entertaining elephants

I guess I haven't written lately because I don't feel like there is much left to say. I know what I have to do and feel as if words have become an excuse...a justification for things left undone...goals that have not been met. I have always struggled with the concept of just changing what you believe about something. I used to struggle with it all the time within my relationship with God. People would tell me that I understood God in my mind but that it was clear I hadn't been able to move that head knowledge to my heart. Its such a funny concept. How do you logic your way into something that in most ways is an emotional shift...a knowing within the core of who you are. The answer of course is that you can't. As a nanny I have found many concepts over the years that children can grasp much easier than an adult. We know too much for our own good. We have been hardened and calloused by the sin in this world and the free will of man. We can't go back to a time when we knew less so that we can more readily accept the understanding of the heart.
I have found myself struggling with something much the same and yet quite different. Imagine for a minute that you closed your eyes and suddenly you could see yourself ridding an elephant. Its a silly example but stick with me. So you see this so clearly that you can't really tell if you are actually ridding this elephant or if you are standing still, closing your eyes. You can feel the up and down movement of this huge animal walking beneath you. You can feel the texture of its skin and see its truck swatting off flies. The air around you is hot. You hear kids laughing and people talking. Sweat builds on your forehead and you reach to wipe it away. Its silly you think to yourself, I have never ridden an elephant. But you recognize the clothing you are wearing. Something seems very familiar about the whole thing and yet you watch in a slowed first person vantage point, waiting to see what happens next. Then abruptly you open your eyes. There are no elephants. Its the middle of winter and you wipe your forehead to find there is actually sweat that has collected. You blink a few times to check the reality of where you are standing and you contemplate the elephant ride. You have to ask yourself if you created those moments within your mind, or if they are a reality. Why would there be such detail if it was all in my head? But then again how do you believe something that never was, and suddenly call it as if it is.
Now what if it wasn't just an elephant ride. What if it was something far more important? The validity of your memory of the elephant really has very little impact on your life. Who cares if you made it up. Who cares if its all in your head. It's just a ride on an elephant. But what if the memory brought with it information that not only deeply impacts your life...but also places huge accusations on someone else. Its no longer just affecting my life...its now leaking into the lives of those around me. Years have passed. People change. So what do you do about something that demands to be faced and yet offers no proof...its my word against theirs...and lets be serious...who would believe me?

So I get frustrated. I tell myself to choose already. Just decide if its real or not and stick with it. I should be able to do this by now. I should be able to keep moving forward. And instead I keep waiting for the journey to hit flat even ground. I am tired of the hills and the mountains and the valleys...I just want some time to run in the beauty of whats around me...the new found life that promised joy, hope, and freedom. I don't want to face elephants. I don't know how to make myself believe something that I have no concrete memory or evidence to prove. I don't know how to change the understanding of my heart. There is no amount of logic that can talk me into true belief. True belief comes from an experiential revelation... a shifting with in the heart. I have been lied to far too many times to just believe something because its presented to me as fact. It's exhausting to think about. Its exhausting to hold onto. When something comes into the light there is a new found responsibility to act based on the reality of what is before you. You can't go back to not knowing. You can't pretend it away. When it was buried in the depths of your heart you couldn't have responsibility for responding accordingly. But once it slips into the light its there for all to see. You can't logically take what is and call it as if its not. But how do you know that what you have seen is real? How do you have a flashback and yet have no concrete memory. But the problem remains... you can't hide an elephant in your living room and pretend its not there. You have seen it. You see it everyday. I guess you could pretend you don't see it...but eventually you would ave a dead elephant lying on your floor...not being strong enough to move it on your own, it lays there, untouched. I guess my only choice really is to make friends with the elephant. Feed him. Figure out why He is there...and how to walk him back to return him to where he belongs. He had to get in there somehow...but the sooner you stop pretending he isn't there, the sooner you can get your living room back in order. It may be hard to get rid of that smell...who knows it may smell a little strange forever...but anything is better than having a dead elephant in your living room. So I guess I keep walking. Its too late to turn around. I like to believe I have less in front of me to face than what I have already been through.

I don't really have too many encouraging words. I'm worn out...ready for a break...ready for the elephants to leave me alone...ready for them to return to where they belong.