Who has needs? Not me ; )

I hate it when I am wrong. I hate it when I am determined to show the world my independence and it only turns into a demonstration of my need for others...and really my need for full dependence on God. I walked into my appointments on Tuesday with boldness and determination to convince my dietitian and therapist that I have no need for a feeding tube at this point. My argument was great and my attitude was extremely positive. Genuinely positive. My dietitian tried to tell me it was like stopping a medication just because you are feeling better...that the whole reason you are feeling better is because the medication is working. So we made a deal. I can keep the feeding tube out as long as I follow my current meal plan with an addition of a few things, drink 1 boost to start at night, and then maintain and or gain weight...if I fail to do any of those things, well, the tube goes back in. It sounds so simple, right? I confidently signed a contract with those words down on paper and thought to myself, "how hard can it be?"
So this morning I am sitting at my computer staring out the window at snow covered creation and wondering why it is that we try so hard to do life on our own...in our own strength. What is it about needing help from friends, professionals,and even medical technology that makes us so stubbornly determined to be able to live life on our own? I guess I can only speak for myself but I think its having to face that feeling, that big part of your heart, that longs to be loved...and the scary part is that we have no ability to fill that place or that need for ourselves. We are limited. And I, for one, don't like that on little bit. But the crazy thing is that part of my fear is the inability to predict and control that those needs will always get met. I think possibly the craziest part of this whole thing is that we have the creator of the universe telling us to let Him meet each one of those needs...promising that He will never leave us. And still so often I very politely thank him for his offer but tell him I have it covered. But lets be serious. I think we have all had situation where we felt like God didn't come through. He didn't save the loved one who was sick. He didn't stop the abuse from happening. He didn't keep the divorce from happening...and we see those things, I see those things, and I very sweetly and innocently say, hmmmmmm, really? Seriously? I always secretly thought to myself, " What good is it to have a God who will never leave you if He isn't going to protect you?" I mean isn't that what we feel alot of time? Doesn't that at times feel almost more hurtful then if He wasn't there to stop it to begin with? But the problem is that there is this thing in the world called free will. There is this thing called sin that has consequences...and sometimes we happen to be greatly affected by the sin of others. We aren't robots. God gave us the ability to choose life or choose death...and at the fall of man the door to sin was opened and there was no longer perfect unity with God. And there has been such redemption with Jesus. But so often we see sin and the consequences of our sin and the sin of others in our lives and it makes it hard to believe that we are being protected...so its hard to open ourselves up to face that need that burns of the inside of us...and instead of run from it, embrace it. Of course there is the other side of the spectrum where you think you are unable to do anything for yourself and you become totally dependent on the people in your life...and that's not healthy either. But the need will never go away if we just hide it. Even when we have Jesus and believe that He really is all we NEED...we have to embrace that He created us to see and experience relationships here on earth through which His love can become tangible. So the lie today is that needing help or accountability is shameful. The lie is that I SHOULD be able to totally meet all of my own needs and walk into freedom knowing I made it all alone. But truthfully that wouldn't be freedom. The truth is that we were created to need the Lord and need others. Its not strength to fight through life by yourself...strength is being able to ask for help. It takes courage. It takes boldness. The enemy loves for us to have secrets...and he loves for us to be alone. He knows that there is power in the light. He knows that light overcomes all darkness... Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

to get what you want...

I don't want to get my feeding tube put back in. I really really really don't want to get it put back in. When I took it out on Friday, when it broke, I told my team I would get it put back in on Tuesday. I really did have every intention of getting it put back in. BUT, tomorrow is Tuesday...and funny story, I really don't want to get it put back in. I also really enjoy getting what I want. Its not a quality I love about myself but hey, lets be honest, who doesn't like to get their way? But here is what is amazing...I know that in order to keep it out I will have to eat alot better...so for the last 3 days I have been doing better. I have been almost following the food plan my dietitian and I came up with...to do in addition to the tube feeding. I guess its just funny to see how motivated I can get when I want something bad enough. I really don't want a tube in my nose any longer for the world to see. I figure everyone else gets in enough food by eating...so its not impossible. And it hasn't been perfect...but its been better...which is progress. The hard part is that this season of my life is all about surrendering my will to the Lord...but that also means surrendering to the people He has placed in my life to help me. So, it isn't about what I want to have happen...because clearly I am not the best at knowing what is best for me at this point...hence the tube in my nose the last few months. So, its not about convincing anyone of anything or refusing to follow the advice given to me...because that would be totally against what I have been working so hard to do. Its about being honest about where I am at and then being open to hearing the feedback...which is hard. But i want life. I want to be free. I want to live beyond this bondage. So I surrender my instant gratification and choose a life time of freedom. Because if a tube in my nose is what it takes to get me to the place of being steady in recovery...then that's what it takes. I can do anything for a short amount of time...but without being willing to do whatever it takes I won't have the dignity I am trying to grasp onto...because I won't be living. Its time to be bold. Its time to be anything but ordinary... It's time to "soar on the wings of eagles...run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

