemy than for God to make something so awful into something that has been touched and redeemed ...and planted seeds to help others grow towards Christ.
So in retaliation to the last few weeks of hell... In response to all the hurtful words and the judgement and the abandonment the only thing I can do is heal. Let my actions speak louder then any hurtful words could. I choose to walk away and keep perusing my freedom in Christ. I am done letting pain inflicted by others cause me to hurt myself... so I will grieve, i will cry, I will listen to the voices who I trust, and I will learn how to love once more. When asked how many times someone should stand back up I have heard the reply to be this: just one more time than you fall down.