shiny paper

Years ago I heard a story in a sermon at church about a tribe of people in Africa that consider money brain to be a delicacy. Its awful, I know, but there is a point to me repeating this, I promise. Well the story went something along these lines...The people who were the hunters of these monkeys had discovered a very interesting trick to capturing them. They would dig very narrow holes in the ground that were deep and wider at the very bottom...just big enough for a monkey to reach their hand down into it. Inside the holes they would put a few pieces of candy and some shiny paper...and then they would leave. Once they left the monkeys would come out and find these holes and reach down into them and grab onto the shiny paper and candy. The problem was that when they made a fist their hand was to wide to bring back up the narrow part of the hole. So instead of letting go and walking away these monkeys would hold onto this paper and candy even to the point of the hunters walking right up to capture them. Their fists would be bloody from trying to pull it up for so long and yet they held so tightly onto something that was empty to begin with. They walked right into the hands of the hunter, holding so tightly on to something that was only, in the end, going to destroy them. Sound familiar? My shiny paper looks better, or so I think. Beauty, control, self sufficiency...they are so much more then just a shiny piece of paper...or are they?
This week I went to see Tiffany on Tuesday and she told me she would like me to go into the hospital on Friday to get nourished and hydrated. I smiled at her, in my mocking sort of way, and told her that was impossible. I had to work this weekend. Things weren't that bad. my weight wasn't that low. I wanted to lose weight and there was no way I was going to go sit in a hospital bed for my weekend when I could be working. The week passed in slow misery as the long days at work sucked all energy from my body. Depression came in as an intoxicating smell willing me to lay down and stop fighting this terrible thing others call life. I talked to other people in my life and tried to be honest with them about the depth of the struggle I was facing...and yet even my optimistic honesty left people telling me I should submit and eat and that I was on the right track...to just keep going. Discouraged I wondered if this was it...maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe this is fighting and this is how it feels to live life. Maybe I am fine and this is what other people feel but it doesn't feel this way to them...I am just freaking crazy. Two weeks ago the Lord started to stir the idea of inpatient treatment. I laughed thinking that was clearly a tactic of the enemy...because that would be choosing the "easy" way out...and as Christians are we supposed to do the hardest thing possible at all times? But then the dreams continued...I would pray and pray and they would just keep coming. So I finally started praying about inpatient and asking the Lord what in the world He was doing...and He led me to the website of a place called Selah House. Its crazy. CRAZY. I would never in a million years tell you this was what I should be doing right now. I have a million reasons not to and very very few reasons why I should...so I prayed about it. I decided if this was the Lord that this place I had randomly found would resonate with others...the first two professionals I talked to said they LOVED Selah House and that it would be their first choice for me to go there. Still I thought...this is weeks and months away...i have so much time to get my crap together. So I met with Tiffany on Friday and through the eyes of a concerned mother she pleaded me to go into the hospital that day. I asked her her thoughts about selah house and she told me to call them that day. So I did...and they were amazing. The problem comes into place with money. Its really really really expensive...and I don't have any way to pay for it. I would be lying if i told you I knew exactly what to be believing the Lord for. I don't know if He just wanted me to walk in obedience to just call them...or if He actually wants me to go there. All I know if that I have been holding onto shiny pieces of paper for a really long time watching as the hunter came closer and closer...but terrified to let go and lose what was in my hand. The tricky part of an eating disorder, or most addictions that have gotten out of hand, is that stopping isn't as easy as just not doing it. Hence the word addiction. I can't help but place a link to the addiction dance from a few seasons ago on so you think you can dance...it in so many ways perfectly describes the battle within me everyday. .
There have been times in my life when I feel like I wake up from a long confusing dream and find myself in a place I didn't even know I was in. I look at my hands and the chains around my wrists and wonder when I allowed myself to enter such bondage. the enemy has wanted me to believe the answer is to simply go back to sleep and keep dreams...but I am seeing that the Lord is saying its time to wake up and face the reality of the chains... seeing that I didn't get there overnight...and that getting out might take some time. I don't know where the Lord is leading...but I know that the way things are going isn't going to lead me to life. I have watched the hunters approach for far too long and the decision of letting go of the shiny paper has to be made. Sometimes the best way to let go of control is but relinquishing it to someone who won't let you return back to the shiny paper in the ground. Treatment isn't a quick fix. Its the beginning of a journey that will equip you for the battle. I don't know the road before me. I just know that the road I am on is certain death. And the reality of that hit me hard this week. I have to go a new way...I don't have a choice anymore. Please be praying for me. I need a financial miracle. Literally. I know the Lord will provide for the path He takes me...but I would love for you to partner with me in faith.

John 15:5-17

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.
“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. This is my command: Love each other.