silent understanding

I know I hold a double standard. I know that I expect people to be sensitive to a past that I won't share with them...that I wouldn't even consider allowing them to know the slightest details about... they say they would want to know. Trust me when I tell you just how untrue that is. There is a dark world out there. We watch the news and read terrible stories about people who have walked through horrific situations. Talk shows, books, and magazines all share details that make most shudder and sadly shake their heads, wondering how there are people in this world who could do such hurtful things to children, to spouses, to perfect strangers. However the very thing that makes those stories bearable is the disconnect between them. What is interesting is how different the story becomes when someone you love is a part of it. When you are a part of it. I listen as other people tell their stories, and God knows I haven't been through anything compared to some people... but they talk about their story, these horrific things as though they are talking about a movie they watched or a book they read. Stone faced, stone hearts, reconstructing a life that has been forever shaken by a past that won't disappear. New movies won't replace the words and the scenes that are forever etched in your mind. You fall asleep at night only to relive the same story told through different characters in different contexts in different nightmares.
Tonight I sat and listened to my sister, talking to my mom, telling a story of a friend from high school who was beaten by his father and step mom. I listened as she talked about him telling his story to her and my mom this afternoon and how they both were in tears. I listened to her shock and horror and her repeating over and over how confused she was that he wouldn't have said anything... that he didn't tell anyone. She understood that he was threatened... but still how could he have stayed silent all those years. They sat and talked and talked about how heart breaking it was and what she would have done if she had known.
It's weird when there is an unspoken understanding. It's crazy how the stories are different but so similar at the same time. Maybe its verbal abuse. Maybe its physical, maybe its emotional or sexual. The degree or severity varies and the situations are unique...but the unspoken understanding bleeds through and touches anyone who has been scarred by it. You can look in their eyes and know that they know and for a moment its beautiful because you don't feel so alone. But as quickly as that feeling comes it is replaced with brokenness. You often feel more broken for them than you ever could for yourself. You have lived with your own pain...you never get used to someone else's. You pray that the world will never understand. You pray that those you love will never get close enough to it to feel the chill that it leaves behind in its wake. You desperately want to protect those you love from the very thing that you were not. So the silence continues. The eye contact is lost and you go about your every day lives, putting as much distance between you and the pain that you can...trying to allow it to change you for the better...believing it has made you the person you are today...because believing anything else would be devastating.
There is no pity that is desired. I know very few who want the attention and pity that the world can offer. There really is no point I am even trying to make. I guess I am merely making an observation. I guess it seems that the pain in other people is the very thing that connects you to them. We want to have spot free lives that are easy to share and be a part of. I don't necessarily think that the silent understanding, the connection that is unspoken, needs to be anything other than unspoken. I guess I just find it interesting that no matter how hard we try or how fast we run from the past that seems to have totally screwed us up...how great the mask or how beautiful the picture we paint is...in a moment, in a story, you are transported back. No matter how many miles or bricks or road blocks you have put in place to keep it away... in a scent, in a word, in the eyes of a child you know is holding back more than anyone would assume...you return. And it's as real as the day, days, months, years it happened. You don't necessarily have to stay...but each time it makes it more difficult to deny its presence. Each time you are reminded that it's a part of you. The question then I guess is how to move forward without the intent to forget...because when you spend your life trying to forget it makes it that much more painful when you are brought back, and are forced to look it in the eyes...most likely not your own eyes... but in the silent understanding of those who have been torn apart by abuse. It's the club you never want to be a part of... and the one you are never asked if you want to join...

my prayer, my heart

I keep telling myself that I will look back on this season in my life and see all the amazing ways the Lord was providing for me. I keep telling myself that the job that will fit me best is one I haven't applied for yet and that I simply have not met the treatment team that will walk me through the fire. I keep telling myself these things all while looking into my reflection and seeing in my eyes just how much I don't believe a word of it. I mean I do. I do believe the Lord is at work...I don't think there is a place I can go or run to where He won't be at work in my life. However I constantly second guess myself. I wonder if I am applying for the wrong jobs or not applying to the right ones. I wonder if the therapist I met with this week just seemed crazy because she doesn't even compare to Tiffany...or if she was just tough with me and that's why I wasn't a huge fan...or if she really is not a great match for me...or if its what I really think it is - she lacks experience in this field and I really don't want to be a guinea pig. I don't want to walk away because I am closed off but at the same time I don't want to start with someone I won't connect with and waste weeks, waste money, and chance things getting worse. Everything seems to on edge right now. I feel like my whole life hangs in balance and as the wind blows I falter back and forth...I never know if one big gust will send me over the edge.
After talking with Tiffany today I was more aware of how hard my heart is and has become. It's like in my inability to be anything but real with her I see parts of myself surface that aren't nearly as kind and open as I would hope. I see patches of anger and roots of bitterness. I find frustration with the Lord and at a deeper level see that the frustration really is in my inability to surrender fully and yield completely. I see my lack of trust, resulting in a lack of faith. And on days like today I come face to face with a broken hearted God...one who I know loves me deeply...and one who longs for me to simply crawl into His lap and allow him to carry me through this land that is so foreign to me. If only I understood His love for me. If only I understood what it means to trust someone to never leave or die or grow weary of my constant failure. If only I didn't hide in my shame and remove myself from the hope that He promises I have in Him. If only I wasn't so afraid.

