Finding My Voice

It had been about 9 months since I had seen my outpatient dietitian. Nine months of intense physical, emotional, and spiritual warfare. Nine months of wondering if there really is a light at the end of the tunnel...or if this eating disorder will always be a weight resting heavy upon my shoulders, contributing it's opinion to every bite I take and reflection of myself I see. I got into her office and hardly remembered the girl I was all the months ago. She was worn out and lifeless. She was depleted of hope, nutrition, and passion. She was a mere skeleton of the person I once was. She was hallow.
I have a tendency to look back with nostalgia at the size of pants I used to wear and the bones that proved to the world that I was strong, self disciplined, and in control. I remember the lack of emotion with envy, wishing I could feel the rush of a run with nothing in me to burn...the physical pain that i could push past, making it appear that nothing could touch me...that I was more powerful then the average person. I didn't need the life essential things most people don't have the self discipline to resist. I look back with pride at my ability to tell myself what I could or could not have...even when my body depended on those things to sustain life. I look back thinking how powerful I must have felt. How strong. How free. Its then that the little voice of truth, which longs to be a roar, comes in to remind me that things weren't quite as beautiful as I optimistically recall. I can choose to walk back into the seduction of an abusive lover who claims things have changed...or I can choose to remember the black eyes and broken ribs and see that the word love meant nothing at all. Promises of adoration tangled around thorns and bruises can only leave you feeling ashamed and abandoned. I got to the point where the eating disorder didn't even need to open it's mouth. It's demeaning words had birthed something within me that grew with each passing day...it's words became my words...it's silent threats screamed at my weakness. "You disgusting whore. You pretend to be pure and naive when really your body has brought grown men to arousal since you were a child. You worthless piece of shit...you can only hope to hide within the flesh, the skin that hides your filth. All you have to offer is a pretty face... if they knew the truth no one would want you...no one would love you...and really who could blame them? Why would anyone choose the worn down ugly prostitute when they could have someone beautiful...someone worth loving. If you eat they will see your weakness. Your arms will grow and your checks will swell and they will look at you with pity, with disgust. They will hide their children from you hoping you don't rub off on their family. I am the only thing that gives you a chance to start over...to forget your past and to become desirable, to earn love. I watch your calories. I know if you take even a bit of something you aren't allowed to have. I am always watching and you will never know when I will appear to expose you. You need me to live, to breath, to survive."
I would be lying if I said I still don't glance over my shoulder in fear from time to time...watching for it's truth to become reality. But it's voice has started to weaken...the food I place in my stomach each day seems to starve it of power, as though it was feeding off of my emptiness. The scary thing about returning to my dietitians office today was to hear her point out the areas where I still allow it to speak. She can recognize it's voice...when I have genuinely convinced myself that I have denounced all its lies, or at least that I am aware when I am speaking them as truth. There is a feeling of powerlessness that comes when I realize that I am still at times being deceived by it's sweet whispers... when it is insisting that it has changed. "It's ok," I genuinely explain to my dietitian. "It had said it will only give me good things and it won't demand anything from me anymore. It just wants to still be a small part of my life...I mean after all, it loves me." It's a lie she says boldly. You can't have both. She points out contradictions in what it says it will do and reminds me that with the eating disorder it really is all or nothing. I agree with her in frustration, ashamed that I fell for its lies once more. She reminds me how far I have come in 9 months...and that being able to really hear and act based on accurate perspective of reality is progress. And she is right. Long term change doesn't come in leaps and bounds. The times I grow the most are the times I have to walk each step, giving me a visual reminder of why I am walking away in the first place. Each step gives me the opportunity to make the decision once more to keep moving forward. The more often I make the decision, the more empowered I am to see that I have a choice...and that there is power in that alone. Anorexia will never give me strength. Strength comes from finding that I have a voice...and that true love will never take that voice away.