freedom...it's a choice

Its easy to get discouraged. I start to feel like time is slipping away as I stand with my feet stuck to the ground...moving in slow motions as the world passes me by. I hate this eating disorder. I hate how difficult it is to get better. I don't understand why I can't just decide to be better and be better. Why is it harder then just eating? Why is it so deeply rooted into the core of who I am that the twists and turns have made knots deep inside rooms of my heart that have been disconnected for years. You begin to wonder if you will ever find your way out...you begin to wonder if its too late. My feeding tube broken on friday and so its been days of fighting my ass off to eat and drink boost...feeling so sick from not having all the nutrition i am used to and feeling sick trying to down a boost in 10 seconds. I hate this...I hate fighting. I hate feeling this way and feeling discouraged and depressed. So what do you do? Quit? Throw in the towel and sulk into behaviors that will stroke my flesh? No, sadly thats not the answer. I wish it was. Man, I wish it was. See im finally so tired of feeling this way that when i get to this place I just get mad...because it sucks. There is so much loss in how hard this is...how many years this has stolen from me. But sitting down doesn't get me free. Starving and numbing doesn't get me free. And you may be offended by this but what I am doing right now takes more courage then staying sick ever took. Its hard. Yes. Its painful. Yes. Alot of horrible shit has happened that led me down this path to the place I am at. Yes. But staying here...staying here or getting better is my choice. The reason I got here may have something to do with my past but my past isn't keeping me here. I am keeping me here. I am responsible for taking my life back. Its not fair. It really isn't...but where does that argument get you other then sick and tired and alone? So I ate my dinner and I drank my boost and I feel sick. Yep, its true. But the Lord is my strength. The Lord is my hope. The Lord is my freedom. So even though the pace seems to be painfully slow...its forward movement. I am the daughter of the King. I deserve more then this life of bondage...and believing that is the first step to getting there. Keep fighting. The truth is...either way you make a choice...and by not making a choice the choice has been made. Choose to fight. Choose to live. Choose to love deep and breath deep of the Lord. He alone is good. He alone is the path to freedom...close your eyes and keep stepping out in faith...its the free fall of your life. But its worth it. The one who catches you is the one who walks on water.

heavy

Heavy. Thats the only word I have to describe these last few days, weeks, months... I knew getting better wasn't going to be easy. I knew from past attempts that walking out freedom is something that takes alot more courage then it does to stay the same. And I know the good is far out weighing the bad...in the long run at least. But today, man, for a little bit it just caught up to me. I thought that walking this out would at least be more clear...a bit more cut and dry. But when you open the door to a closet stuffed full of emotions nothing becomes cut and dry...in fact everything seems to feel a bit wet and cloudy. Seriously. There is so much in life that you learn by not learning it correctly. The problem is that when you learn it, its normally because it has blown up in your face because the way you were doing it wasn't the most helpful or life breeding...and that is suddenly evident by the mess in front of you. And it hurts. It hurts so much that it makes you want to keep doing it the way you have been because doing something new would require needing to be taught...which would require opening yourself up to needing something from someone and there to be the chance that you mess up again. It just, yeah, hurts. Its hard and it sucks and you want to run anywhere as fast as you can just to escape. But everywhere you turn...every brilliant solution of where you could run to returns to you void. You see that everywhere you look other then at doing exactly what you are doing...is going to lead straight to emotional and physical death. And i don't write all of that to be discouraging. I don't say that to say this is where it ends...run and start over with people who don't know your crap in a new city where you can do whatever the hell you want to and no one will know that you are weak and needy and "sick." You just hit a time and I am so thankful that it is finally here...when running will only lead you into a brick wall. You come to the end of yourself and realize that wow, the stuff I am running from is real. And its horrible. And its painful. But its not nearly as bad as living the way I have been living. You get so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that you get desperate to seek help. You get desperate and start listening to the Lord and start believing that no matter how angry or if you are like me "not angry" you are with the Lord, that at the end of the day He is still totally in love with you. He still will fight for my freedom by not allowing MY self help plans to work out. He will patiently wait and wait and wait because He knows that without Him I will be lost forever. He doesn't pitty me...He LOVES me. He doesn't just put up with me, He wants me. Its hard because most of the time I want nothing to do with "love." But HE wants everything to do with me. But i guess the encoragment in this is that I think in this circumstance, the fact that its this hard shows me I am doing something right. I was never able to relate to the people who just "ready set go" walked into recovery. It always made me wonder what was wrong with me that it is this hard. But do you want to know what I believe it means? That the Lord has big plans for my life. The enemy wants to keep me bound and tied up for a reason and this whole determination I have to walk in the Lord's strength is making him a little angry. But its hard. Its embarassing to me that its so difficult for me to eat three meals in one day. Its embarassing that I am sure I have gained 10 pounds overnight. Its embarassing that I am so "big" and have a feeding tube in my nose...man I won't even get started on the feeding tube. BUT, its hard because my struggle is so difficult for people to get...because most of the time its one the envy. But it has taken me every single day saying out loud to myself, "This is the road to having a family." "This is the road to going back to school." "This is the road to be joyful and confident and have deep and healthy relationships." So I won't lie and tell you it feels good. I won't lie and tell you that the choice is easy in those moments...at least not at first. But I tell myself, its what needs to happen right now...I may not want to not have this eating disorder as a coping tool...but I do want the life that goes with not having it. Its a choice....It's a choice I am making every day. Even in the midst of everything around me, including me, feeling so heavy.
So, be encouraged...facing a lifetime of emotions pushed under the surface that have been numbed out by the eating disorder is hard. Hard doesn't even do it justice. It takes constant focus and constant determination to focus on the Lord and do what I am being told to do with my meal plan and hooking up at night...it may be one of the hardest things I have ever done...but there is grace for that, right? I mean He died once and for all, right? Its just so much more then words. Its so much more then a story in a book that is read at church...He really is everything. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Thats what I need. I need some of that rest...so I keep fighting, eyes focused on Jesus...believing in the ONE who is faithful will complete the work He started all those years ago.

