Keep fighting

There are days when I feel paralyzed. I feel trapped within my skin...as if I am totally disconnected from this shell of a body and the life from within me is desperately trying to escape. I guess that's why running away never helps. I keep searching for that next thing...when no matter how fast and far I go, I am still there. It's not that I am failing miserably in my recovery. I actually feel like I am making forward progress. I think in some ways that in and of itself IS what hurts so much. I thought that when I reached this place in recovery I would feel more joy than pain. I thought I would laugh more than cry. I thought I would feel stronger...not more lost and uncertain than before.
I met with Tiffany today for one of our sessions. I was expecting us to discuss which days next week I would do the IOP program...and instead she told me that they just don't think I am ready to step down from day treatment. I wanted to fight it with the amount of time I have been in residential and day treatment combined as my defense. I wanted to give all the evidence of why I SHOULD be ready to go down to a lower level of care... and yet somehow those arguments only left me feeling more depressed. I guess the hardest part was hearing that what they really thought I needed was a PHP program...not that they won't help me and have me do day...but that the level of care that I needed was actually closer to a PHP level. Its frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I am the one making the choices on a daily basis. I am the one who puts each bite of food in my mouth. I am the one who is responsible for making the changes I have to make in order to really live the life of freedom God desires for me. And Renfrew is being wonderful. They are trying to help me get a scholarship that would allow me to do day treatment for another few weeks. It is such a blessing. It really is. I guess its always easier to see the negative. I feel like I have failed yet again. I feel like my best efforts aren't enough. I feel trapped in a life I didn't sign up for...I guess no one really asks for this to happen. I never thought one day I would have to fight so hard to escape what seemed like a harmless attempt to lose 10 pounds. I never thought the secrets of my past would haunt me and never really vanish behind the walls I so carefully constructed. I never thought my dreams would feel so far away.
I am so thankful that God isn't caught off guard by this. I am so thankful that my mess isn't too big for Him to handle. I am so in awe that He could still use someone as broken and flawed as me to further His kingdom. I have to keep reminding myself that He is faithful...that even the people He has placed in my life at Renfrew are examples of HIS faithfulness. What a blessing that people see enough fight and desire and effort in me to want to give me a scholarship... it helps remind me that even when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel for myself there are people who see it for me...who have been there and have walked this path and know the signs much better than I do. God has never been out of reach. He has never walked away as I flail about gasping for air. With each turning of direction He fashions each step accordingly...to set me towards the purpose He has for me. I believe in total freedom. I believe it will come from HIM and HIM alone. So I walk by faith...believing with hope. Even though my plans for my life don't match up with my circumstances...I stand assured that His love endures and His faithfulness is unending. The creator of the universe has me in the palm of His hand. It's easy to be afraid. It's easy to try and take back control and fight for what I think I need...but where does that get me? So, I write this today and choose to stand in faith...believing that His faithfulness is greater than my fear...His love is greater than my depression. His hope is greater than my unknown. So i just keep walking...believing that freedom is a process... believing I am being moved from glory to glory...believing there will be a day when I am free. Until then, I keep fighting.