I don't have words to describe the way I am feeling. I feel so much so intensely and yet have no ability to communicate those feelings in connection to life around me. I feel totally detached and yet so overwhelmed that i can think, can't breath...can't stand waiting another moment for some relief. Its that feeling you get when there is 3 seconds left on the clock and you are down by one and have the ball...when the result of a medical test determines if someone you love is going to make it...when you know everything around you is about to change...and yet for the rest of the world things just keep passing right by. Its those moments where you wish more than anything you could rewind it and go back in time and choose a different path...you relive those small decisions over and over again and will yourself to have made different decisions. Its the moments where you sit and stare at two options before you...and you wonder if there is a third one which will let you sleep forever. I was on the phone to a lady from Magnolia Creek today trying to get her the medical release from my doctor that she needs in order to admit me on thursday...and it as been such a process to try and get this paperwork faxed over. So finally I got most of the stuff to her and she said to me, wow, you must feel like you have weights on your shoulders. Yeah, I told her. I really do.
I have never felt this afraid of what I am walking into. I have never felt so alone, yet so totally surrounded. I have never felt so guilty and ashamed of where I am at...and of the decisions, my decisions, that have led me to this point. What people don't understand is that this is my greatest fear...to me this is the great unknown. Letting go of all control, all privacy, all respect, and all dignity. I am walking away from the greatest support I have ever known...from attachments I thought I would never want to have. I am forcing myself to trust people that I don't even know...that don't know me at all. I am hurting and so incredibly afraid and I have to go into this next part alone. I know I have the Lord but I am not going to lie...that feels so scary. I am seeing I know Him more now...but being alone, just me and Him is a whole different story. I have spent so much of my life depending on myself...and now that I have finally found a safe place I am walking into hell...into the fire...through the fire. There is a song by JJ Heller called Only Love Remains. It says,
"You burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth. The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth. I begin to see reality for the first time in my life. I know that I'm a shadow but Im dancing, in your light."
I know that the things being burned off of me are things that really are only holding me down...I am just so afraid. I am so afraid of losing the family that is all around me. I am afraid of losing it all. I am afraid of losing the bethany I have hidden behind for so long...so afraid that what will be left won't be desirable at all...and that all my walls will be gone. I will be exposed for what I am...and that I will be alone.
Lord God, I give you this time. I give you this journey I am about to take. Lord you have led me this far and I pray Lord that your hand and your voice alone would guide me along these steps. Lord be my provision. Be the comfort in the darkness. Be the hope that brings me through the pain. Be in the therapist, the staff, and the women I meet...remind me each day that you are there...and that I am not going alone. I want to walk beside you instead of pulling you behind me Lord. I don't want to run ahead of you or be dragged behind you. I want to take each step with you. Be my strength when I have none. Be my courage when I can't take another step. Give me hope when it feels like all is lost. I pray Lord that as I go into this cocoon you would take who I was before and transform me into the new creation you desire for me to be. When it feels like I am dying Lord remind me that you offer new life...and new mercy everyday. Help me walk through the pain and face it...teach me how to walk arm and arm with you. You are more than enough. My heart doesn't know that but truth remains...you are MORE than enough. Heal me Lord. Heal me for your glory.