painting pictures

Last night at frontline we had a time of just sitting before the Lord, practicing just being still before Him. The goal was to stop presenting requests before Him or asking Him to meet needs we have...but instead just be still, and listen. So, as I was just sitting still before the Lord He started to paint a picture for me. The funny thing is that it came out almost in a dance...in a short sequences of movements and situations with the Lord. I saw myself on a stage, dressed in beautiful light clothing that was flowing over me. On my back was a backpack, which seems quite out of place. At first I could just see myself walking literally weighed down by what I was carrying. I was painstakingly taking each step, looking as if i was being crushed by how heavy it was. People would pass by me, skipping and dancing. When they did I would straighten myself up and try to run beside them, smiling as if nothing was on my back at all. People would at times point to the backpack and I would turn to look behind me as if to ask them what they were talking about. Eventually, every time, people would pass me as I would make a reason of why I was going to stay behind. But in the moments when no one was watching me I would sink to the ground with the weight on my back debilitating me. So then, while on the ground Jesus comes from the left side of the stage behind me and walks up to me. I stand to my feet quickly, embarrassed He found me in such a state. He wants to dance with me and I try and best as I can and quickly can not stand beneath the weight of my backpack. Jesus points to the backpack and I look down in shame and He reaches for it and I turn away quickly...scared of what He is going to try and do with it. He touches my hand gently as if asking me if He can help me carry it and I look in his eyes...not sure of what to think. What if He empties it out in front of me and laughs at its contents. What if He dumps it out at my feet and runs away...leaving me with everything out in the open, alone with no one to help me? I try to resist time after time until finally I let Him hold onto it and I feel the pressure be lifted off me. He kneels down in front of me and I bend beside Him and I see that He is starting to unzip the zipper. I grab His hand and try to stop Him, not fully knowing what He would find when He opened it. He looked at me so gently and so softly and I took my hand off his and let Him finish opening the heavy bag. He pulls out a brick and I look at it and feel sick. My world starts spinning and I shove it back in and pick it back up and run away. The same scene happens and I try many things...one being to have Him put down the bag and leave it as we run away. But the moment I run away its back on my back and its weight pulls me to the ground. Again we walk out the same scene and we get back to unzipping the bag together and taking out the brick and suddenly I see a scene in front of me as a little girl, maybe 4 years old, in a nightgown crying, screaming, shoving the brick into this backpack. I see that little girl put on the backpack...she seems to small to carry around something so heavy. Suddenly I am back with Jesus staring into His eyes, watching tears fall down His face. I'm confused, scared, unsure of how to react to what I have just seen. He touches my hand to his tears and holds out his arms to hold me. I see that He is trying to teach me how to respond to what He has just seen. He is trying to show me how He responded when it happened...and trying to show me its ok to go back and walk through that time with that little girl. Finally after looking at the brick for long enough we would stand up and walk over to a big cross that had appeared. I would look down and see that the brick I was holding would have a hole in the middle of it and I could go over and nail it to the cross. Jesus would hand me a piece of paper signed with his blood and I would place that paper back in the bag, place it back on me, and the exchange was over. Each time the backpack would be lighter. He seemed to be telling me that the only way to get rid of the backpack was to open it and go through it together...and then to nail the bricks to the cross in exchange for a piece of paper, each one signed with his blood. And the more time that went by the more I was able to run and skip beside Him. I wasn't nearly as weighed down by the backpack...it was there, but I started to notice it less and less. After awhile I stopped walking away from Jesus. I would place the backpack back on and just stay near him. We would walk together and talk together and then sometimes take the backpack off and remove another brick. We did this until all the bricks were gone and they had all been nailed to the cross...and all that was left inside that bag was signed pieces of paper, bearing his name. I was able to move freely and dance with others as they passed by. Times would come that I would walk through a dark patch and I would find a brick and be tempted to put it back inside the empty bag...but Jesus would remind me to stop and to look at it. I would watch His face and his posture so I could learn how to react to it...we would cry together and then go and nail it to the cross. I started to learn that the hard and painful circumstances didn't go away...but that in the pain I always had a choice...to put the weight of it on me and carry it...or to look at it with Jesus and nail it to the cross. Looking at it seemed much more painful in the moment...but it saved me from having to carry it with me everywhere i went. Jesus was teaching me how to dance again...and showing me that I didn't have to carry the weight of a past on my own...but that I could look at it and exchange it for the freedom of the cross. We can't put down a full backpack and walk away...the only way to lighten the load is to open it up and face the pain and exchange it for grace...He wants me to dance again. He wants me to trust Him.

entitlement is never a good thing...

