Oh Jesus my heart needs you.
I am tired of the right words...
those words bury me as I smile and whisper something about hope
But im empty.
Cold.
Revive me.
Remind me that:
I'm Yours
Bought at a price
Daughter of the King
Worthy
Stay close.
I feel so far away.
But you are there
closer than my next breath
Holding me
while I sell my soul
This world is not
my home
my hope
my happiness
I live to bring
you praise
your love
your truth
to a dying world
to hurting heart
to a life like me.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Acceptable Addict
I'm an addict.
As much as i run from that truth and cover it in smiles and socially acceptable behavior, deep down I am an addict. Though I know that my actions and struggles don't define my worth or my identity I wrestle with the fact that my drug of choice is admirable or even envied. We live in a society that is overwhelmed with obesity. We live in a world that describes the perfect body and perfect size as a standard that is unattainable. So when I found that pain in the world was too great and control was only a figment of my imagination I found that I could set my mind and my heart on becoming beautiful. I found that drinking in excess and using drugs was socially unacceptable. I found that those who were slaves to alcohol were mean and loud and inappropriate. I couldn't be perfect and be drunk. Drugs were expensive and unpredictable. There was nothing attractive to me about taking something that made me absent from my own body and susceptible to the desires of those i was with. Who doesn't want to be thin and beautiful. Everyone is always trying to lose a little bit of weight and work out to be more toned and in shape. No carbs, only carbs, no sugar, no wheat, no fat, low fat, all fruit, no fruit....it is always just merry-go-round, changing from week to week...only to cycle back around years later.
I found myself sad tonight as I sat in Church... perfectly raising my hands in worship, taking diligent notes, nodding my head at all the right times...and that being genuine. My desire I believe is genuine. My heart full longing to be seeking after God. My deepest desire in life to know Christ and emulate his love to a hurting world. But in the midst of pain...my mom's surgery behind us and everyone else taking a deep breath of relief...i spiral in the fear and confusion. I am so good at being strong until the time comes when everyone else is able to sigh in thankfulness...and all the terror and fear and insanity that I felt finally able to surface...shoved down so deep that it wouldn't even be known at all...until the pressure breaks through and the mess is everywhere to be seen.
So i could drink. I could take prescription or recreational drugs. I could sleep around or cut my wrists...but the world would look down on me. They would see me as lazy or selfish. There would be talk of me being out of control and untrustworthy...wasting money. It would bring embarrassment to my mom and her job as a children's pastor. My destruction would only cause more pain and my family isn't looking for more of that. So I diligently go to the gym. I use the same machine on the same settings for the same amount of time. Every night I pack the same foods for the next day...knowing the things I will eat and knowing the things I will repack every day this week...something to fill up space. But I can't help but feel like I am living a lie. I can't help but feel like an addict when I get so worried about not going to the gym two days in a row that I sneak away during family dinner to get in a short workout.
I just want to be free. There are days when I am jealous of the alcoholic or the drug addict...because they wear their pain for the world to see. They don't care about keeping a pretense...they just hurt and let the world watch them destruct. I secretly sweat out every fear and every devastation. I starve away each loss. I bleed though sweat and it manifests in flashbacks. My whole past secretly lurking under my skin desperate to find its way out...in a loud and angry and uncontrolled way. It screams at night threatening to lash out and consume those around me...and consume any good that is left in me. So I embrace that 4th elliptical from the left and put it on a level 4. At work I park in the 4th parking spot from the right and always have 4 new emails in my inbox. I eat my same foods at the same times and I wonder why the tears won't come. But don't you see that they understand wanting to work out...they are envious I make it a priority. They understand not eating anything unhealthy...and they are jealous that my clothes are a smaller size than their own. Self control. When all I see when I look in the mirror...when I take a deep breath as I leave the gym...as I throw away my plate from dinner...
I'm an addict.
As much as i run from that truth and cover it in smiles and socially acceptable behavior, deep down I am an addict. Though I know that my actions and struggles don't define my worth or my identity I wrestle with the fact that my drug of choice is admirable or even envied. We live in a society that is overwhelmed with obesity. We live in a world that describes the perfect body and perfect size as a standard that is unattainable. So when I found that pain in the world was too great and control was only a figment of my imagination I found that I could set my mind and my heart on becoming beautiful. I found that drinking in excess and using drugs was socially unacceptable. I found that those who were slaves to alcohol were mean and loud and inappropriate. I couldn't be perfect and be drunk. Drugs were expensive and unpredictable. There was nothing attractive to me about taking something that made me absent from my own body and susceptible to the desires of those i was with. Who doesn't want to be thin and beautiful. Everyone is always trying to lose a little bit of weight and work out to be more toned and in shape. No carbs, only carbs, no sugar, no wheat, no fat, low fat, all fruit, no fruit....it is always just merry-go-round, changing from week to week...only to cycle back around years later.
