watching the world pass me by

I don't have a feeling to describe the way I feel. Instead I have a picture, a situation per say... and that picture embodies my voice, attempts to communicate in my lack of words. Its a scene in a movie I have seen many times. A person in some shape or fashion takes a physical step backwards... within a busy street with people walking every which way to get to work or school or families at home. Everyone is in a hurry and talking on their phones or texting and trying to catch a taxi. But the character steps back and though they are standing still the world around them goes into some sort of fast forward...as if life just keeps moving and changing and somehow, mentally- which is being portrayed physically- they are separated from reality and time, and deep within themselves they are standing still. Body frozen in place, eyes staring blankly into the distance...in a way which would lead you to believe you could look straight into her soul, that is if anyone noticed she was there at all.

That's how I feel. Separated by my own lack of movement yet not able to fully withdraw from the reality which are the demands and expectations of an everyday life. Avoiding eye contact, avoiding heart contact...hoping to somehow come back to life in time to catch up with the world around me. Sand falling to indicate my number of breaths is running out. Lost inside a tunnel where a small dot of light is visible...yet seemingly too far away to get to before its too late. My mind completely still and simultaneously racing to the rhythm of my pounding heart. Screaming with no noise. Crying with no tears. Silence so loud it can drive you insane.

There is a song out right now by Rascal Flats called Easy. The exact content of the song doesn't parallel my situation, in terms of it all being about a broken relationship, but the concept fits perfectly. We, or I guess I should say "I" go through life trying to make living seem effortless. I try as hard as I can to be the version of myself I so desperately want to be. I work hard. I portray confidence and lightness. I say the right things at the right times and I laugh off pain as though it is nothing but a slight discomfort in my otherwise blessed life. The line of the song that I so relate to is this,

"But what she, what she don't know.
Is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy."

I so relate to that. I work so hard to make it look like living life is easy. That to love deeply is easy. That working hard and laughing light and taking risks is so easy...when in all reality I am stuck inside a heart that blocks out the world around me. I am the girl stepping back as the rest of the world passes by...staring blankly through the deep sadness, the heavy heart, the fear and the hopeless ambivalence.

All I really want is to be loved deeply...to be known fully, and to be worth fighting for. And the crazy thing is that deep love, undeserved worth, that hope is standing right in front of me. Its so real and so beautiful and yet feels so hard to embrace...to trust...to get used to. Christ thought I was worth fighting for. He loved me enough to see me in the depth of my sin and fight to bring me back to him...he loved me too much to let me go...to reap the consequence of my mistakes. Everyday He offers me that gift of grace. Moment by moment he offers his hand to walk me through...and more often than not I turn away in shame...because to be loved, to be known, is too painful. Which kinda bring me to the second rascal flatts song called I won't let go. I believe the chorus of that song is the Lord's heart for us...his deep desire for us to know that we are never alone.

I wish it was just that easy. To open yourself to love. To be known and be embraced for it. To accept the past in order to make it stop torturing the present. To let tears fall without shame. To put words to the unspeakable. To stop the cycle. To be whole. To be free.

I believe there is hope that is worth fighting for. Even when I can't feel it...even when I can't see it. Even when I am frozen in time, watching the world pass me by...I hold tight to the promise that with Christ nothing is impossible.

Better than a Hallelujah

Now matter where I am in my life it seems as though there is some other place I would like to be. When I was in Nashville I always thought moving home would fix the perpetual loneliness...because surly when you are living with your family there is never a moment to be alone...causing one to conclude there will be a lack of loneliness. It's easy to forget that loneliness is a place deep inside the core of who you are and isn't fixed with the presence of other people. Now that I am here in California I long for the days when I was in Nashville, thinking at least there I had friendships and relationships with people I loved and trusted. So I sit here perplexed because I can't seem to grasp the skill of being content. It is as though if I were to stop long enough to take in the moment, my lack of movement would cause the very beauty of the season to crumble beneath my feet.