I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. I really didn't want to eat anything challenging all day today. What I felt like doing was staying comfortable. I am already doing so much, I hear myself saying. Don't I deserve to have a day off? I am doing 6 cans of formula at night...so don't I deserve to not have to eat during the day? It sounds reasonable. I actually start to feel sorry for myself for all thw work I am doing and start to feel entitlment creep right in. So as I was sitting and justifing my actions I started to think about everything going on right now. I started thinking about how I am not able to do so many things I am desiring to do because of the limits this eating disorder places on me. I start to think about the main things that are painful right now and most of it has to do with feeling rejected or alone or depressed...which all root back to not being able to live life fully. I have given up so many years to this disease. I live my life constantly fighting for instant gratification. I don't want to feel pain so I numb out using the easiest and quickest thing I can think of. I feel uncomfortable or stressed so I simply choose not to eat so that I can take the edge off the intensity of how I am feeling. I live each moment dependent on my ability to seperate myself whatever is going on in the here and now so that I can survive. Man, what a tactic of the enemy. If the enemy can keep me from living for anything beyond the past and the present pain then he can keep me from living to extend the hope of Jesus to those in my proximity. He ultimitly wants me dead but he will settle for me to be totally self consumed unable to reach beyond the limits of my emotions. So, I took a moment to prioritize the things that i want and then took a moment to see what I could do in the moment to make tose things happen. I clearly don't want to eat dinner. I clearly don't want to gain weight. But I do want to go back to school one day. I do want to get married and have a family. I do want to minister to a lost and hurting world that is unknowingly perishing every moment of every day. So not eating didn't make the cut on priorities. Feeling comfortable didn't make the cut in priorities...because in order to get to the things I want I am going to have to fight through doing the things I do. I am going to have to sit in uncomfortable pain. I am going to have to feel really painful emotions. I am going to have to hold onto the strength that is my savior and walk through the fire...so that I can live a life that is devoted to Him and Him alone. I have wasted enough time being stagnent. I have wasted enough time in momentary comfort that slowly kills me each and every day. I have to believe that He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it...but I have to let Him. So i sat down and ate my Boca burger. I ate my fruit and my grains...not because it felt good or because I wanted to...but because I want freedom more. I want a family more...I want to live out my dreams and hopes and God given desires MORE than I want to stay out of pain. I will go home tonight and hook up to my feeding tube and pour in 6 cans of formula...so that one day there will no longer be a feeding tube on my face. One day my freedom will be a testimony of the Lord's incredible love for His children...and for his heart to set the captives free.

Isaiah 44:21-22
"Pay attention, O Israel, for you are my servant. I, the LORD, made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses like the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free."

What a might God we serve. His love so pure...His mercy so abundant. Thank you Jesus that you have ransomed me back to you.

not so pretty...

I'm warning you now before you read any further that I am not feeling overly happy and or encouraging. To be really honest I am worn out and really tired of putting on the positive attitude this week. So, bear with me while I let go of the walls all around me and for a moment get to be the person behind the smile. It may not be pretty, but I can tell you one thing, its about as real as you will get.
Depression is clouding every situation in my life right now. There is literally a cloud looming over every circumstance before me, daring me to take one more step and it will release torrents of rain. There is a new feeling that has been added to the mix this week. An emotion that is not one I would ever claim if we were chatting face to face. Its an emotion that threatens me each time I look back into the past I so meticulously avoid. Anger. See my problem with anger is that it assumes the position of worth. If you believe you have worth it will make you angry, among other feelings, when someone treats you unfairly or unjustly. However, if you believe you have no value or worth someone violating you will not make you angry, it will instead make you bitter. Anger scares me because it shows I am believing that what happened wasn't ok, which means i didn't deserve it, which in my mind makes it all the more painful. It destroys the carefully crafted explanation of my past that I have created to explain away my devastation. I feel like all around me the ways I have been able to manage the pain are being taken away from me and I am starting to drown in the unbearable weight of what was and now what has become of me. I hate where I am. I hate the alarms that are going off in my head as people in my life try to walk me out of this addiction of destruction. I hate the feeling that my world is crumbling while the world around me tells me this is the pathway to new life. It really is like a butterfly in its cocoon thinking and feeling like its very life is being taken away...when really its being given wings to fly. Like a drug addict I long for a fix of something...anything to make these feelings go away. Numbness. I want to feel nothing at all as I walk through a season that is challenging the core of who I am...that is challenging the entire way I have walked out this life. I ask myself day after day if its worth it...and the answer that the image in the mirror pleads with me is if there is anything to lose...what is the alternative. Known death or feared death...those are the only options I have anymore. The sad thing is that known death would at least save me the anticipation of the unknown. I am feeling a seas of rejection right now. I am feeling an ocean of violated trust. I am so afraid because the people around me who said they weren't going anywhere might have walked away...and you tell yourself that people are only human. You tell yourself its not personal, there is just alot going on in their own lives. And there is. Its totally true. But it doesn't make it any easier. It makes me look at the empty holes that represent places of people who ARE family and CAN'T go anywhere...or weren't supposed to go anywhere. But death took its stand and it won. It makes you see the reasons you stopped letting people in in the first place...but it leaves you with one really challenging question...was it worth it? Was it worth letting those people in who now seem to be walking away? I want to say no. I want to scream and yell and tell you how much i don't need you or them...or anyone for that matter. But the truth is that my words are empty. The need my heart has only feels more and more out of control as i realize my desire to be loved and cherished. I wish I could say the mean things I am thinking and hurt some people and make them get angry at me...so i could stop hoping they will love me as much as my heart is longing for it.

So, what do I do? Do I pull away? Do I go to a new church and start over with new people and see if I can find a way to do life better this time...until the next time everyone finds out the truth? Or do I bear down and walk through the fire? Do I risk getting burned alive by the people I am wanting love from the most? Its hard. It really feels like someone is slowly killing me as I wilt in not being understood...but...the truth. Sigh, this part is the hardest even to write. The truth is that I have nothing to lose and only life to gain. The truth is that what is being burned is the rebellion and pride of my flesh...and the pain is real. The past hurt is really real. But the path to being free still remains. Walk through the fire and risk losing everything...or walk the life out I have been living for the past 26 years and lose everything to a whole new capacity. I know the Bible tells me I am a new creation...that the old has gone and the new has come. I know the Lord is faithful and good. I know there is more to this life then this pain...