I found myself sad tonight as I sat in Church... perfectly raising my hands in worship, taking diligent notes, nodding my head at all the right times...and that being genuine. My desire I believe is genuine. My heart full longing to be seeking after God. My deepest desire in life to know Christ and emulate his love to a hurting world. But in the midst of pain...my mom's surgery behind us and everyone else taking a deep breath of relief...i spiral in the fear and confusion. I am so good at being strong until the time comes when everyone else is able to sigh in thankfulness...and all the terror and fear and insanity that I felt finally able to surface...shoved down so deep that it wouldn't even be known at all...until the pressure breaks through and the mess is everywhere to be seen.
So i could drink. I could take prescription or recreational drugs. I could sleep around or cut my wrists...but the world would look down on me. They would see me as lazy or selfish. There would be talk of me being out of control and untrustworthy...wasting money. It would bring embarrassment to my mom and her job as a children's pastor. My destruction would only cause more pain and my family isn't looking for more of that. So I diligently go to the gym. I use the same machine on the same settings for the same amount of time. Every night I pack the same foods for the next day...knowing the things I will eat and knowing the things I will repack every day this week...something to fill up space. But I can't help but feel like I am living a lie. I can't help but feel like an addict when I get so worried about not going to the gym two days in a row that I sneak away during family dinner to get in a short workout.
I just want to be free. There are days when I am jealous of the alcoholic or the drug addict...because they wear their pain for the world to see. They don't care about keeping a pretense...they just hurt and let the world watch them destruct. I secretly sweat out every fear and every devastation. I starve away each loss. I bleed though sweat and it manifests in flashbacks. My whole past secretly lurking under my skin desperate to find its way out...in a loud and angry and uncontrolled way. It screams at night threatening to lash out and consume those around me...and consume any good that is left in me. So I embrace that 4th elliptical from the left and put it on a level 4. At work I park in the 4th parking spot from the right and always have 4 new emails in my inbox. I eat my same foods at the same times and I wonder why the tears won't come. But don't you see that they understand wanting to work out...they are envious I make it a priority. They understand not eating anything unhealthy...and they are jealous that my clothes are a smaller size than their own. Self control. When all I see when I look in the mirror...when I take a deep breath as I leave the gym...as I throw away my plate from dinner...
I'm an addict.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
No words
The wave of the last few weeks crashed over me and took away all my words...sometimes life is so deep and so painful that its hard to breath, let alone speak. It's interesting really...how words disappear and only silent prayers manage to constantly be on the tip of my tongue. In the silence, in the stillness...in the noise and chaos of the day in day out existence that we call life, there quietly waiting is the fear, the what ifs...the realization that we have much less control than we would like to believe and yet more than we give ourselves credit for.
Cancer is an awful word. Its a poison that seeps into the lives of those actually battling its ramifications, but also into the hearts of the loved once standing beside them. Helplessly trying to support and love and hold up while inside we too are dying...yet knowing its not about us...and yet hurting with every step along the road.
Its funny because life after cancer is different. Much like life after losing a parent, after abuse, after an eating disorder is different. While you appreciate the health of those you love and treasure each moment you still feel jaded, scarred from the wounds that aren't necessarily always yours to claim...but the scars run deep and run wide. As I waited in the waiting room for 5 hours today I felt oddly numb. I no longer had any control of the situation. All I could do was to trust God above all else, and trust the man who went through years and years of schooling to specialize in removing cancer. Everything else seems somehow less important. I want to put aside the "trauma work". I want to put aside the elusive search for a husband. All I want to do is not be so afraid...and to have my mom healthy. And in the height of the moment all else fades away. And i struggle to believe with everything in myself that those things will stay in the background and i can move on as though nothing at all has broken me. I just don't know how I will ever feel again. When you make the decision that this journey isn't about your fear or pain or brokenness and allow the one who is sick to have the right to what they need taking precedence over everything else...its a decision to be numb...because how else will you survive?
The words still won't come easily. My mind still in fight or flight...not on me or my journey. Only wanting to hold tight to my mom and never let go. After losing one parent you become desperate to do anything to not lose another. I pray that somehow in this lack or words or feelings i can find a way to still love deeply and do what I need to do to be available to be of use to others. I try to be thankful...because I am so very thankful. I am so thankful for God's goodness and faithfulness to stand beside His promises... I am so thankful He hears us and it moves him to action...to compassion...to remind us His love is always far greater than our own love for our loved ones. He gets all the credit...to Him be all glory..forever and ever amen.
