fire

I don't know. I don't know what I am doing or why I am messing with something that is so fragile and so precious. My recovery isn't strong enough to withstand the sparks I am igniting. Why is it that I am so desperate and so determined to be thin. Why is it that I am so afraid and so sick at the thought of being an average size. There is a certain feel to my body when its in an "acceptable" place and when that feeling is missing my whole sense of being ok is gone. GONE. So everyday I wake up and start out the day restricting because I am so sure that I need to be strict and in control of the food i put in my mouth in order to manipulate the size my body is. I want to make sure there is still a science to making it all follow my rules and my commands. I want to prove to myself that I have the willpower to do anything. That no matter what someone does or doesn't do to me... that no matter how shitty or pathetic my circumstances become, that I have the strength to will myself into being alright. I sit and I tell myself that I can handle it. I can handle restricting and losing just a few pounds in order to be okay. I'm not like every other girl. I'm not like the ones who are weak and go back to their addiction. Oh no, I, Ican take it. I am strong enough. In fact I can survive in this world without the help of anyone or anything...right? I was listening to a sermon tonight and I felt this realization hit me that I am so stupid...so weak. I sit and believe the lies I feed myself in order to do the things I want to do and feel the way I want to feel. I am so selfish and so jaded. Recovery is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Recovery takes humility. It takes vulnerability. It takes being strong enough to be totally weak in the presence of the people you love the most.
I get so depressed and so frustrated that my life hasn't turned out the way I dreamed. I stared at myself in the mirror in disgust on my birthday, ashamed of what I have become... and I know there is no shame in the journey I have walked. I know there has to be joy and gratitude for how far the Lord has carried me. But the sad reality is that messing with this fire will only leave me burned... and it will burn the lives of the people around me... and it will leave me dead. So maybe I won't be the thinnest person I know. Maybe I won't wear the smallest size jeans or have the flattest stomach... but the truth is that for me, freedom has to be worth more that a number on a scale. It has to be. I hate this journey. I hate that I am not married and that I feel so alone so much of the time. I hate my weakness and I hate how selfish I am. I hate that I don't resemble my creator more everyday. I hate that I can't just let go. Why is it so hard to just let go?
So it comes down to strength... true strength being in fighting for life. It comes down to the door in front of me being one which leads to the life I long for... but it means leaving the life I know how to do behind. It comes down to actions behind all the pretty words I have to offer, glamorous right answers that lead me no where without the backing of actually doing what I preach.

Father God give me the strength to walk through the door you have before me. Help me to trust you...and believe that you are who you say you are. I pray for the ability to fight with your strength when I want to give in... when I am desperate for the comfort of my drug of choice. Help me be more like you. Help me to not just desire freedom, but for the strength to make it a reality. I give my heart and my soul and my fear and my pain all to you. I give you my life once again...