So I hook up to 6 damn cans of formula at night that are infused through a tube in my nose...a tube that lets the world watch me wear my struggles.. I eat the three damn meals during the day...even though I feel like I am gaining 10 pounds with each bite and 5 more with each thought of what I already ate...it feels like slow and painful torture... But I am going to do it. I am doing it and I will cry out to the Lord to walk with me as I lose control of my life and hand it over to the one who knit me together. Its gotta be worth it...and like we have already established...what do I have to lose?

like sheep without a shepherd

I was reading in Matthew tonight and stumbled upon a verse I have read countless times before...but tonight it took on a whole new meaning. Matthew 9:36 "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd." I am so thankful for a God who sees a tired, worn out, and broken people and is moved with compassion for them. At times i am just overwhelmed by how much I need the Lord's compassion. Last night I had a meeting with some people that I really didn't want to go to or b e a part of. Mentors and leaders in my life were basically telling me I wasn't strong enough to be a part of a church plant that I have been planning on doing for about a year now. I was angry and annoyed and feeling rather discouraged and rejected. Something in me was stirred up when the man who was kinda leading the meeting spoke to me. He wasn't mean per say or angry but he was bold. He was confident and He was in a leadership position over me and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Hatred rose up in me from the core of who I am and I sat patiently waiting until I could non dramatically stand up and leave. Hatred of men. Hatred for the ways I have been violated and misused. Hatred for the abandonment and lies and lack of provision. Hatred for the years of not having a voice...not having a shepherd to guide me. Without a shepherd we wander. I wander. I have wandered for years thinking that a shepherd was something for the weak...and so I found my way past wolves and fires but the soot on my skin and the fear of my back leave reminders of living life without protection. So its hard when people want to love you. Its hard when people want to guide you and steer you...because all you have known to do is to trust no one and wander. They want to help and you want them close enough to stay in arms reach but never close enough to get too close. But it doesn't work that way. Alone at the end of the day you look to see that the thing you have been holding to for all these years is a lie...a facade that was really never there to begin with.
There is more to this life then this. There is more to this life then living inside the bondage of an eating disorder. There is more to life then the numbers and the depression and the pain that eats away at your soul. There is more to the girl in the mirror than a number on a scale or inside a pair of pants. We have a shepherd... though we can't see Him He is there. And He has compassion on us that moves his heart. Isn't that comforting? Its time to learn to live under the care of a shepherd. Its time to walk in green pastures and by still waters. Its time for freedom. It doesn't feel good now but its coming. I am the only one who can stop me from finding freedom and its time for once that I refused to give up or give in...and to learn a new way. Its hard. Its more painful then I can say...but its something different then I have ever tried before. I keep walking...with great tears tonight I keep walking...because there is really nothing left to do but fight.

falling in love

I am totally about to quote Avalon, get ready : ).

"Everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me."


The Lord has just been doing so many amazing things in my life and as i see him at work all around me I have really begun to fall in love with Him. I think its so different to love someone because, well because you just love them. But then there comes a day when your heart begins to be stirred and it flutters and you find that you are being pursued. You find that you are the affection of someones love. We experience it with good friends or boyfriends or parents...its not just romantic. It really is like a small flower that is beginning to bloom...your heart begins to open to this other person and you let them in. I am falling in love with Jesus, really falling in love with Him, for the first time. I can't tell you what exactly changed it but there is this hunger for Him...this desire for His comfort...this desire to nestle up to Him and draw near to Him because He is good...He is loving...He is the God He has always been...but He has captured my heart. He long ago captured my mind...but He finally turned the key to my heart and awakened me to His love.
The main thing I want to write about really fast before i go to bed is to really just profess His abundant provision. When I was deciding if I was going to go into the hospital I was having alot of trouble with insurance and finances. I didn't have to money to go into the hospital and my insurance wasn't going to start for another month. BUT, the Lord through a combination of things confirmed that going into the hospital was what He was asking me to do. So in timid obedience I went in. I just got my bill back and out of the 9000 dollar bill I owe 100 dollars. The rest is covered. I feel like the Lord is really wanting to show me His heart and that my obedience is what opens his hands to provide for me. How can He provide for me if I am not walking in His plans, plans for my good and for my future. He is saying to me, Bethany, I am here. I am your provider. Step out in faith and see that I catch you. Every time. Every step I am there and have already walked the steps you will take...I know what is on the other side of this mountain and it is good. Let me protect you. Walk in my obedience and surrender.

How good is the Lord? Wow, I am just amazed. And food has been difficult and hard today and I didn't feel like coming home and hooking up to my feeding pump. But I did. He provides a way every time but its up to me to take it. So I trust in Him and I ask for accountability. I actually ask my roommate if I should take tonight to fast and pray about a meeting I am scared about tomorrow. She responded by coming in and pouring the cans of formula into the bag for me to hook up to my feeding tube.
So I stand on His promises tonight:

I won't be afraid for you are with me.
I will not be discouraged because you are my God.
You will strengthen me and Help me. In Jesus name. Amen.


Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

The substance of my life

Dietitians. Man, what a tough job. I think about how crazy I am when I am full out in my eating disorder and I can't imagine dealing with girls like me all day long. It's funny really because I have such a love hate relationship with mine. Eileen is amazing. I have known and seen alot of dietitians over the years and she really is honestly one of the very best. And I really do think she is great. So when I know other girls have just finished an appointment with her and I am talking to them I always ask how it went and follow it by saying, I just love Eileen! Normally they laugh and annoyingly mutter something about wanting to hear me say that after I have had an appointment with her. And its true. I left an appointment a month or so ago and called one of my best friends and was freaking out telling her that Eileen is "such a bitch!" I have come to realize that I love her but my eating disorder hates her...which I'm sure she would love. Seriously. I bring all this up because I talked with her on the phone today. We were figuring out a time to have an appointment this week and she was asking me how things were going and I always start sentences with her, " Well, I feel like... ." I should know by now that that argument never ever works with her. Because of course my eating disorder will rationalize everything based on how I am emotionally feeling about it. "Well I just feel like everything you are wanting me to eat right now is too much." "Well I just feel like I have gained a ton of weight." I just feel like eating what sounds good in the moment is better then eating what is nutritious. And here is what is amazing...despite all I know about the lies that come with the eating disorder...despite knowing it always leads me away from life and into a place of bondage...despite knowing its trying to kill me and steal all life....STILL i believe it. So i eat a little less then what I am being asked to. I eat an ice cream cone for lunch instead of a well balanced meal. I skip a meal because I know I have gained some weight. I listen to it's voice as if it has always lead me to a place of freedom with every other encounter. So, Eileen's thoughts were helpful. She said that every time I hear that sentence start to form in my head that I feel something and want to act of it, to listen to her voice instead. It sounds easy enough...but we all know just how hard that is. But isn't time to try something different. I sit here with a tube down my nose wondering what I really have to lose. I am tired of people staring at my feeding tube as they walk by. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly being buried alive because I can't think straight. I am tired of watching the lives of the people all around me go to new levels and achieve new dreams as I sit back comforting myself by saying I am thin. The truth is, I am thin. And if you ask me if its worth it I would never ever tell you it is. Lots of people are thin. Lots of people are beautiful. Lots of people are strong and tall and talented. The question is if I am content with my life being fixed upon a physical characteristic. If at the end of the day I am content knowing that I have spent my time and my talents with the goal of being thin. Isn't there more? Isn't there more this world needs? People are hurting and broken and falling apart searching for something or someone to love them. If I am not there to tell them the truth that there is SOMEONE who loves them. There is SOMETHING worth giving your life to. Its Jesus. Its an eternity at stake. I don't want to sit around believing that someone else will buck it up and do that for me. I want my life to matter....but more then that I want my life to be spent glorifying the Lord. So my question to myself today has been "What am I living my life for?" I say I have dreams and hopes and longings...do they all center upon my physical appearance? Is the substance of my life dependent on the size of my jeans? There is so much more to this life then this. We all deserve to live and have joy and experience the hope that comes in total abandon to the Lord. So, its a day at a time. Its a meal at a time. Its a bite at a time. Its taking my life back from the grips of an eating disorder and pursuing freedom.

relationships are hard

Life has felt out of control today. I hate feeling out of control. I love the routine and the predictability that an eating disorder brings into my life...I mean aside from the mood swings and the depression. But even those things become predictable and known...and there is something about being able to foresee the feelings and discomforts that you will face instead of facing an unknown situation with unknown emotions. One of the most difficult areas for me is in relationships. I lived life for so long believing that I was my only consistent. Needing anyone else was just setting me up to be hurt and abandoned and I have had enough of that for a life time, thank you very much. The problem with that though was this ever present nagging weight of loneliness. I never had to chance losing someone when I needed them but I also never got to experience the blessing of being known and loved. But you see I can't control other people. I mean, not really. I can manipulate them to try and get them to act in a certain way...but even then, that's not genuine. That brings this false sense of power...which I think I want, until I see that being able to constantly get my way is how I got so deep into the mess I am in. So, I decide to let some people in. Slowly at first. Step by step I start to open up my heart and show them the scars from the battles I faced...battles I shut the door to and never looked back. Days, weeks, and months pass. Before you know it people you stopped thinking about the walls and the layers of protection you have to keep people out. Those few select people pass right security and you don't even notice...until. Until, you ask? Until what? Until the day they trip and stumble over something or start to fade back and it ignites a sensor that you forgot you even had. Abandonment rings though your mind like a fire alarm and you retreat because that's what you have learned to do in a fire. You run as far and as hard as you can until there is no one around you and the air is crisp and cool. But here is the tricky thing. People are human. They trip and fall. They say the wrong things and forget important events. They get busy and miss a meeting. They experience their own fire and they are preoccupied putting it out. Humanity. We deal with people hoping to experience relationship as if we are dealing with Jesus. We want perfection and a money back guarantee. And when I don't get that I walk away disappointed...because my expectations were different from reality. This last year and a half I have slowly started buying back into the concept of doing life with people...that two are better then one...and a whole family - made up of people from all areas of my life- is better then risking nothing and being alone. In the last few months I have for the first time in a long time, set people up above where they should be...and because of that they had nothing to do but fall. The fire alarm sounded loud and clear when they did and I knew, I KNEW, I had the choice to run or to stay and face the pain I was feeling. In passive aggressive anger I shut myself off from their love and I punished them by showing them just how much I didn't need them. And do you want to know who it was that suffered from that decision? It was me. Loneliness invaded once again. So the Lord humbled me and reminded me of just how much I am loved and how much past trauma triggers a response that is not really helpful or necessary. I can't control the triggering emotion or situation...but I can control how I respond. The truth is that I need people. Even as I type those words i get a little bit tense because that is still really hard for me. But God didn't create us to be alone. Adam walked in perfect intimacy with the Lord and the Lord still said he needed a helper, that it wasn't good for man to be alone. The truth is that we are all human and we will make mistakes. Even leaders and mentors and counselors. The truth is that my past experiences and hurts don't have to control my present. So, even today as I was disappointed and frustrated with one of my closest relationships I had to choose how I would respond. I am in a time of alot of transition and my friend and I have two different views of how I need to walk this out. Its painful and stretching and it makes me remember the reasons why I stopped allowing people past the stone cold walls of my heart. And as I sat across from her I made myself look at her from a perspective of love and not from pain...and I realized that I have gained so much through that friendship. I have grown in so many ways and learned so many things. I have learned how to be loved and how to really be a part of a family...she is invaluable to me. I am so thankful and so blessed to call her my friend and she deserves more then for me to expect perfection. And my heart softened. Her humanity shouldn't disappoint me. Her humanity gives me the opportunity to show her love and grace and shows me even more that the only one who is perfect is the Lord. It also allows me to see that often times the person hasn't done anything wrong, they have just accidentally triggered an alarm in my heart. So I take a deep breath and move forward. This world has pain. Relationships are scary and require more vulnerability at times then we think they are worth. But more often then not, that's not the case. And there is of course the factor of not disclosing everything to everyone. But there is grace for a relationship when the Lord has placed it in your life. But in those relationships, though they are scary, they give me the chance to see that every disappointment isn't abandonment. Every miscommunication isn't punishment. And every change in every season isn't devastating. There is so much to learn about finding balance...and experiencing the comfort the Lord always has ready for us. This is about so much more than food. Its about relearning how to live life...and learning that no matter what, its not going to be perfect.

