The last few days have been a bit of a blur. Every time the wind blows I jump, thinking its the Lord moving and doing something. Which often times it might be. However there are other times when I jump at what looks like it must be from the Lord...and don't bother to ask him before I run at the chance of my miracle. I layed in bed last night thinking...a very common thing for me to do these days. Sleep is miles away and my mind races, as if thinking more about things is going to solve the mountain of questions that stand before me. It was then that I felt it. Not shame. Not anger. But the still small voice that came in the quiet of the night...sad, maybe even hurt...asking me why I was seeking the miracle instead of seeking after the one who holds the world in the palm of His hands. Conviction. At some point my desperation stopped being for the Lord and started being for what the Lord could do for me. Seeking a miracle wasn't wrong by any means...but seeking the miracle instead of seeking the Lord made my perspective get lost. The Lord knows better then to provide the miracle when that alone is what we are seeking...because when the miracle has come and gone our hearts toward the Lord aren't any different. He knows that HE is what will give me lasting freedom. Not a treatment center. Not a certain amount of money. Its Him.
He reminded me of a word He gave me a week or two ago. And in looking back I can see that He wasn't talking just about Selah House. He was wanting me to expect from Him the true character of who He is...and to believe Him for the desires He has for my life. So, I thought I would post that word as a reminder to me...to remind myself to seek after the healer instead of the healing. To remember that He is always good and is always in control. That nothing is outside of His reach....and that I am HIS beloved.
So in the midst of a hard week and the probability that this next week will bring with it inpatient treatment I choose to fix my eyes on Jesus.. Hebrews 12:2 says
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
So, I end with the word I felt like the word so clearly spoke to me a few weeks ago and change my gaze from the promise to the one who loves sinful men enough to give HIMSELF as a ransom. He alone is what will change us. He alone is what will heal us. He is faithful. He alone is our hope and our reason to live.
The Lord brought me to Exodus 14:13-16.
13"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." 15 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground."
And then this is what I feel like He said...
My provision isn't inadequate. My supply is rich, full, abundant. It is time to stretch out your hand over the sea and speak that it will part. I didn't lead the Israelites over muddy swampy ground as they crossed the sea- they walked on dry ground. Hold fast to me. I have placed Selah House on your heart for a reason...there is a way. Though it seemed impossible to Moses as He stood at the banks of the red sea I knew the way. Have faith. Know that I see where you are and have not forgotten you. You are at the edge of the sea and it seems as though you are cornered in...but its time to stretch out your hand over the water and watch the sea part before you so that you can cross on dry land. The journey won't be easy. It won't be a quick fix...it will require facing things that will break you...but I will be there weeping beside you. Holding you. You must let them in. You must open your heart and trust me, and trust the process. Tiffany will be here. She will be a part of this for a long time...so don't shut her off when you leave. She loves you...embrace that. Love her...its okay...it won't hurt her. The vulnerability required through this whole process will be painful...but they will walk with you. Be ready for the sea to part...be ready and expectant of dry land. Walk forward knowing that everything about the way you have done life until this point will be changed for the good. No more will you walk around this same mountain. No longer will you fall to this place. You will struggle but you will be equipped to fight and you will be surrounded by warriors who will fight with you...people who are willing to fight with you even until death if ever necessary. You are so loved. This isn't you running. Its following my leading to a place of healing. A places where the busyness of this world will fade away. I love you enough to give you a place of rest. I don't require this to be done in the most challenging "be strong" "barley survive" sort of way. My burden is light...I am giving you this as a chance to heal in safety because it is what is best for you...and as a protective Father I want to give you good and plentiful abundant gifts. You deserve a chance to heal. Money is no obstacle. You are worth all the money in this world. You are a gem. A princess...my daughter...who I will lavish with my care. Stretch out your hands. Pray in faith. Believe this week mountains will move. All you need to do is be still and believe."
1 comment:
B this is so beautifully written. I can truly feel God speaking through your words. I know you wrote for other reasons, but tonight I truly feel God speaking to ME through your words. Our situations may be different, but our desperation so similar. Too similar, really.
Anyways, thank you for taking the time to write this out and offer some encouragement even in the midst of your own desperation. Know you are loved B and this is going to work out. Someway, somehow. Jesus is working here and now.
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