who am I?

The question of the day at church was who do you proclaim yourself to be...who do you see yourself as? The reality is that I am not who I see myself, I am who Christ says I am. Mike Glenn talks about the courtroom in his mind where he sat and was his own biggest prosecutor. He asked us who we would make claim to be. I sat and thought of the long list that came to mind. Failure. Addict. Never enough. Always too much. Bound with chains to anorexia and feeling like I will never be strong enough to be free. Hopeless. Selfish. And the list went on and on. And there is truth in every one of those statements. The enemy could present a case before God Almighty and be accurate with each one of those words. But I am so incredibly thankful that it doesn't end there. Jesus stepped in front of me, in front of God, and took the blame for each on of those things. And now, being bought with HIS blood, He gets to tell me who I am. I am no longer my past. I am no longer my failures. I am no longer the person I see when I look in the mirror. The full truth really is that I don't know who I am...other than knowing I am a child of God.
You see this fresh start in front of my should be looked at with great excitement. I know I have the chance to live the life I have longed to step into for so long. So I guess I don't know why I am so afraid and so skeptical. I guess part of me knows that if I consistently fail here, where I have an amazing treatment team and group of friends...then what chance do I have of succeeding without those things.
God used to speak to me with pictures all the time. I used to have these "visions" of sorts and for a long time I feel like they have disappeared. Today, in the stillness of the prayer time, I saw a picture. It started as me being face to face with Jesus. I was sweating and crying and freaking out, thinking I was going to die. I couldn't help but look around me but it was dark. Jesus kept putting his hand on my face and turning me back to him and would simply say, keep your eyes on me. Don't look down or to the side, watch my eyes and I will lead you. The fear didn't diminish. The sweat didn't stop pouring down my cheeks. But in desperation I willed myself to focus on Him. As I did the scene started getting small and a greater perceptive of where I was became more clear. I was up high walking on a thin stretch on land between two mountain tops. There was enough room for my feet to stand with maybe an inch on either side. The wind swayed me and in fear I wanted to lay down and inch along on my belly. I was holding onto Jesus who was walking backwards guiding me. He didn't sway or lose his balance. He was a rock...I was the one who kept tipping from side to side. And if I just held onto him and stayed close, He would shield the wind from hitting me.
Mike Glenn often talks about how it is silly for us to be frustrated that Jesus provides the only way out. To compare it to being in burning building and being trapped in a room huddled on the floor... and then to hear the voice of a fire fighter extending his hand and saying i know the way out. We wouldn't get angry at him and ask who he thought he was to tell me there was only one way out. We wouldn't thank him for his offer but wait and see if we can find an alternate route. No, we would desperately hold onto his hand and let him lead us out. Yet I get frustrated. I want there to be a way for my way to work and I get so angry at the thought of "needing" a savior. You see I don't want to need anyone... because with need comes power and there has been quite a few people who have used that power to strip me and beat me... and leave me cold and broken. I am so angry at the brokenness of this life that I allow my pride to keep me from embracing and enjoying any part of it. There has to be life beyond this. This can't possibly be as good as it gets. But I have to ask myself how desperate I am to find it and take hold of it and risk losing everything for it.
I know this wasn't all too cohesive. I know there was little clarity or hope offered from these words. But as long as they stay trapped within my mind I am held captive to their echoes. I will end with two songs, both of which are totally random... but have struck my heart in unique ways this week. The first is called Learning to Live Again by Garth Brook... this was the only actual Garth Brooks recording I could find



The second is by Martine McBride called Anyway

Statue

I was at Kairos tonight and during worship one of the leaders read a verse from 2 Corinthians. It was a verse I have heard many times before but this time it was read from a different translation that I was used to. It said,
"It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us." (2 Corinthians 4:6-7 MSG)
I wasn't sure what it was exactly that stirred me so much about that. I mean other than the fact that its a beautiful thing really. The idea that we are so ordinary and God is so amazing and He chooses to reside within each one of us. But there was something about the analogy of a clay pot that brought tears to my eyes. If you think about a clay pot that was in perfect form it would be difficult to really see light that was inside of it. But take one with cracks and holes missing and the light floods out. Ok, so stay with me. At the end of the message tonight Mike Glenn, the pastor, was talking about eternity... living forever. I have always had issues with the thought of living forever. There is something so final and so exhausting about there never being an end. And tonight as He was talking about God's deep love for us and how He has the heart of a Father for us, my heart felt like it was breaking. I had this picture in my head of a statue, made of clay. Me, in a mold with a smile on my face, appearing to be happy and beautiful... and yet there was blood pooling at my feet. Bleeding from within. It's a disturbing picture, I know. But there is something so frustrating about life in that I can't figure out the magic secret that bring joy to life and makes it real. I have moments where I feel it. I have glimpses of hope, of running free with abandon...and then the darkness always settles back in and in a moment, its gone. I am back to being frozen, a statue. Trapped in a moment of time...alive but cold, as good as dead. I just can't help but feel like I am going through the motions of life praying that the bleeding will stop before its too late. I know that no one had ever died of a broken heart...and my heart isn't broken from a failed relationship. I feel like there is something from inside of me that has shattered and I have spent all these years trying to make it appear that I am the person I portray to this world while I am silently trying to piece together something that has been shattered beyond repair. I guess my fear is that this brokenness could be a blessing...it could be what allows the light of Christ to shine out of me and be used to point others to my Savior...but that I am so determined to make myself appear flawless that I am covering up what makes me unique. I just am not sure I believe I can be free from this pain...this sickness. I want so desperately to walk away from the voice of the eating disorder, from the voice of Satan, and stop believing the lies of darkness. I want so much to heal, to live, to love. I guess my heart's desire is that I can stop covering the brokenness in order to be the person I want to be...and instead live as the person I am, believing that one day being real will lead me to the path of the person I long to be. I want to become alive before I turn to stone...I don't want to be eternally frozen as the person I pretended to be while never experiencing the joy I believe the Lord wants to give me. I don't understand the path He has taken me...one which I am sure I have made many wrong turns independent of His leading. I don't know why I am the way I am or why it is that my heart is so perpetually heavy. I don't know why it is so hard for me to be real, be flawed. All I know is that if I live as I am now, though I have come a long way from where I was, I will still end up far from the place my heart desires...because I am still so stuck on presenting who I want to be instead of who I am.



Lord bring my heart to life. Help me to be so enmeshed with you that I lose myself and when others see me, they see you. God I long to be free. Set me free of the statue I present to the world and help me become the person who you have created me to be. Lord God I long to know your joy in a deeper way. I am so thankful that I am not who I was...and that you will use the brokenness in my life to show your glory. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.