So tonight all I have to offer is a prayer, is my heart...knowing there is no amount of processing that can ease the pain and the loneliness... knowing there is only one who can comfort with true hope.

Father God I come to you Lord so ashamed. I feel like there are chains resting heavy upon my body, as if every movement takes more strength then I possess. God I repent for doing life my way. I repent for running from you instead of into your arms. Lord I pray for my heart to be awakened to your goodness. God make your presence and your love known to me this week. Reveal your heart for me to me and help me to daily trust in you more. I need your help. I don't know how to keep moving forward. All I have is you right now and I know that in some ways that is a beautiful place to be in...because you alone can get the glory for everything in my life. You alone must be my savior...you alone must be my God. I repent for placing idols before you. I repent for placing my hope in my appearance and my own strength. Lord show me where to apply for jobs. Show me where you want me to be each and every moment of every day. Show me how to love your children and your sheep and show me how to give that same love and compassion to myself. Show me when to rely less on the support of this world and when to rely solely on you. Lord give me wisdom to walk out this life well. Lord God I long to be the woman you have designed for me to be. Help me to walk through the fire and the pain and the testing without running away and numbing out the pain. Help me to cling to you and walk with courage believing that you will provide. That you have already redeemed me. That you will never leave me. That you love me more than anyone else in this world ever could...and that the plans you have for my life were made by you...the creator of my hopes, my dreams, and my desires. Help me come to you when i feel lost. Help me hold onto you when I feel alone. Help me to put action behind my steps when you tell me to move. I pray Lord that this week you would show me where I need to apply for a job. I pray that you would calm my anxious heart and help me to use this season to build my faith as I see you move mountains. I will trust in you. I will place my hope in your name. I give you my fears and my pain. I can't do this my way anymore. Lead me Lord and I will follow. Guide my steps and I will move as you lead. This is not my life...but yours alone. I love you. I need you. I am humbled to be called your daughter. Light the fire in my heart and remind me that you are near. Be real to me this week. I believe you for the life that is to come. I believe you for the life that is today. I believe you. You alone are enough for me.

Needing Peace

I am desperate for the ability to be content...to be happy. My world, my life, is nothing but transition at this point and I can feel the weight of nothing feeling certain wearing on my heart. It's not being back home in California in and of itself that is challenging. I think more of it has to do with what this place represents and the memories it holds. I didn't realize the extent to which I am used to living life on my own until I came back into a family dynamic. Everyone has opinions and suggestions on how and where I should be applying to work and where I shouldn't be applying and if I am applying to enough places and I am worn out. It's like the world is moving at the same pace it always has and my mind has slowed down as the thoughts race at an all time high. Trying to find a new treatment team while trying to figure out school deadlines for the spring and student loans that need to be paid and a job that needs to be found in order to finance any of the things above... and as my senses and emotions are overwhelmed and the only consistent things I had in place in my life before I moved are gone I crawl into the shadows of my mind and try to escape the unbearable noise of the chaos all around me. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I feel like my family is doing nothing but trying to help in any way they know how... so why am I so cold? Why am I so weighed down with guilt and shame and sadness. I feel like people look at me and I stare through them, not knowing how to answer the most simple questions. I am at a loss for effort, a loss for energy...im at a loss for words. I feel like all I do is try to figure out life right now and there is nothing but criticism...constant questions about turning in applications and emailing people about jobs and searching websites and the more I do the more I feel like nothing is enough.

The people at Summit have been so incredibly nice to me. A lady named Cindy who does assessments has made me feel so cared for and like I matter. But they can't set me up with a dietitian in their program and I don't know if there are alot of choices for their outpatient therapists. I fear the worst at all times...that i will be misunderstood and not believed and alone...and pay alot of money to be a diagnosis. So I start to rationalize why I don't need a dietitian and don't know if i need a treatment team all while I graciously slip back into the chains of an eating disorder. It's not what I want and I am not going to let it happen... but in order for that statement to be true I have to change something and make changes...changes I often don't have the capacity to make in this upside down world. So instead I manage. I do what I can to show my gratitude and love to my family. I try to be the person I want to be instead of the person I am...which is the very fault of the person who broke my heart just months ago...pretending to be the person you want to be instead of living in the truth of where you are does nothing but set up expectation you can't ever emotionally live up to.

So for now its a day at a time. I hold tight to the hope that is my God. I pray for direction and for His love and presence to be so real and tangible, that its as if He is right next to me, holding my hand. I pray for peace. I pray that I never take a single day for granted and strive to love above all else.