Cancer is an awful word. Its a poison that seeps into the lives of those actually battling its ramifications, but also into the hearts of the loved once standing beside them. Helplessly trying to support and love and hold up while inside we too are dying...yet knowing its not about us...and yet hurting with every step along the road.
Its funny because life after cancer is different. Much like life after losing a parent, after abuse, after an eating disorder is different. While you appreciate the health of those you love and treasure each moment you still feel jaded, scarred from the wounds that aren't necessarily always yours to claim...but the scars run deep and run wide. As I waited in the waiting room for 5 hours today I felt oddly numb. I no longer had any control of the situation. All I could do was to trust God above all else, and trust the man who went through years and years of schooling to specialize in removing cancer. Everything else seems somehow less important. I want to put aside the "trauma work". I want to put aside the elusive search for a husband. All I want to do is not be so afraid...and to have my mom healthy. And in the height of the moment all else fades away. And i struggle to believe with everything in myself that those things will stay in the background and i can move on as though nothing at all has broken me. I just don't know how I will ever feel again. When you make the decision that this journey isn't about your fear or pain or brokenness and allow the one who is sick to have the right to what they need taking precedence over everything else...its a decision to be numb...because how else will you survive?
The words still won't come easily. My mind still in fight or flight...not on me or my journey. Only wanting to hold tight to my mom and never let go. After losing one parent you become desperate to do anything to not lose another. I pray that somehow in this lack or words or feelings i can find a way to still love deeply and do what I need to do to be available to be of use to others. I try to be thankful...because I am so very thankful. I am so thankful for God's goodness and faithfulness to stand beside His promises... I am so thankful He hears us and it moves him to action...to compassion...to remind us His love is always far greater than our own love for our loved ones. He gets all the credit...to Him be all glory..forever and ever amen.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
cancer
The word cancer is never one that is expected. It hits like a rock and steals your breath as its meaning slowly bleeds into the brain. No words can fix it. No desire can change it. It simply is...and there is only waiting. When my mom told me about the cancer I thought my heart would literally break inside of me. The greatest fear is anything hurting her. I would protect her with everything in me and guard her and there is nothing i can do. I have no control and the only thing i can do it leave it in the hands of the one who created her...but He was also who also let my father die all those years ago. How do you trust? How do you believe He loves her more than I ever could? How do you lay at His feet and plead with everything you have inside of you...because I love her more than I could ever lose myself. I am so afraid and yet it all feels so surreal. So untouchable....
Father God help me to trust you. Lord God heal my mom. I pray Father that you touch her with your mighty hand and remove any cancer...any trace of any cells and leave her healthy and cancer free. Lord God I plead with you to let her healing bring faith to so many...let it be evidence of your power. I thank you Lord that you love her more than I ever could. Please Lord, heal her body and mind. Bring her peace. I pray for her doctor Lord that you would give him precision and wisdom. I pray for steady hands and for him to be gentle and efficient...that he would see her for who she is and not just another number...the amazing woman of God that she is and take the care any of us would take of her. I pray for people everywhere to lift her up to you and to pray for a miracle. Lord heal her. I know you are able to do all things. Make her healthier than she was before...you are good. Help me to trust in you. Forever trust in you...with my heart...with finding a husband. Lord heal my own heart from the past pain...help me to walk into freedom. I need you to be the center of who I am. I need you to be the center of my life. I need your love. I need your hope. I need your strength because I have nothing left. Be my everything. Help me be strong for my mom. Lord God I need her. Please know how much i need her. I love you. Thank you for hearing my heart. I believe your healing has begun, even now. You are faithful.
Father God help me to trust you. Lord God heal my mom. I pray Father that you touch her with your mighty hand and remove any cancer...any trace of any cells and leave her healthy and cancer free. Lord God I plead with you to let her healing bring faith to so many...let it be evidence of your power. I thank you Lord that you love her more than I ever could. Please Lord, heal her body and mind. Bring her peace. I pray for her doctor Lord that you would give him precision and wisdom. I pray for steady hands and for him to be gentle and efficient...that he would see her for who she is and not just another number...the amazing woman of God that she is and take the care any of us would take of her. I pray for people everywhere to lift her up to you and to pray for a miracle. Lord heal her. I know you are able to do all things. Make her healthier than she was before...you are good. Help me to trust in you. Forever trust in you...with my heart...with finding a husband. Lord heal my own heart from the past pain...help me to walk into freedom. I need you to be the center of who I am. I need you to be the center of my life. I need your love. I need your hope. I need your strength because I have nothing left. Be my everything. Help me be strong for my mom. Lord God I need her. Please know how much i need her. I love you. Thank you for hearing my heart. I believe your healing has begun, even now. You are faithful.
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