Last night I was painting at a pottery place finishing up a dog bowl I was making for Bella. I had started it weeks before and hadn't quite finished the detailing I was doing on the sides and some of the stenciling needed a second coat. So I sat as still as I possibly could focusing all my attention into the precision of tracing back over the fancy letters that marked the bowl with her name. My hands were shaking and it took so much concentration to dip the tip of the brush into a tiny amount of paint and gently darken the paint already in place. I thought about the patience that was being required of me. I thought about how slow I had to go in order to get the result I wanted. And as I sat and listened to Amy Grant's "Better than a Hallelujah" my eyes welled up with tears. I am so careless with my life. I take things that are so fragile and delicate...my heart, my recovery, my trust and I refuse to slow down and with shaky hands brush by brush build upon the way I want my life to turn out. Instead I choose any brush and throw some paint onto a tray and hope the colors and textures match up...and then am honestly so surprised when the result is far from beautiful...far from how I envisioned it to be. I treat myself as though I am a useless piece of art with no hope of ever becoming something worthy to be seen. I throw away the tears and the sweat and the intense pain I have already placed into making my life free from the grasp of my past...I take the value that others have marked me with and have beat myself down to something no one would want...because at least then I won't be hurt by the worth at which I am appraised.

Its been a hard week. At times I refuse to write in order to preserve the image people have of me. I want people to think I am doing great and fantastic. That I have my shit together and that I am somehow different than the girl they remembered me to be. I fear forever being the hopeless cause...the girl who never got better because she was too stubborn to take responsibility for her life. And the funny thing is that my version of taking responsibility is taking responsibility for everything and everyone...or refusing the existence of things that would give someone else the responsibility over me. Have you ever had the pleasure of having a debt collector call you repeatedly? They leave intimidating messages or have people call with beautiful accents and threaten to take everything you own if you don't do what they say you must. Well instead of facing these people. Telling them what I can do to work toward the goal we both have, I refuse to answer my phone. I put my phone on silent and I feel sick every time I see their missed calls. I refuse to listen to their messages and hope that if i ignore them long enough they will give up on me and leave me alone. The problem is that it normally just doesn't work that way. It is a battle of wills and they are being paid to settle this so in all reality they have alot more motivation than I do to keep calling until they get what they want. This is exactly how I live my life when it comes to the painful things that keep my sick. This week I have felt the weight of some of my fears. Perceived abandonment or major change. Feeling so alone... people who once held you close are now holding you at arms length. After days of pulling away, trying to show them that I am not that hard to love, I open up my heart in total fear and vulnerability only to find that arms length is now the stance of our relationship and that my fears have been seemingly confirmed. Terrified. I spend so much of my life running from this very feeling all because of how deeply it tore my life apart. I see the anger that comes up inside of me which immediately turns to fear and regret and I start asking for forgiveness when there is nothing to be forgiven for. I have learned to operate out of always assuming I am doing something wrong and taking responsibility for things I can't control. And part of me thinks its this very attitude that keeps me alone and constantly fighting an uphill fight...every time I fall I roll back to the bottom and start from the beginning all over again. And I start to ask myself what it is that makes someone so afraid...like when a dog cowers at any raised voice or raised hand. You wonder what they have walked through that has taught them there is a need for their reaction.

So as I struggle to find a place to rest my head from the insanity that has become my life I pour out my heart before the Lord praying that, as it says in Amy Grants song, a broken heart and deep longing for His touch would be "better than a hallelujah."


*** Lord God I pray for my heart to be open to love, to be open to change, and be open to following you with total abandon. I pray that you would help me turn this path, this heart, and this life around as a testimony of your power and to bring glory to you alone. I pray Lord that instead of running from the people you have placed in my life to help me walk through this pain that you would give me the courage to push past the fear and walk with courage...and allow my heart to be healed through the love and relationship that is being given. Help me know that my hope is in you alone.***