Outside of the walls is a battlefield. The sound of gun shots fill the air as people scream, pleading for their lives to be spared. Women and children are raped, pinned to the ground, crying for their release.Blood coats the streets and predators lurk, waiting for weaknesses to be exposed. When it is time she crawls through the brick wall disguised as a fireplace in an abandoned building outside the city walls. She is covered from head to toe in a black cloak, her cloak of invisibility. There are rules to stay invisible, to stay safe and unseen as she indulges in her nightly routine. She follows them meticulously, as if her life, and the lives of those she loves depend on it...because they do. It is midnight, and she has an hour to accomplish all that she must do. She walks the abandoned streets, gathering crumbs as she goes, only to return to her cage within the hidden walls, return to her only known source of safety. In the midnight hour she gathers small pieces of the glow of the moon, the only light she has available to her, crumbs to place in the basket she carries. Her first stops are the houses of the ones she loves, getting close enough to feel their presence, but never chancing them really seeing her in return. There are nights where she indulges, peering into the windows and watching them sleep and she feels comfort in their safety. She takes those crumbs and places them in her basket. The next stop is the marketplace. During the day vendors line the streets, selling fresh fruits and vegetables, meat, and baked goods. She knows there are others like herself so she picks up only her share of the scraps,never taking more than she deems fair. Perhaps an apple that has fallen to the ground or pieces of bread that have been left behind. On a special night she might find a full loaf someone intentionally left behind. She breaks off a small portion, leaving the rest for those in need. She takes those crumbs and adds them to her collection. The next stop is where the stray animals gather, or perhaps the small orphans with no other place to call home. Even they, as mammals, find comfort on the unity of their fellow unwanted or abandoned group. She takes pieces off the break or the fruit she has brought and offers them food. She nourishes and holds each one, even returning to the marketplace if she runs out. She soaks in the comfort and touch the animals and children provide and places those crumbs inside her basket. The midnight hour is almost over and she has one last stop to make before returning to her cage. Quietly, silently, she makes her way to his house, to the darkness that has banished her from the city walls. She can hear the screams before she can even see the light from his windows and she remembers her own. When a young child’s voice pleads in the night air she falls to her knees, frozen in place. She listens there every night to remind herself of the reason she seeks refuge in her cold caged walls...to remind herself of the pain, the suffering, the cost of the light, and she takes those crumbs and adds them to her basket. Little does she know that the screams she hears are only those that live inside of her, the child locked inside her own heart. She realizes then that there are only minutes before the clock strikes 1, until she becomes visible to the world around her. She quickly stands and runs toward the abandoned house outside the city gates. She sneaks into the hidden doorway, disguised as a brick fireplace. Then exhausted, she crawls back into her cage. As she begins to drift off to sleep her longings run wild. She longs and is desperate for someone to come to her cage, to hold her as she sleeps amidst the nightmares and the darkness. She longs to be able to lay in the sunlight and feel the warmth of its rays. She longs to go to the marketplace without fear and take the fresh fruits and vegetables, the warm baked goods, and to feed herself before feeding the unwanted. She longs to be connected at all times and to be surrounded by people but not be afraid. The longings begin to feel out of control. She starts to become too desperate, too willing to do whatever it takes to have those desires met. She takes a handful of her crumbs and swallows them, convincing herself they are enough to sustain her cravings because allowing others to know these desires places them in control, allowing them to control and manipulate her. Before she can convince herself that it is worth the risk she reaches over and presses play on the old tape deck beside her head. The screams and gunshots begin to fill the air again and she drifts to sleep as the longings and desires subside. No one wants to live in that world because the danger is unspeakable, that, she reminds herself, is the world of her childhood...His world where he runs free. She lives in a cage, safe and in control of her world. A world of rules and predictability, a world of crumbs that sustain her. It is there that she can live free, trapped only in the prison of her mind.