A letter to Me...Fight for Freedom

When I was in treatment for my eating disorder last summer we were expected to complete an assignment before we could "graduate" from the program. The assignment was to write a letter to ourselves from the stand point of recovery, that we could read if we started to relapse, reminding ourselves that freedom is worth the fight and that the eating disorder will do nothing except destroy you. I was looking through my journal tonight, getting ready to write out the thoughts in my head...and I found this assignment tucked inside the middle. Even though I am not in a place of relapse right now I found it to be such an encouraging reminder of the trade off I make when I choose to go back to restricting. So, I thought I would type it out...have it saved in a place I won't lose it or forget it...a place where it could possibly bring hope to someone else spiraling out of control, giving in to the monster we call an eating disorder.

Dear Bethany,

Take a deep breath and relax for a minute. Even though the world is feeling out of control right now remember that the eating disorder will only make things feel worse in the long run. You have worked so hard for recovery. It took you weeks for your stomach to even adjust to having food inside of it. Before treatment, while you were so deep in your eating disorder, you were miserable. You daily wanted to end your life. You were constantly depressed and exhausted. I know you must feel helpless right now. You probably feel alone and like there is no one in the world you can trust. It's ok that you feel this way, but hear me say that it's not true. You have to turn things around and you don't have to do it alone. Think back to the days before treatment. Do you remember how hopeless you felt? You didn't have enough energy to have friendships or relationships. You were constantly annoyed with everyone around you. No one trusted you with anything important...not even their friendship. Do you remember the feeling of a feeding tube being shoved through your nose, down your throat and into your stomach? Do you remember the stares of the people everywhere you went. Do you remember how children were afraid of you and parents didn't trust leaving their children with you? Do you remember the constant whispering and the embarrassed grown ups apologising for their children asking blunt and "improper" questions. You were too tired and depressed to think about pouring out the love of Christ into the lives of others. You couldn't manage thinking about finishing your degree or mentoring younger girls...you didn't think you would live that long. Pain filled every single day and you really thought the eating disorder was making it bearable...it was the only thing keeping you safe. That was a lie. The eating disorder surrounded you with emptiness. It kept you alone. It made you drown daily in fear. You thought anorexia was your mask which made you desirable...made you lovable. But it never gave you love. It never gave you hope. It never gave you worth. It stole everything from you...your pride, your self worth, your confidence...it told you that you would die without it...and in all reality you were dying by staying inside of it. No number was low enough. Every number reminded you that you were fat, disgusting, and lazy. Ed promised that you would feel beautiful...but the thinner you got the more worthless you felt. If you start restricting it won't take long to fall back into it. All Ed needs is one grasp on your ankle, and you are pulled under before you can change your mind. You will stop going out with people and stop returning phone calls. When people hold you accountable you will get defensive and before long you will want to move away...find a place where everyone will just leave you alone. But that will kill you. Hear me say it will destroy your life. Nothing is worth going back. Nothing is worth the shame and pain and hatred the eating disorder brings. I know the eating disorder numbs you from the searing pain of the abuse, the pain of loss. I know you desperately want your past to fade away, for life to be lived as if it didn't happen. But it did happen. But you have already survived it. Face it so that one day you can be set free from it. You want to get married one day. You want to have kids...and you know you will be an amazing mom. You know you have dreams buried inside of you...and they are within your reach...much closer than you can see. There is joy. Life is worth living. You know you want to touch the world and you know that it's possible. You know the eating disorder is selfish and is simply a way to stop feeling the emotion that is deep inside of you.

You made so much progress in treatment. You worked so hard to get your life back. God has so much more for you than an eating disorder. You have so much to offer this world. Satan has been pulling the strings of your mind to lure you away from the safety of Gods grace...His acceptance...His love. Spit in his face. He only wants you alone and helpless...he only wants you dead. Run to the Lord...even if you don't feel like it. Tell Him your heart and ask Him to help you. Stop restricting. Stop exercising outside of your agreed contract. Think about all the people before treatment who looked you in the eyes and cried to you in fear of the nearness of your funeral. Going back isn't an option. The flashbacks and the abuse are hard to face...but they are unto freedom. Cling to the Lord. Hold on to the people He has surrounded you with. Hold onto HIS truth..the only real truth...that in Him ALONE you have been set free. Fight for your life. You deserve it.