metabolism

My metabolism amazes me. I know it sounds silly but it really does. Its this thing that is part of me that is at work that i can't see and its working for my health and wellness...ok, and get ready to make fun of me. So I feel like there are some comparisons between how i have seen God and how I have seen my metabolism. Let me explain. So my struggle has, for the most part, been not eating. Anorexia has stolen so much from me and the whole time I have been yelling at my body, my metabolism, for being so damn slow. I seriously would tell everyone that my body hates me. I starve it and starve it and it just keeps holding onto everything it has, refusing to lose weight. I had friends that just thought about not eating and they would lose a few pounds. Doctors would tell me how fortunate I was that my body took care of me by refusing to lose more weight or by slowing it down so i could stay "stable." I would roll my eyes and make a comment about wishing it would just let me die and we would move forward. But i look back and its like my metabolism was saving my life. I would yell and scream at my body and my "fat" and punish it...trying to express the pain on the inside and find a way to let it out, somewhere, somehow. BUT, then when i start eating again and want to be better I want my metabolism to be fixed and work right. I demand so much from it and never give it much to work with in return. It just kinda reminds me of my walk with God. I get so chained down with fear when this world throws life at me so i punish my body. I do whatever I can to numb out or control what I can so that I don't have to feel the intensity of pain that my heart is experiencing. So then as I dive into an eating disorder my world falls apart around me and the Lord LOVINGLY allows that to happen. If the Lord gave me what I wanted and allowed life to be beautiful and wonderful I would die of anorexia. So then I have the days that I decide I want to be better and I call on the Lord and say ok! I'm ready now! Come fix me and change everything and love me and hold me and tell me everything will be ok. The Lord hasn't so far in my life responded to those cries by counting to three and healing me. He allows it to be something I have to walk out so that I can learn and grow and see who He really is. Its amazing really. I am so human and walk so often in my flesh...being slow to repent and slow to forgive others. But the Lord is ALWAYS working for our good. He is always working for my good. He never backs down at my mistakes. He never gets frustrated and gives up on me. He just slows down and waits...protecting me when I can't protect myself. Sometimes being protected means not getting what it is we are so desperately desiring. Whenever i get eating back on track or, as is the case right now, have a feeding tube, my metabolism speeds back up super fast. Its crazy really. My dietitian laughs at me because I am so amazed that my body actually uses food when I give it to myself on a regular basis. It turns out my body "hating me" was my my body protecting me, from myself. In the same way, God doesn't let that plan that i have made, which will cause me ultimate destruction, take over HIS plans for my life which are good. He will take any evil in my life and use it for my good. Isn't that amazing? And still I blame Him for so much when I'm in the intensity of my heartache...when really He has been working for my good the whole time.

So I got the feeding tube put back in a few weeks ago and a funny thing happened...my metabolism shot up right away. I tripled my calorie intake and i didn't gain weight. I need to gain weight and I didn't because my metabolism started working. Crazy. Its not against me. Its actually working for my good so that I have a chance to live my life. I am so thankful that Jesus knows me better then I know myself...and that He gives me life freely.

Day 3. Food was rough...but there was some genuine determination and effort. It was far from perfect...but i am hooked up to my feeding pump with the full amount of formula I am supposed to do for the night. God is at work. This really is the beginning of a whole new season. There is so much more to share...but first, I need some sleep.
Give thanks to the Lord our God and King...HIS love endures forever.

