searching for peace

 I find myself constantly searching. Searching for love, for happiness, for relationships. My idea of trusting in God is praying when my heart is heavy and then expecting Him to change my situation instead of changing my heart. So I'm exhausted. Constantly. Waiting for the next thing that will come into my life and make me happy...or at least fill that void that daily seems to grow deeper and stronger. I tried surrendering. I tried telling God that I only needed Him hoping that would help Him to bring my husband even sooner. Funny how God always seems to know when I'm trying to play mind games. So I decided I was going to try and start being honest with Him. I decided I would pray what my heart is really thinking and wanting and also praying for my heart to change as He changes me. I decided being real and open would probably get me further than  hoping I could outwit the God of the universe. And since then there has been this peace. It goes in waves of course. My brain is wired to be anxious about everything instead of anxious for nothing. So its a process of reminding myself that searching for things in this world will leave me tired and lonely. I will feel lost and hopeless...powerless to make the changes I want. So I am learning to long to know His comfort. I long to trust Him...to believe Him at His word. So once again tonight I surrender my will to His. I surrender my timing to His. I surrender my anxiety and instead petition for His peace...which He says will surpass all understand. I guess it's time to stop searching and time to fall to my knees. My healer. My Savior. My peace.

Father God I want to know your heart for me. I long to believe that you are closer than my next breath...help me comprehend your love. I'm so afraid Lord of being alone forever. I'm so afraid I have messed up my life beyond repair. But I know you are in control. I know you love me. I know you want the best for my life. So I entrust myself to you. Lord let these be more than words...let them be the cry of my heart and let my actions reflect the knowledge of your truth. I believe you are there. Hold me as I sleep. Encourage my heart and speak over me the plans you have for my life. I surrender.