Learning to love you,
Bethany

love

As I lay in bed tonight I wonder if the last week of my life was real...or if it was simply a beautiful dream. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I have felt light. Maybe not physically, but within my heart and my soul,there was freedom. My heart danced and sang to a song I had only heard about...the melody of being in love. If I was on the outside looking in I would think the situation was totally crazy. I would think I was insane to believe I could fall in love so quickly...that I could be this sure in only 7 days. I can't explain it with words or convince anyone of its truth...but ask anyone who witnessed moments, days, conversations... they would tell you it's undeniable. I say its only been one week but that really isn't true. My whole family told me within days that they knew He was the one. I have been talking to him for about 2 months now. Emails, messaging via text and online, phone calls...all had built the road to last Monday night. And within an hour, I knew. I just knew. Going back to Nashville on Wednesday is going to be a challenge. Him leaving the country every other week is going to be a challenge. BUT, we both know that this week of what my sister likes to call "speed dating" is just the beginning. We may "know" but we both have alot of growth to do before the wedding will ever happen. ALOT of personal pain we both have to fight through...we both agree that rushing into something isn't practical right now. So we are going to go through this dance, this process, this adventure together. And we are going to enjoy the sweetness of new love.

The thing that amazes me the most in this whole thing is how much knowing you are really going to get married and have a family one day takes the pressure off. I don't feel like I have to worry anymore about how to find this person... and when I sit and think about how much time I wasted worrying...when God knew the whole time. The WHOLE time. Its an awakening to me of how far I have to go in trusting the Lord. I like to tell myself that its not that I don't trust God...its more that I just like to be in the loop to know the timing...which is exactly the piece that makes the word faith to be faith.

These days have been humbling as well as amazing. They have brought up a past im not proud of and an addiction that I know has the power and ability to destroy this relationship if i am not careful. It has shown me places of denial in my life, places of insecurity, of lust, of pride. It has shown me that the facade I present to the world of being the perfect Christian means nothing when its filled with holes through which sin will spill out. At the very same time the last week has shown me of my ability to love deeply, to enjoy family and friends and life...the ability to be myself and to be desired because of that. To be flawed and "used" and totally human...and yet to be someones answer to prayer. It is truly amazing. I have seen the heart of a man this week that is desperate to follow Christ. I have seen us as fellow believers come to the Lord together, as sinners saved by grace, needing grace and redemption and guidance in how to walk out this relationship. I have seen a man who treats women with love, with patience, and with respect. A man who hears the word no and stops without question. He is such an amazing blessing in my life.

I know this isn't my typical blog entry. I know this isn't an update on food or eating...but I hope it's a blessing to be reminded that in a world filled with pain the Lord brings abundance where there has been famine. He brings restoration where there has been great loss. He lavishes joy and love, even when we make mistakes. God has had me so tightly in his hands and knew this week would come...I truly never had to worry about my future...because He placed the desires of my heart into my heart...and He is a God who loves to give to His children...in HIS timing...His perfect timing. In good times and bad...God is good. In trial and blessing...God is powerful. In loss and in plenty...God is in control..

I know there is always a chance I could be wrong...but regardless, I am so thankful for the goodness of the Lord. I am so thankful for a week of easy breathing, after a year of pain and hard work. I am so blessed and so undeserving...I am so thankful for the gift of life through Jesus... I am so thankful that He is everything I need...and yet He chooses to bless us with relationships of all kinds. I am so thankful that apart from Christ there is no good thing...and that in Him I have the hope of glory.