From victory for victory

Its true, we do. We fight and war for our freedom knowing we already have it...because with Christ dwelling within me I have the power of God residing in me. How crazy is that? I know, it sounds like one of those cliche statements that are great to say but not so helpful to hear. But the thing is that I am telling it to myself tonight. Its been quite the day, let me just tell you. I decide yesterday that I am going to start documenting my journey to freedom from an eating disorder, right? Today my feeding tube is blocked ( I know, the feeding tube will require a blog in and of itself, but stay with me), my appointment with my dietitian was canceled due to her getting sick, and my meeting with my mentor fell through as well. And it snowed. Did I mention that? Because for some reason everything seems more difficult when its freezing cold. So, I am not feeling oh so victorious right about now. To be totally honest I screwed up, quite a bit. I had a stretch of about 2 hours when I decided that my problem is that I have been letting people get past my hand crafted walls in my heart. I was loving and living and hoping again...and I was let down. Every cancellation or "I really just don't think I have time today" sentences holds little splinters of abandonment that slip under my skin and painfully throb, just reminding me they are there. So I FEEL like my pain is from people who are trying to take away the one thing that never ever cancels on me. The one thing that never walks away after seeing too little progress in a stretch of time. The one thing that talks me to sleep at night and reminds me that I deserve every minute of the pain I am in. The problem is that it is one of the main things that is stealing my life away from me. This eating disorder is killing me. BUT, the good news is that those feelings are valid, but they aren't truth-filled. The truth, are you ready for this!? The truth is that every time someone cancels an appointment they aren't abandoning me. The truth is that Jesus IS the only person who will never leave or forsake us. The truth is that those walls around my heart have actually kept out much more love then they have pain. The truth is that life is messy and sometimes messy hurts...but messy can be breath taking. Messy can be the awakening of life and love inside of your heart. I can't control the world around me...and the truth is that you can't either. Not really. I wish I could. I really really wish I could...but I believe that someday I won't really want that anymore. Someday not being in control is going to be a beautiful thing...because right now I live controlling the ending to each chapter of my life...much like a choose your own adventure book. That option seems more in control but in all reality, it's totally unknown. No guarantees. No promises. Its just me and what I think is best. Then Jesus is standing right beside so excited He can't even stand it...promising me that in Him, as I allow Him to guide my footsteps, there is a promise of Victory. Why? Because He was Victorious...this world didn't overcome him, death couldn't hold Him down...and that Victory over the cross and the grave is living inside of me. So even though I don't feel victorious...even though i don't feel like fighting...I resume. I stand up and see the lies of the eating disorder and speak out the truth...even when I don't feel like it. Especially when i don't feel like it. Because I have had enough. I have lost everything to this eating disorder...it has left me broken and alone, shattered and depressed. But not any more. The Lord is going to take it all back...but I have to fight. I am the only one who can fight this battle. No one can want it for me. I have to stand and face my past and my pain...but I don't have to do it alone. Jesus is in me and sweet precious friends and mentors and doctors are beside me. Praise the Lord I don't have to feel victorious in order to have Victory...victory is a stance, not necessarily a destination. These are more than empty words...this is truth and its open to you. Come stand beside me. See that Victory has already been given...all you have to do is take hold of it and make it your own. Its not going to be easy...after all, its still a battle.

Today fighting feels horrible and I hear the eating disorder softly calling my name...trying to remind me that I could never live without him. Then He gets louder and louder until I just want to melt into his arms and let the worries of the world slip away. But because I have let people past the walls I have accountability...and they love me enough to be mean and make do what I need to do...but my freedom is worth it to them. They love me that much. I am blessed.

Day two...ever so slightly successful in some areas...complete.

Step One...

I thought the life of someone "struggling" with an eating disorder was a glamorous one. Tiny clothes to fit your tiny body, with a tiny purse to carry your tiny needs to match your tiny problems...it seemed so beautiful, so simple, so unique. The truth however is that its anything but unique. Its actually so textbook and so boring that you actually take away all the things about yourself that once made you different from all the faces on the street. No one tells you the truth about Anorexia. No one tells you that you will never actually become the vision of what you thought it would look like... No one tells you that the taboo problem of girls dying from electrolyte imbalances and going into sudden cardiac arrest are actually the accurate depiction of a life obsessed with the thin ideal. The truth is that this struggle with food, this life battling an eating disorder will steal every bit of life from you. You see, you think you are different. You think it won't get that bad or be that serious. I know that's what I thought. I kept despairingly living out each day thinking that surely if I lost one more pound the life of laughter and love would somehow fall into my hands. Of course that wasn't true. Each day i actually stepped a little further from my dreams and every one of the people I loved. Each day I blindly took another chain and slipped it around my wrists...thinking I was adorning myself with the beauty of this world. Those "silver bracelets" led me far from beauty. Instead they led me to hospitals and treatment centers. They led me to debt beyond my means and the ending of college and career goals. They led me to having a tube stuck down my nose, taped to my face so I could be kept alive through a feeding pump. It isn't tiny anymore. In fact the thing I once thought I controlled so well is now controlling me. The undertow grabs your feet from under you and debilitates you until you can't know which way to swim to get air. All logic fades as your oxygen deprived mind tired to rationalize the deception and reflections of water. You are under before you even know what hit you. We adorn ourselves to belong. We beautify ourselves to be accepted. The worst part of deception is that you truly are deceived.

The truth about this all however is that I wasn't created for this world. I wasn't created to fit in and be OF the things that destroy the life that was placed inside each one of us. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God...who am I to think I can create something better.

After years and year and years of living in the pain and hopelessness of anorexia its time to take a new path. I will explain more later about my heart for the next year and how writing in this blog every day is a part of my pathway to freedom. I don't know what it will look like. God knows it will be far from perfect...its going to require more honesty then I have ever been willing to face...but its time to find freedom. Its time to learn how to trust my maker and believe Him at His word...its time to find the dreams I walked away from so long ago and bring them back to life. Its time for war to be waged and hope to be restored. Its time to find freedom.