Dangerously Unpredictable

I don't do well with being in the moment. I'm curious. Restless. Easily distracted. I like to run hard through life, always chasing the next moment...always believing what is to come will make up for what is right now...and its easy to do. Trust me. Its one of those times in my life right now...i don't like how it feels to be in the moment. I don't like the decisions I have to make. I don't like the constraints I feel in direct correlation to "self care". I feel weak and pathetic...and maybe a little on the whiny side : ). I'm exhausted. I left Magnolia Creek late Monday afternoon and started at Renfrew today (Tuesday morning). Here is a little not so secret this about me...I hate change. I know, I'm a basket(my Vessels and Flowers plug!), I'm supposed to love change. But I don't. I thrive in routine. I like to sit in the same place everyday, eat the same food and be around the same people. I find so much comfort in consistency and predictability. Which is awesome considering life is pretty much only predictable in the fact that it always changes.
Today was a hard day. Meeting new people and starting a new program is always anxiety provoking. Calculate in the added bonus of a depleted bank account and a doctors order not to work and you pretty much have a panic attacks waiting to happen. Kidding...kinda. That said, I did ok. Don't get me wrong. I didn't enjoy doing any of it. I hate following a meal plan. I hate asking for help. I hate having to make new connections with new people and I hate missing people I really love. So it sucked, but I did it. The biggest dilemma I am running into right now is trying to figure out how the meal plan from the creek and the meal plan at renfrew match up...figuring out what I need to add (or who knows maybe subtract!) to make everything balance out. They don't have a morning snack at Renfrew so upon leaving today the dietitian told me just to add an extra snack to this afternoon....I looked at her like she must be talking to someone else in the room who didn't just discharge from residential the day before. Getting in a snack and dinner on my own was already my challenge...trying to fit in another one was just too much. So, I did the best I could. I ate my dinner. I ate my snack...and even though I feel like I eat way more than anyone else I know, I am still pressing forward.
I was looking at sweet pictures of my precious nieces today...taken back by just how beautiful they really are and it reminded me oh just how much I want to be a mom. My dietitian here in nashville told me once that doing the right thing isn't going to feel good for a long time...and in fact hating what you are doing might actually be a sign you are on the right track. I understood that today. I hated eating my meals. I hated cooking dinner. I REALLY hate having to do dishes after you eat ( I mean seriously is there any perks to making a mess, eating it, and then having to clean it up. Grrrrrrr.). But I have to believe I am on a pathway that will bring the ability to enjoy life in the moment. And I know that starts now. I know I have to start appreciating the things in the here and the now that I am thankful for...so that I am not constantly living my life for the next thing...and never having anything to show for where I am today. And there are so many things I am thankful for. I have amazing roommates. Amazing friends...and an amazing church family standing around me. I am so thankful...more thankful then words can express.

Right now I continue to choose to walk by faith. I am scared and tired and wanting to just have something familiar to hold onto...some form of addiction or dependency to ease the discomfort. But I have to believe that its only through clinging to Christ...and the people He has surrounded me with...and the truth that He has given to me...that I will experience the freedom I long for. I must run with full abandon onto the pathway that is marked dangerously unpredictable. I guess if things get predictable that is a pretty good indicator that I have stepped off the pathway into the great unknown...that I have fearfully cowered to the ease of destruction. Radical change will only come through giant steps of faith...if it was easy, faith wouldn't be required. So, with sleepy eyes I finish writing this, determined to make tomorrow a better day. I am sad, missing the staff and the girls that have been my family for the last 4 months. I am trying to figure out how to be sad and be just that...sad. Not trying to cover it with behaviors and temporary fixations...maybe even letting a few tears fall down my face...because I will no longer live my life trying to make the right now as comfortable as possible. Running from pain has only led me down a pretty colored road straight to a life of bondage and shame. No more. Its time for radical change. Its time to take the road marked dangerously unpredictable... and who knows, in the end, it might be the path that leads me straight to my dreams.