Tied to a balloon

It's 2 am and I am wide awake. Pictures on my walls are suddenly quite interesting as I get lost in my thoughts, my busy mind. I sit and contemplate life as a whole...wondering why I long for a definition that has no backing, no authority. "Normal" I speak out loud. A word with a million definitions, none of which can truly define each individuals perception. The meaning of the word changes without warning, condemning me for my lack of ability to follow the rules with ease...flawless precision. I should be able to know the way normal will be at each step in my journey...my lack of adaption only further proving my distance, showing me how out of reach it remains. I hang my head low, ashamed at my inability to be perfect...to be wanted...to be seen. I don't need anyone else to point it out or to punish me...God knows I do a better job of that then any other person ever could.

Then I start to wonder, after years and years of failure, if the bridge I have searched for all my life doesn't exist. I wonder if this illusive place, this beautiful destination, has ever been achieved...and if it has, is it as wonderful as the advertisement claims to be? I begin to wonder if I have been reaching for something that is beyond my ability to grasp. I wonder if my lack of ability to become who I NEED to be isn't due to a lack of effort or talent or love or desire.... I simply wonder if my inability to find normal is that much like the wizard in the land of oz...it doesn't really exist. Could I be expending so much energy searching for an imaginary destination that I am missing out on reality, true life...messy, unique, out of order and upside down at times...but a tangible place where my story can be made beautiful.

A pink balloon...tied to my wrist...its beauty captivating. It remains in the air above me with every turn and twist in the road. At times the wind will push it away but the string is tied so tightly that I can always pull it back in, allowing myself to fixate once more on its magical presence. The problem is that its helium will only last for a short time. It's life so to speak short lived. I could spend my life with a balloon tied to my wrist, always changing balloons before its magic is gone...always trying to conform myself to a life with it tied to my arm, following me wherever i go...following me when its not convenient. Grocery shopping,taking a shower, going to a movie theater...all strangely awkward. But the balloon on my wrist is beautiful and I'm sure it must be worth all its inconveniences...after all, its beautiful.

There comes a day when I face the choice of leaving the balloon behind and embracing reality as it is...without the beauty and magic the balloon brought...or I remain on the other end of the leash. As I slowly untie the string on my arm tears well up in my eyes, there is grief in my loss of what I thought would make me happy. Its hard to let go of something that has been attached to me for so long.I hold my arm out stretched, as high as my fingers can reach...the balloon barely within my grasp...and then in a moment it is gone. The beauty flying high into the clouds...soaring away, dancing in the wind. As tears roll down my face I turn to walk away and am struck by the ease of my movement. I am no longer attached, weighed down. I find that in my letting go...I am free.

entertaining elephants

I guess I haven't written lately because I don't feel like there is much left to say. I know what I have to do and feel as if words have become an excuse...a justification for things left undone...goals that have not been met. I have always struggled with the concept of just changing what you believe about something. I used to struggle with it all the time within my relationship with God. People would tell me that I understood God in my mind but that it was clear I hadn't been able to move that head knowledge to my heart. Its such a funny concept. How do you logic your way into something that in most ways is an emotional shift...a knowing within the core of who you are. The answer of course is that you can't. As a nanny I have found many concepts over the years that children can grasp much easier than an adult. We know too much for our own good. We have been hardened and calloused by the sin in this world and the free will of man. We can't go back to a time when we knew less so that we can more readily accept the understanding of the heart.
I have found myself struggling with something much the same and yet quite different. Imagine for a minute that you closed your eyes and suddenly you could see yourself ridding an elephant. Its a silly example but stick with me. So you see this so clearly that you can't really tell if you are actually ridding this elephant or if you are standing still, closing your eyes. You can feel the up and down movement of this huge animal walking beneath you. You can feel the texture of its skin and see its truck swatting off flies. The air around you is hot. You hear kids laughing and people talking. Sweat builds on your forehead and you reach to wipe it away. Its silly you think to yourself, I have never ridden an elephant. But you recognize the clothing you are wearing. Something seems very familiar about the whole thing and yet you watch in a slowed first person vantage point, waiting to see what happens next. Then abruptly you open your eyes. There are no elephants. Its the middle of winter and you wipe your forehead to find there is actually sweat that has collected. You blink a few times to check the reality of where you are standing and you contemplate the elephant ride. You have to ask yourself if you created those moments within your mind, or if they are a reality. Why would there be such detail if it was all in my head? But then again how do you believe something that never was, and suddenly call it as if it is.
Now what if it wasn't just an elephant ride. What if it was something far more important? The validity of your memory of the elephant really has very little impact on your life. Who cares if you made it up. Who cares if its all in your head. It's just a ride on an elephant. But what if the memory brought with it information that not only deeply impacts your life...but also places huge accusations on someone else. Its no longer just affecting my life...its now leaking into the lives of those around me. Years have passed. People change. So what do you do about something that demands to be faced and yet offers no proof...its my word against theirs...and lets be serious...who would believe me?

So I get frustrated. I tell myself to choose already. Just decide if its real or not and stick with it. I should be able to do this by now. I should be able to keep moving forward. And instead I keep waiting for the journey to hit flat even ground. I am tired of the hills and the mountains and the valleys...I just want some time to run in the beauty of whats around me...the new found life that promised joy, hope, and freedom. I don't want to face elephants. I don't know how to make myself believe something that I have no concrete memory or evidence to prove. I don't know how to change the understanding of my heart. There is no amount of logic that can talk me into true belief. True belief comes from an experiential revelation... a shifting with in the heart. I have been lied to far too many times to just believe something because its presented to me as fact. It's exhausting to think about. Its exhausting to hold onto. When something comes into the light there is a new found responsibility to act based on the reality of what is before you. You can't go back to not knowing. You can't pretend it away. When it was buried in the depths of your heart you couldn't have responsibility for responding accordingly. But once it slips into the light its there for all to see. You can't logically take what is and call it as if its not. But how do you know that what you have seen is real? How do you have a flashback and yet have no concrete memory. But the problem remains... you can't hide an elephant in your living room and pretend its not there. You have seen it. You see it everyday. I guess you could pretend you don't see it...but eventually you would ave a dead elephant lying on your floor...not being strong enough to move it on your own, it lays there, untouched. I guess my only choice really is to make friends with the elephant. Feed him. Figure out why He is there...and how to walk him back to return him to where he belongs. He had to get in there somehow...but the sooner you stop pretending he isn't there, the sooner you can get your living room back in order. It may be hard to get rid of that smell...who knows it may smell a little strange forever...but anything is better than having a dead elephant in your living room. So I guess I keep walking. Its too late to turn around. I like to believe I have less in front of me to face than what I have already been through.

I don't really have too many encouraging words. I'm worn out...ready for a break...ready for the elephants to leave me alone...ready for them to return to where they belong.